Tuna Fish Don't Lie
Title: Tuna Fish Don't Lie
Rating: e
Characters: Juliet, Lassiter, Karen, Shawn
Warnings: none
Spoilers: none
Genres: Humor, Gen
Chapters: 1
Completed: Yes
Word count: 1037
Disclaimer: The tuna fish say they belong to Steve Franks, the USA network, and NBC Universal. Stupid tuna fish.
Notes: This was written for Stray and inspired by a thread started by musicalluna over on the Psychfic forum. Congrats, Hive Sister on your non-pregnancy! ;D
Summary: Shawn has a startling revelation for his quasi-coworkers and Lassie almost gets his most fervent wish granted.
"Okay," Shawn started, "I don't want to freak anyone out, but-"
"Then leave," Lassiter said, without looking up from the file.
"I can't," Shawn protested, shaking his head. "This is too incredible not to share."
"What is it, Shawn?" Juliet asked, concerned.
"I'm pregnant."
That was sufficient to draw Lassiter's attention away from his case-file.
Actually, it was sufficient to stop any and all conversations in the bullpen and draw everyone's attention away from their work.
Lassiter stared at him for a moment, waiting for him to say it was all a joke.
When Shawn just continued to nod, expression totally serious-but just a little freaked out-Lassiter pulled out his cuffs and walked over.
"Okay, that's it, Spencer, you're under arrest."
"Whoa!" Shawn said and danced away. "For what? Breaking the laws of nature?"
"No, for breaking the laws of the state of California regarding drug usage."
"Lassie, I'm not on drugs."
"Sure you're not. Spencer, you just said you're pregnant."
"Yeah, but I am pregnant, Lassie!"
"No, you're under the influence of a hallucinogenic."
"No, I'm not! Drugs would endanger the baby and I would never do that to my own child!"
Juliet put up a hand to ward her partner off. He hesitated and she took the chance to jump in.
"Shawn, why do you think you're pregnant?"
Shawn glanced at Lassiter, then leaned in close to Juliet, who reciprocated the movement. "Because the tuna fish told me so."
Juliet blinked, then straightened up.
There was another beat during which Lassiter gave her a look that said, 'You see? Clearly under the influence of something. Can I arrest him now?'
Juliet waved a hand. "Have at it," she said and turned to walk away.
"Jules!" Shawn protested in betrayed dismay.
"Shawn, you just told me that the tuna fish told you that you were pregnant."
"But it did! I had tuna fish at lunch and it quite clearly told me that I was pregnant. Clear as day. As a bell. As a freshly washed window. As-"
Juliet turned away, shaking her head. "Okay, Shawn, we get it."
"Why don't you believe me?" Shawn asked as he continued to slip out of Lassiter's reach, dancing around the desk with an ever more annoyed head detective on his heels.
"Oh, I don't know because you're a guy and therefore incapable of becoming pregnant?" Juliet responded.
"Actually, there have been three reported male pregnancies in the last-"
"And all of them were trans-gender persons who opted to keep their reproductive organs through the surgery for just this eventuality," Juliet countered. "Is that what you're telling me? Were you born a man trapped in a woman's body, Shawn?"
"No," Shawn said, shifting uncomfortably, then sidestepping Lassiter's attempt to tackle him. "But Juliet, tuna fish don't lie. They are notoriously-and often cruelly-honest, though they don't mean to be mean. They just don't have the lie gene. That's why you never ask a tuna fish if a pair of pants make your butt look big unless you really want to know."
"Well then how do you explain it, Shawn? How can you be pregnant?"
Shawn shrugged. "I don't know." He took another step to the side and pulled out Juliet's chair in the same motion to block Lassiter while he continued his evasive maneuvers.
Juliet threw up her hands halfway. "Well, Shawn, you can see how we might have a problem here, right?"
"Oh stop it, O'Hara," Lassiter said, signaling to the two officers behind Shawn to help him. "There's no reasoning with him while he's under the influence of whatever he's been smoking or shooting up or-"
"WAIT!" Shawn said, hand snapping up into his oft-seen 'psychic' pose. It was enough to stop all three of his would-be apprehenders. "It's the tuna! It's speaking to me from beyond the grave!"
Juliet smothered a sigh and rubbed at her forehead. "What does it say?" she asked, though her voice was somewhat less than the usual level of anticipation and belief.
"It says . . . I didn't have tuna fish for lunch."
There was a beat and then Lassiter rolled his eyes. "Oh for the love of-"
"But someone here did. And whoever did . . . is pregnant."
Everyone in the room began looking to their female coworkers.
"Juliet?" Shawn asked gravely, stepping forward and taking her hand. "Did you have tuna for lunch?"
She gave him a look, and added a second one for Lassiter who was watching her very closely.
"No!" she said. "I had chicken salad."
"Oh whew!" Shawn said, obviously relieved. It kind of disturbed her that Carlton was apparently just as relieved.
The other women around the room were all reciting their lunch menus for the day to diffuse the looks they were being given.
"Oh my-"
The shocked cry came from by the door, all eyes going to see Officer Owens, a brand-spanking new rookie, cover her mouth in shock.
"What?" someone near her asked.
"I had fish at lunch!" she said, distress all over her face.
"Was it tuna?" someone else asked.
She shook her head. "I don't know!" she wailed. "It was fish!"
Shawn got that look of surprise that he often sported, but that was rarely noticed.
"Wait!" he shouted.
All eyes locked on him again.
"No," he said after a moment. "It was salmon. You had salmon for lunch."
Relief washed over her face as her hand dropped to her heart. "Oh thank goodness. I don't think Jake and I are ready for a baby yet."
As congratulations were offered and accepted, Chief Vick's office door opened and she walked out.
"What is going on out here?" she asked.
"Chief! What did you have for lunch?" Shawn asked.
She gave him an odd look. "Some leftover tuna casserole, why?"
Silence descended on the room.
"Why?" she asked again.
Shawn smiled. "Congratulations, Chief."
Karen just looked on in utter bewilderment.
"For what?"
"Iris is going to love being an older sister."