random ramblings
where i go, i create problems
maybe that's what my purpose is, to complicate peoples lives so that they can truly appreciate what they've had infront of them and stupidly and foolishly denied
i just wonder why i can't be like them
i can't i have what everyone else has
i saw babel tonight with my parents
if you've seen it then my saying i understand the deaf-mute girl will somewhat make sense to you...if you think you know me that is...
there's just a few differences...i'm not actually deaf, but what i hear turns into an unspoken hatred and a mouthful of silent lies...i'm not actually mute but not one person can understand what i try to say to them no matter what type of action or selection of words i use...and i have been touched by people but in my case it has never been by a hand who loves me or wants me so it is almost the same as never being touched...
deaf to a world that i can't understand, mute to a world that can't understand me and walking around not knowing why i can't make someone see that i'm worth something, that i'm not something to just deal with
my parents didn't understand the character in the movie at all just like how her father didn't really get her and i'm sure that most people wouldn't but i got it
maybe if i was just like her it'd all make more sense
i shouldn't be able to understand a charcter like that, someone who is literally almost shut off from the world, someone with physical boundaries that i don't actually have and yet i do
i want my smokes...i left them at school...i'll have to get a new pack and hide them while i'm here...
i also just want to sleep, not wake up, a permanant state of comatose...people want me in my dreams, and i'm not a problem that needs fixing...unless they're the nightmares, i usually die in those, or they mirror the things that have already happened to me...the nightmares are the dreams that are closer to reality, that's why i call them nightmares...you shouldn't have to live your life in your dreams, they should be a manifestation of something better, and when they are not, then to me, they are the nightmares, your brain synically hunting you down reassuring you that there is no escape from the disaster you walk through during the day
i really need my smokes...
i wish i still had a brother to have turned to when i needed protection from "him" but chris left me too
he was the first good thing in my life that ran away from me
everything now seems to be following that pattern
i find something that i can take a piece of that reminds me that i once had things that could protect me, but that's just it i can only have pieces, pieces to remind but not to keep
just like the nightmares that come around to remind
they appear and then disappear as soon as i open my eyes to them
so i have to go around causing trouble for others to even it all out
make them find their dreams, make them keep their dreams, make them live their dreams
meanwhile, i'm stuck not really hearing, not really speaking, not really feeling
maybe that's what my purpose is, to complicate peoples lives so that they can truly appreciate what they've had infront of them and stupidly and foolishly denied
i just wonder why i can't be like them
i can't i have what everyone else has
i saw babel tonight with my parents
if you've seen it then my saying i understand the deaf-mute girl will somewhat make sense to you...if you think you know me that is...
there's just a few differences...i'm not actually deaf, but what i hear turns into an unspoken hatred and a mouthful of silent lies...i'm not actually mute but not one person can understand what i try to say to them no matter what type of action or selection of words i use...and i have been touched by people but in my case it has never been by a hand who loves me or wants me so it is almost the same as never being touched...
deaf to a world that i can't understand, mute to a world that can't understand me and walking around not knowing why i can't make someone see that i'm worth something, that i'm not something to just deal with
my parents didn't understand the character in the movie at all just like how her father didn't really get her and i'm sure that most people wouldn't but i got it
maybe if i was just like her it'd all make more sense
i shouldn't be able to understand a charcter like that, someone who is literally almost shut off from the world, someone with physical boundaries that i don't actually have and yet i do
i want my smokes...i left them at school...i'll have to get a new pack and hide them while i'm here...
i also just want to sleep, not wake up, a permanant state of comatose...people want me in my dreams, and i'm not a problem that needs fixing...unless they're the nightmares, i usually die in those, or they mirror the things that have already happened to me...the nightmares are the dreams that are closer to reality, that's why i call them nightmares...you shouldn't have to live your life in your dreams, they should be a manifestation of something better, and when they are not, then to me, they are the nightmares, your brain synically hunting you down reassuring you that there is no escape from the disaster you walk through during the day
i really need my smokes...
i wish i still had a brother to have turned to when i needed protection from "him" but chris left me too
he was the first good thing in my life that ran away from me
everything now seems to be following that pattern
i find something that i can take a piece of that reminds me that i once had things that could protect me, but that's just it i can only have pieces, pieces to remind but not to keep
just like the nightmares that come around to remind
they appear and then disappear as soon as i open my eyes to them
so i have to go around causing trouble for others to even it all out
make them find their dreams, make them keep their dreams, make them live their dreams
meanwhile, i'm stuck not really hearing, not really speaking, not really feeling