Pick Me Up and Put Me Down

[windscryer]

Title: Pick Me Up and Put Me Down
Rating: T
Characters/Pairings: Shawn/Juliet, OMC
Warnings: really bad pick up lines, epic stupidity
Genres: Humor, Mild Romance, Het
Chapters: 1
Completed: Yes
Word count: 1897
Disclaimer: Still not mine. Trust me, I keep checking. But no, still not mine.
Notes: I . . . have no idea where this came from. But I hope you enjoy anyway. :D

Summary: Judging by the old saying, "What you don't know can't hurt you," he's practically invulnerable.

“Hey, Baby, If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, I would name you the McVery Sexy.”

Shawn just about spewed his margarita when he heard that sad excuse for a pick up line escape some poor schmuck's mouth. Did he honestly think that would get him anything but a dirty look and maybe a slap?

When no crack of palm against cheek followed, Shawn turned around. If this actually worked he wanted to witness it. Too bad no one would believe him . . .

“Hey, sweetheart. I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?”

“Sure. You got a pen?”

Shawn's jaw dropped when he realized he recognized that voice-and that body. Not to mention that fabulous upswept hair.

What was Juliet doing here?

Not that she didn't look incredible. But still. Was she undercover?

While his thoughts had wandered, the idiot had managed to locate a pen and Juliet was scribbling something on his hand. Shawn squinted and then chuckled when he saw she wrote down, '911'.

“Just tell them that Juliet O'Hara said to arrange for a car to pick you up.”

“Ooh,” the idiot said with a leering grin. He didn't bother to look at the number on his palm. Obviously he figured he didn't need it yet. “A car to pick me up? You got money as well as looks?” he asked, putting his hands on Juliet's ass and pulling her up against him.

Shawn frowned. And that was the end of the comedy act.

Juliet, however leaned in, smiling herself. “I like your approach,” she said trailing her hands down his arms to where she could slip her fingers under his, “now let's see your departure.” She freed herself and stepped back, then turned to find some better company.

Shawn snorted. An empty corner would be better company than Jerky McMoron.

“Ah come on, baby, don't be like that,” he said, proving he wasn't as dumb as he looked. He was much dumber.

Juliet rolled her eyes but kept walking, until he put a hand on her shoulder.

She spun around but the arm she had up was caught in one of his and brought down to be pinned to her side as the other one had been just moments ago.

Shawn wondered if he should interfere or if she could handle it. He really wanted to interfere, but he didn't think she'd appreciate it at this point. She was still pissed, not scared.

“Let me go and back off,” she warned.

“Why don't we get out of here?” Skeezy McIdiot murmured, bending his head to kiss her neck.

Juliet stared at the ceiling, her whole body stiff.

“Listen, moron,” she said. “You're going to let me go. Right. Now. And then you are going to walk away and not come back. If you don't you'll be spending the night in the police station calling your lawyer. If you don't have one I'm sure one can be provided for you. Luckily for you, public defenders don't have a choice in who they represent.”

“What are you trying to say?” he asked, still smiling and obviously not getting her point. “You wanna play good cop, bad cop?”

“I'm trying to say that I've come across decomposed bodies that are less offensive than you are.”

That appeared to actually get his attention. He stopped, then lifted his head to look her in the eye.

“Excuse me?” he asked incredulously.

“There's no excuse for behavior like yours. There is however a state law regarding it, as well as a city ordinance. If you'd like to know more, just keep doing what your doing.”

Now the guy was starting to look pissed. Shawn edged closer, not enough to interrupt, but close enough to shorten his reaction time to something that might be useful if Stupid McBrainless here still didn't take the clues Juliet was throwing at him.

Or if he did and decided to take offense at them.

“Back. Off. Now,” Juliet repeated, her expression uncompromising and her stare direct. She wasn't about to be intimidated.

And then he called her a name that Shawn was sure he'd regret. He'd personally make sure of it if Juliet didn't.

“What did you say?” she asked, her eyes wide and her hands clenched into fists.

Creepy McSleazerson gave her a derisive look up and down. “You come into a place like this dressed like that and then when you get the reaction you know you want you turn a guy down because you're a frigid tease.”

Juliet was frozen, still staring at the face in front of her as if she couldn't quite believe what was spewing from its mouth.

“I should teach you a lesson about making promises you can't keep,” he growled, yanking her up against his body again.

Juliet tried to break free, but her wrists were quite effectively pinned and she didn't have the leverage or position she needed to make her knee an effective weapon.

A hint of fear played across her features.

“Let me go,” she repeated, but her confidence had faltered slightly with the realization that she couldn't make him do as she asked, she could only hope he would.

Shawn set down his half finished drink. It was time to interfere. Jules would just have to deal with it.

“Hey, honey, is this guy bothering you?” Shawn asked, coming up to them, his voice friendly, though he was pretty sure his eyes were anything but. He hoped so anyway.

“Shawn?” Juliet said in surprise, finally looking away from the viper holding her trapped.

“Back off,” Buttface McPervert snarled, barely glancing at Shawn. “We're busy here.”

“Jules, do you know what time it is?” Shawn asked, laying a hand on her arm above the wrist hidden by the meaty-and probably sweaty-paw locking it in place. He gave it a gentle squeeze to reassure her as his other hand went around her waist.

“Time to go?” she said, still trying to figure out where he'd come from it seemed.

“That too. It's also an excellent time to become a missing person,” he said, the friendly tone dropping from his voice as he met the stare of his opponent evenly.

The guy snorted and Shawn tilted his head ever so slightly.

“Who are you?” asked the guy who apparently had a sign in the abyss between his ears that said 'Space for Rent'.

“I'm the guy who has a very good reason for you to drop this and leave.”

“And that is?” came back the challenge.

His eyelids stretched so far Shawn wouldn't be surprised if he sprained something.

“Make that fifteen reasons,” Shawn just said quietly. Juliet's was going to give herself whiplash the way her head was ping-ponging between him and Dork McHalf-Wit. Under his fingers still on her arm Shawn could feel her pulse pounding and racing along.

Dirty brown eyes flicked down to where he felt the cold sting of steel through his ridiculously-and unflatteringly-thin shirt.

“You wouldn't.” It was nervous though, and accompanied by a rapid bobble of the Adam's apple.

A single eyebrow arched.

“Do you really want to test that theory? Really?”

A moment of indecision followed, during which Dumb McChauvanist's eyes followed Juliet's head's earlier example and flicked uncertainly between her and Shawn.

Then he had his first brilliant moment of the night-possibly of his life.

“Whatever,” he said and let her go, backing up with his hands out in attempted placation. “She'd probably leave me with a contagious reminder of our night together anyway.”

Juliet's jaw dropped as her temper flared again, but Shawn's grip on her arm kept her from going after him.

“Easy, Jules,” he soothed as he slipped his arm around her waist again-and her gun back in her purse. He left his arm there and guided her over to a stool at the bar. He gave a silent order to the bartender for two beers, then returned his attention to Juliet.

She'd perched on the stool-probably because she was feeling a little shaky on her legs-and scowled.

“Why are some guys like that?”

Shawn shrugged and accepted the beers the bartender brought, handing one to her, which she accepted and took a long pull off of.

“It's not his fault. He has a medical condition.”

Juliet turned her incredulous stare on him.

“Really?” she demanded. “And what is that?”

Shawn shrugged again. “A blockage of the carotid artery. There's no blood getting to his upper brain so it all goes down to his lower one.”

Juliet blinked, then took relaxed a little, taking a sip of her beer as she chuckled.

“Poor guy,” she said. “I almost feel sorry for him.”

“I don't,” Shawn said and Juliet shot a glance at him. His tone had been both quiet and serious.

She sighed. “Thank you for your help.”

Shawn gave her a look of surprise. “You're welcome. I was . . .” He trailed off, hiding it behind another drink of his beer.

“What?” she asked, genuine curiosity lacing her tone.

He couldn't meet her gaze. “I was afraid you would think I was being pushy and interfering.”

Juliet smiled. “Well since I get the feeling you probably witnessed a lot more of that than I'm comfortable with, I can't complain. You didn't assume I was helpless and rush in before I even had a chance to try to take care of it. And you didn't wait so long that something happened we'd both regret. I'd say your timing was perfect.”

Shawn flushed a faint red and looked away again.

“He was a jerk,” he muttered, uncomfortable under her sincere praise.

“He just didn't know the meaning of the word stop,” Juliet said with a shrug.

Shawn tilted his head. “Yeah, I got the feeling he doesn't know the meaning of most words.”

Juliet laughed again and then a comfortable silence reigned for a few moments.

Shawn wanted to ask her what she was doing here-and if she'd like to try it somewhere else, preferably with him along for the ride, but wasn't sure if that would be pushing the boundaries of their non-relationship that had already been stretched tonight.

“So,” Juliet finally said, eyes fixed on the floor. “You wanna go see if there's some place in this town that's still having fun?”

Shawn grinned. “As a matter of fact, I was just thinking of a few places that fit that very description. Should we go check one or two of them out?”

Juliet smiled and set the empty bottle on the bar, sliding down off the stool.

“I knew those psychic powers of yours were good for something besides fighting crime and annoying Carlton.”

Shawn's grin just widened as he offered her a hand. She bypassed it and looped her arm through his, plucking his mostly gone drink to leave on the counter as well.

Soooooo . . . you know what to do now, right? Yup. Send me all your money.

I mean, uh . . . leave a review.

Yeah. That's it.

Not that I'll turn down the money. But I'm not expecting it.

. . .

kthxbai.

Oh, and there's a sequel over thisaway.