if you can't love me, honey, go on just pretend.

[logan_echolls]

I can honestly say that I wasn't in any way looking forward to seeing Dawn Summers again. Personally, I'm sure that I had indulged in her enough the first time. Between the warmer side I'd seen earlier and the true ice cold bitch routine, that I'm sure she could have practiced and gotten a little better at had she consulted her roommate, I'd had my

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[anewdawn]

He was still smiling at me and as much as I hated to admit it I liked his smile, I thought maybe he should do it more often. Then I pushed those thoughts away, I had to remind myself that I knew guys like him and I knew exactly how things ended up. Logan was bad news, if not because he was a jerk then definately in spite of it - since it was only surface.

He really needed to stop showing me what was underneath, I didn't like being interested.

I nodded when he said he was born in L.A. that didn't surprise me, though i didn't really know much about Neptune beyond what Madison told me. That was one screwed up town now wasn't it?

"It's not a bad town, it's no where near perfect but I guess the thing that I prefer about L.A. is that as much as people pretend here there's no illusions to what this town is really like."

Well at least on a non-demon level but the things that went on in L.A. were at least less public - gangs on pcp - I mean please. Sunnydale was the picture of avoidance and pretend because no one acknowledged anything. At least the people in LA knew they turned the other way and that everything was fake, there was something comforting about that. At least to me.

I actually understood what he meant about just picking a place.

"After we moved to Rome, Buffy, my sister, and I travelled a bit. I had some friends who were in London and visited a friend in South America. It was fun for a while, I guess I just missed my roots. I'm sure I'll end up back in Europe, most of my friends and family are scattered across the continent."

I smiled though, suddenly not surprised that he got into Stanford. There was a lot more to Logan than meets the eye and I hated that I was kind of interested in what was there. This was why I liked to remain aloof with people; but wanting to know more and making a move to actually do that were two different things.

[logan_echolls]

"Yeah, I like that too," I agreed with her. If there was one thing about Neptune it was the fact that the town was disaster. "My old town... Neptune, hid everything. I mean, the whole place was build on this ignorance towards the secrets that everyone possessed. Our mayor molested his little league teams. I mean, that was our mayor." I scoffed.

And look where those secrets got us. Cassidy wasn't innocent, but he went insane by keeping that secret and appearing to the world completely fine and happy. He wasn't fine or happy. He blew up a bus and then killed himself. Life pretty much sucked. Not to mention anything else that happened in that little town.

I was out. That's all I had to tell myself.

There wasn't much that could surprise me anymore. I mean, after it blows up in your face that you can't even trust your family (not like I had trusted my dad much in the first place) and you can't trust your friends, you put yourself on guard. You just get into this place where nothing and no one can hurt you. It's better that way.

"So, do you live with your sister or something?" I ask with a short breath, scratching briefly behind my ear. I couldn't imagine spending over a week with Trina anymore. We probably would end up just murdering each other in the end.

I would have raised an eyebrow at her sister's name if I had thought that could even end well. Buffy, however, was a better name than Apple or Moses still.

I couldn't remember drawing the line between hating her and hating her less. She talked and I listened. I wasn't just waiting for the end of her statement or something more. More than that, I was noticing her and the last thing I wanted to do was start to date again. Being alone was like the new black or something. I was determined to prove that I didn't need anyone else in my life.

[anewdawn]

I nodded, "Yeah Madison told me about that."

I could have told him that Sunnydale's Mayor was a couple hundred years old and tried turned himself into a pure demon to end the world, but I doubted that would have done anything for the conversation.

"Sunnydale was kind of the same but in a totally different way. It's hard to explain, things went on and everyone knew it but everyone just turned the other way. Said we had a gang problem and kept going on. Our Mayor was pretty pyscho too, he tried to kill my sisters graduating class. The town just pretended it didn't happen."

Which was the truth with some details omitted. I'd been stupid enough to spill about slayers and demons back in Rome and that had ended really badly so I wasn't about to make that mistake again. Along with the fact that he'd think I was crazy, rightfully so maybe. I mean would I believe it if someone told me the story of my own life? Not even just the vampires and demons. I was a mystical key, older than time practically - like that wasn't insane?

He asked about Buffy and I nodded, "Yeah, My mom died when I was 14 and my dad is just, yeah. So Buffy became my gaurdian. She kind of saved my life back then, I wasn't in good shape after my mom died. Everything felt wrong and I didn't even feel real."

Again the truth with ommitances, why was I tell him things like this? I didn't understand why I couldn't just shut my freaking mouth already. Tell him we needed to go back to practicing. I was actually enjoying this conversation, it was like the first real conversation I'd had with someone in such a long time.

I hated it, I kind of felt vulnerable and yet I couldn't stop talking.

"She's still in Rome though, for now. Everything she wants is in L.A. and she's too stubborn to admit it."

I shook my head and looked down at the book I'd abandoned in my lap. I sighed heavily.

[logan_echolls]

I sort of nodded at what she was saying, though it seemed like Sunnydale was just as psychotic as Neptune in the fact that the general populace preferred to be ignorant and oblivious.

We both knew what it was like to not have that wool scarf over our eyes and I was getting the clear feeling that she was just as angry that people chose that sort of thing for themselves. Between truth and a beautiful lie, I would always pick truth. I could never live in a world where I wasn't aware of the things that happened around me - no matter how horrible those things might be.

I think I even remember hearing about that thing where their mayor tried to kill a graduating class. There was some sort of explosion or fire. I just nod towards her. I couldn't imagine even Neptune pretending something like that didn't happen afterward, though I'm sure that Lamb could make some exception to arresting such an upstanding citizen.

I feel like I've struck some chord when she mentions that her mom died when she was fourteen - and it's not like I can say 'Ooops, sorry for you loss' because I'm sure she knew that anyway. The thing is that while she's talking about her sister saving her life and how bad of shape she was in after, I just connect it instantly with my life; with my mother and with Veronica. I know that I could never have made it without her.

And I've been trying to do anything not to think about Veronica because there's a part of me that still thinks I can't make it without her.

Dawn looks down into her lap and at the book, shaking her head - maybe at her sister, or maybe the fact that she feels alone too.

"You probably know this, since Madison is your roommate and all, but my mom died last year." She killed herself, that was a completely different thing. I feel something in my throat, in my chest, for a moment, before pushing it away. "It's not the same, but... I get the whole everything feeling wrong." On more than one note. She probably knew far more facts about me - gossip - than I ever knew about her.

"Life pretty much sucks sometimes. Understatement."

[anewdawn]

I can tell there's something big going on in his head while I'm talking, it kind of takes me aback. Not that I think he's incapable of thinking about something big or anything but because, well actually I wasn't sure why it surprised me. I knew enough about Logan from Madison to know he hadn't had an easy life, despite the way Madison said it - uncaring - he didn't have it simple. Maybe he acted like he had and maybe he liked the comfort in that lie or maybe it was a neccesity, I knew what that was like.

He didn't say anything about being sorry for me, which I appreciated, I hated it when people felt the need to apologize for something that had happened almost 4 years ago. No one thought it was fun to loose their mother, I didn't need to be reminded of that.

He told me about his mother and I nodded, "Yeah Madison decided that since you like to insult her it was alright to tell me all the sordid details of your life. I honestly didn't put much credance into what she said, just so you know."

No I didn't think he was an asshole until he proved he was an asshole. I try not to judge people but sometimes you just can't help it.

"But yeah, feeling like that just, it sucks and Life definately has its moments of suckage. For once I wanted things to be simple, maybe that's why I came back here. Even with the lack of relationship I have with my dad - asshole - it's easier to be me here."

And there were my Buffy issues, which I didn't think would be condusive to getting into right now.

"Understatement of the century."

[logan_echolls]

"She would have said it even if I didn't cut her down," I replied to Dawn, knowing it was the truth. Madison was a gossip queen. It wasn't as if she was going to do anything else. Who knows what else Madison had talked about, but at least Dawn was honest when she said that Madison had in fact told her the sordid details of my life. "It's not like my life needs her embellishments, but it's all probably true anyway. Just from her perspective."

And that was the truth. Despite Madison hailing with gossip, the things the Echolls family had done weren't exactly in need of exaggeration. We'd given enough to the press. "Personally, I think she just ends up with this sign that states vapid whore on her forehead whenever she opens her mouth. I'm not worried. I'm used to it."

I'd been talked about enough. It didn't surprise me that it was happening now. It would happen for my whole life so the point in getting upset over it was what exactly?

I didn't bother.

I almost crack a smile as she continues and it's not out of disrespect but only for the fact that I relate to her even more. The moment the word 'asshole' crossed her lips in reference to her own father I let out a soft laugh and then smiled further apologetically. Taking in a breath, I ended up laughing again in spite of myself.

"I'm sorry, that's not even funny," I said, the smile still wearing on my face. "It's really not funny, but I promise I'm not laughing at you."

Only ironic when it came to fathers.

[anewdawn]

So that was true. Madison would have decided that I needed to be warned about Logan or that it was her right since she'd had to deal with him for like 6 years. Whatever, I still hadn't cared much about what Madison siad.

"Madison is Madison. I don't really care about who she thinks is cool or what new gossip she's got this week. She likes to talk to hear herself speak I just smile and nod and tune her out."

I had a feeling the way I dealt with Madison bugged him, I could probably put her in her place in two seconds flat if I wanted but I didn't. She wasn't mean to me, beyond a few comments here and there and I just didn't care one way or the other. She'd have to piss me off to make me go off on her, though it was bound to happen soon enough.

In high school I would have clung to Madison because she was rich and popular, just like I tried to cling to Janice and anyone else who made me feel more important. I still had issues with being in Buffy's shadow but I was more of my own person now than I'd ever been. I didn't need people like Madison to make me feel better about myself.

"Well I'm sorry you're used to it. I can barely stand that people know who I am based on where I used to live. They think it makes me cool or something. Next year I'm requesting a single room."

I shook my head, as much as I agreed on his opinion of Madison I wasn't going to say it.

I talked about my dad and he started to laugh, so I just looked at him trying to figure out if I should be insulted or not. He seem amused by something.

"What's not funny?" I asked with a raised brow. "That my dad is an asshole?"

[logan_echolls]

It wasn't like I had room to talk when it came to treating other people. I wasn't completely obvious to the fact that I was part of the problem and that I added to things. There was a reason why Weevil and the other PCHers decided burning down my house was a good idea and it was more than the fact that they suspected me of murdering Felix.

Just I wondered if it bothered Dawn at all to hear all the crap that Madison dished out day after day. She could put her in her place because being a bystander didn't make her innocent. It probably made her just as bad as Madison in the end.

Let's face it. Madison was going to talk but Dawn had no need to listen and to take all of it. She didn't want to so the reason she was still there letting it all happen just irritated me in the end.

"The thing is that they don't know you," I started when she announced that she could barely stand that people knew her just because she lived in Rome and it was hot to others. Whatever. "The don't know you. They just know this distorted mirror image of you and that's all they can see. I mean, knowing what I've gone through doesn't mean you know me or you know what it's been like for the last few years. I don't know you just because you've gone travelling over the world."

At my laughter, she asks what's not funny and if her dad being an asshole isn't funny.

"Exactly," I say, unable to keep the smile off my face. She doesn't look amused and the last thing I want to do is to offend her at this point, but I can help leaning in closer, my voice dropping to the in character voice I used for Paul and shaking my head. "Because, Corie, I've realized that you and I have absolutely nothing in common."

[anewdawn]

He talked about people not knowing me and I wasn't blind to the fact he was talking more about himself than he was me. That was exactly the reason I had barely listened to Madison about him. The only reason that I believed anything she said at all was because he proved that he could be a jackass to the very end.

So I knew that it wasn't fair to compare him to other people I knew either, like Spike but I couldn't help that. I was afraid of something here and I knew it, it was easier to stay attached.

"I know that. I never thought I knew you, just because people think your business is theirs because of who your parents are doesn't mean that I think the same thing. I can't help that I've been told about your life, though, I make my own opinions about people."

It looked like maybe we were going to start fighting again and maybe I wanted that because it was less frustrating than wanting to know more.

He's practically grinning at me when I ask if what's funny is my dad being an asshole. I don't really get it until he leans foreward and perfectly delievers a line from the play.

I can't help but laugh at him when he says that. I'm amused because it's been more than obvious for a little while now that we have a lot in common.

"Because I won't go walking barefoot in the park?" I respond with a grin, because I can't help it.

It's too easy to be around him and I really can't stand that fact.

[logan_echolls]

She claims that she makes up her own opinion about people, but I can't help but notice that she's more or less acted like she's made up her mind about me before even knowing me. I'm sure of this if only because of her attitude towards me a few days ago and even now some. It's like she doesn't even want to bother giving me a chance. I almost rolled my eyes at that. Dawn kept proving herself to be a hypocrite and I was almost positive that was because she was scared of something.

"Because I won't go walking barefoot in the park?" She asks, playing along and grinning at least for the moment.

"Don't oversimplify this," I insisted, slipping in closer to her and taking away some of her personal space in the action. "Because you won't kiss me."

It's not like I hadn't noticed that. It's not like a kiss - just a simple kiss - was terrifying, it was the prospect of afterward that I was sure got to Dawn. I had noticed her and she noticed me in return and despite how much we could hate each other at times (though not nearly as much as I had Veronica. Veronica and I had past following us about, but with Dawn it was a clean slate.) I'm positive that I wasn't jumping to any conclusions.

It's only that moment that I notice her bright blue eyes staring back at me, like she's waiting for me to make a move or something. Maybe she's getting prepared to run.

[anewdawn]

He had some kind of reaction to what I said but he didn't say anything. He could think what he wanted. It's not like I cared what he thought about me anyway, at least not a lot. I had already decided that I didn't want to get involved with this guy, he was too much like other people I knew and I knew it was just trouble waiting to happen. It wasn't fair but it's how I kept myself from going insane. Besides, once anyone learned the truth about me they never stuck around - unless they had Buffy as a door prize.

He goes on for a moment with the scene and then he's getting closer to me and I'm frozen when he changes the script on me.

"Because you won't kiss me."

I just stare at him for a moment because I can't even fathom what's happening. Two minutes ago he seemed like he just couldn't get it, like I irritated him because he thought I'd made some snap judgement about it - which alright wasn't untrue but I had my reasons. And now? Now he was leaning closer to me and I knew he was about to kiss me.

I could have stopped it, I should have stopped it but I was frozen, I'd chalk it up to pure fear but I knew some part of me wanted him to kiss me. I hated it.

He leaned foreword and kissed me, lightly at first and then he pressed his lips against mine harder. I kissed him back, of course I kissed him back; despite everything else there was something there but I hated that this was an admittance to that.

After a minute I pulled away and just looked at him. I didn't like it when people changed the script on me. I wasn't embarassed I was just confused; this whole day was confusing. I didn't want to be interested in him.

I didn't want to pretend that he hadn't just kissed me but I couldn't bring myself to completely acknowledge it either. I leaned back in the seat and looked down at the play book in my hands.

"We should really practice."