(no subject)
The main problem is that I feel like I"m being selfish. But what's a little selfishness in school when at home, I have to give everything up for everyone else' happiness? Do you know what it's like to watch everything you believed in fall apart? NO matter how much hate I feel towards someone, at some point I begin to feel pity because of what he's going through and what my family is now trying to deal with, each in our own way. We never talked about it, none of us vocally said it, but there's the hidden knowledge that everyone knows what's going on. The children talk about it, but we can't do anything. There's nothing to be done except forget.
We try to pretend its all okay, but there's hidden gestures, certain key words that can flare someone's anger. And then what happened last week. An emergency that is still in the process of healing. My dysfunction family is preoccupying enough of my mind.
What I can't deal with now, is people's bull shit. As if it isn't stressful enough for me everyday. I force myself to go to school, I'm smiling for everyone out there. I come home, and immediately drive off to work where a crazy ADD kid is yelling constantly at the top of his lungs, repeating everything he says five times, and generally driving me to the point of insanity. You try teaching a student like that and coming home sane. You try pulling yourself off your feet everyday to return to that kid's house.
It's not easy, and it's definitely one of the worst moments of each day. Recently I come home, and I dread it. I can't stand the place. What kind of house is this that i can't even be comfortable here? Where do I get my privacy? My moment of free time? Where's my corner for me to cry now?
So I deal with my feelings my way. Instead of pouring my l ife's secrets out onto people, I create an environment for me to forget them. I call up my friends, I go out and study, I form a group of people who I know will be there for me when I call. Whenever there's a time I feel suffocated at home, I know I can depend on these people. I don't talk on the phone and I don't like AIM either, so my only outlet is when I am with people.
This is me. Maybe it's because no one has ever seen me cry, but it's not as though I don't have problems. I can't believe that friends will fight over petty things and cut off their support, their presence for a bit of a tantrum. Maybe they see me as selfish, lost in my own happy little world, but that world and that group of people has formed my only bit of happiness. And maybe, if you think about it, you're the one who's selfish, because you're trying to break down the only thing that's keeping me from insanity.
I'm easy enough to break, and this is what you're doing to me. Unconsciously perhaps or intentionally, maybe you don't even know it's you, but you're bringing my support crashing down.
Thanks, I guess that's what friends are for.