I've been trying to post this on myspace for the past hour. So I guess I'll post it on here??
[Gahh. I hate when I type an amazing blog and then it gets erased cause I'm a sdlakgja and press back. So this is going to be a modification of what I just wrote.]
Here I am on January 15, waiting. I wish I knew what I was waiting for. It seems like that's all I've been doing lately. I used to be waiting to get off grounding. But now that I am I don't know what to do with myself. These past couple weeks I've missed soo many opportunities to do things. And I feel like nothing can happen because things have already gone by.
This weekend I spent a night at Ashley's. All we did was like watch movies and talk and stuff...but I felt like it was right. I actually laughed. I know that sounds dumb or whatever. But, these past couple weeks or months I feel like I've been really fake with everyone.
Why should I act like I like someone just because they are friends with some of my friends? I know we don't like each other. There's something there that just rubs me the wrong way. So, tell me, why should we be fake with each other? I would rather just not talk to someone than act like I care. I know that sounds wrong. But being fake with someone changes who I am. And that's not something I'm ok with losing right now. Just because you're ok with laughing at every dumb joke I say does not mean I'm going to laugh at your bullshit.
Now, I understand that in school you have to be fake with people. I totally get it. Otherwise you'd be eaten alive. But what about at home? Why should I act like I care? Why should we put a mask over everything and act like it will get better over time?
Yeah, hi. It's not going to change.
I don't see why I should have to be fake at my own home. Why do I have to come here and act like I don't mind and smile and act like we're all a happy family?
I was talking to my mom about this the other night. She brought up the idea that I should move down and live with her in Florida. That doesn't sound bad. At all. Although in this lovely house of mine I'd have to hear that I'm "running away from my problems again" and that if I go down there I might start doing "risky business" again.
Give me a break. If anything it would chill me out. I'd have to get a job and a car and still keep up with my school stuff. But, I would know that I could go home and smile because I'm actually at home.
Here I am on January 15, waiting. I wish I knew what I was waiting for. It seems like that's all I've been doing lately. I used to be waiting to get off grounding. But now that I am I don't know what to do with myself. These past couple weeks I've missed soo many opportunities to do things. And I feel like nothing can happen because things have already gone by.
This weekend I spent a night at Ashley's. All we did was like watch movies and talk and stuff...but I felt like it was right. I actually laughed. I know that sounds dumb or whatever. But, these past couple weeks or months I feel like I've been really fake with everyone.
Why should I act like I like someone just because they are friends with some of my friends? I know we don't like each other. There's something there that just rubs me the wrong way. So, tell me, why should we be fake with each other? I would rather just not talk to someone than act like I care. I know that sounds wrong. But being fake with someone changes who I am. And that's not something I'm ok with losing right now. Just because you're ok with laughing at every dumb joke I say does not mean I'm going to laugh at your bullshit.
Now, I understand that in school you have to be fake with people. I totally get it. Otherwise you'd be eaten alive. But what about at home? Why should I act like I care? Why should we put a mask over everything and act like it will get better over time?
Yeah, hi. It's not going to change.
I don't see why I should have to be fake at my own home. Why do I have to come here and act like I don't mind and smile and act like we're all a happy family?
I was talking to my mom about this the other night. She brought up the idea that I should move down and live with her in Florida. That doesn't sound bad. At all. Although in this lovely house of mine I'd have to hear that I'm "running away from my problems again" and that if I go down there I might start doing "risky business" again.
Give me a break. If anything it would chill me out. I'd have to get a job and a car and still keep up with my school stuff. But, I would know that I could go home and smile because I'm actually at home.