I Ain't Been Nuttin' But Bad

[windscryer]

Title: I Ain't Been Nuttin' But Bad
Rating: T
Characters/Pairings: Azazel, Santa, Cosplay Elves, and . . . You know, I don't think I can include Sam, Dean, and John? WTF
Warnings: language, spoilers, Santa's Big Secret
Spoilers: YED Mytharc so like S1/2, Christmas?
Genres: Humor, Holiday
Chapters: 1
Completed: Yes
Word count: 468
Disclaimer: I'd ask for them for Christmas, but it hasn't worked yet. So this year I'm sending my list somewhere a little warmer. :D
Notes: Written for the Christmas Challenge on UnGen. It was mentioned that daring souls could try unorthodox characters.

. . .

I'm actually not daring, but my Muse is. *sigh*

Also, this is the formatting I intended, but UnGen doesn't allow strikeouts, so there are minor variations.

Summary: When plotting to bring Hell to Earth, there's really nothing that's too outlandish.

Even asking Santa for a Christmas Miracle.

Or, you know, whatever.

Dear Satan Sorry, force of habit. Santa,

I tortured a middle aged corporate executive this week with Miracle on 34th Street-The new one because it's even more tooth-rottingly sweet than the old one. I really need that little girl on my side. I wonder if she likes ponies?-and got the idea that maybe I should try writing you.

Not that I believe you exist or anything, but, hey, I'm a careful guy. Let's call this hedging my bet, shall we?

I wanted to make sure I did it right, because we all know how that one little detail you miss can come back to bite you in the ass when doing a ritual especially when it involves appeasing some self-righteous prick who thinks they're in charge of your fate so I went to an elementary school to get some tips from the experts, so to speak.

Told them you didn't exist, too. Little ankle biters practically rioted. Hah. Good times.

Anyway, so I guess I'm supposed to tell you what I want and then shoot myself in the foot and tell you all the reasons I don't deserve it.

Here goes.

For Christmas Hanukkah Kwanzaa just be-fucking-cause Solstice, I want the following:

1. Dean Winchester's head on a damn spike.
2. Sam Winchester to play his fucking role in my master plan.
3. John Winchester's soul back in Hell.
4. wool socks - Hey, it gets COLD up here on Earth. Especially in the wintertime.

This year I have done the following good things:

HAHAHAHA YEAH RIGHT. Ah man, I crack myself up.

This year I have done the following bad things:

1. killed 16 kids unfit to lead my army
2. kicked 34 puppies
3. drowned 22 litters of kitt

Fuck it. I'm not writing them all down. Besides, if the lore is true you already know what I've done wrong.

By the way, I like your style. Real creepy.

Let's cut to the chase here. I'm not a nice guy. You know it and I know it and there's no point in trying to deny it.

Hell, the way I see it, according to your rules I deserve the entire United States coal supply.

So here's the deal: Give me what I want, and I'll give you ten years with some REAL elves.

You know, the kind you see running around those ridiculous fan conventions with the short skirts and the low cut tops? Yeah. Those ones.

I think it's high time Christmas came to Santa, don't you?

Anyway, I'll send one of my girls to work out the details and all that red tape bureaucratic bull shit, all right?

I'll even make sure she's pretty and has pointy ears, just to sweeten the pot and give you a taste of what's to come.

Sincerely,
Azazel