(no subject)
Opening my eyes to this sad day, I got out of the bed and my mother came in and told me to hurry to get dressed.
I opened up my closet and browsed through for dark clothes. I found black slacks and black/white tank top with buttons and a collar. I slowly put them on while looking at Michaela's picture sitting all alone on my nightstand. I walked in the bathroom and slowly did my hair, holding back the tears that were struggling to get out. It was time to go.
I arrived to my aunt's house and she kindly greeted me with a hug and told me to make myself comfortable. She walked outside to have a word with my mother and my mother came in quickly to tell me she'll be back in about a hour. I sat there all quiet, thinking about all the memories I had with Michaela. Her picture was standing on the tv stand, and I smiled because I was grateful I had took alot of pictures of her. My aunt talked to me, and had told me if she had lost one of her grandkids, it would just kill her and uncle Tim. I said to her, "It's already killing me, and she's not my grandkid, she's my niece, and my best friend." My aunt got up from the couch and walked over and sat next to me and put her arms around me and I sobbed quietly.
I had excused myself to the bathroom and I stood and looked in the mirror. I saw how empty I felt...there were no...happiness at all. I heard the dogs barking and ran downstairs. My mother had arrived and she had this really blank look on her face. She said, "They're having open casket, and she looks peaceful. It doesn't look like her, but it does."
I exhaled and I didn't want to see her. I was really scared and I got in the car and went to the funeral home about 3 blocks away. I got out of the car and saw my brother Mike with his arms around his fiancee Nikki. The parents of Michaela were already outside trying to keep it together. I walked to the steps and Nikki really needed a cigarette, and I gave her one. My mom helped me inside by holding my arm and when I walked in the funeral home, I felt dizzy and started to feel numb. I could smell the flowers everywhere, the funeral home smelled really sweet. We turned in another room leading to the room where Michaela was being viewed.
It was so bright in that room, I walked closer, and I could see the top of her head laying in the casket. I gulped and took another steps forward trying to hold back my tears. I was literally choking on them. I closed my eyes and I put my hand on the casket and opened them. She was laying there, all asleep, wearing her blue sailors outfit with sailors hat. They had requested the family to give them a hat because she had lost alot of hair when she was killed. Her lips were really light color, they were like blue but red too. Her skin looked like wax. She had so much make up on her body it didn't even look excatly like her. Her arms rested peacefully next to her sides. I asked my mother if I could touch her, she told me I could. I put my hand under her tiny little fingers and rubbed them. The first thing I thought to myself, "She's so cold, I really want to warm her up, I just want to warm her up." There was no way I could. Tears rolled down my cheek and I didn't want to leave her at all, but I had to move along for other people to see.
I ran outside and smoked tons of cigarettes. I ran out of cigarettes and my mom gave me 5 dollars to walk to the store a block away to get more for myself. My cousin walked with me, and begged me to give him a cigarette but he was underaged, and I didn't want to get in trouble. I continued to tell him no, but I knew he really needed one. I came back to the funeral home and gave Nikki couple of cigarettes too.
I walked back in the funeral home and helped people walk along to see Michaela. I had myself holding together and was feeling better after I first saw her. My grandmother came in and I helped her walk by the casket and my grandmother sobbed and told me she was beautiful. I said to my grandmother that she was always and will always be beautiful. People also walked by this collage I made for the funeral. It was cardboard paper in white shaped in heart. My mom had put pink lace around the heart. There were pictures of Michaela and nicknames we called her. It helped people alot to not focus on her lifeless body laying in the casket.
I saw so many people coming in and out, people I haven't seen for so long. They all were continuely saying they were sorry but I jsut wanted to hit them and say "Shut up, sorry doesn't do anything. She's not coming back." It was time to start the service. Rock's father who was a reverend started to talk about how she lived her life and stuff. I started to sob again because I couldn't believe in less half hour, she'd be buried.
My half brother left, he couldn't take it. He has kids of his own and he couldn't stand to see this. My best friend Shalon came in time for the service and held my hand as it went on. Nikki's brother, Brad looked at me and said, "Look at this one picture of her, it looks like shes saying bye." I cried alot more, I felt so much anger and rage at this man who was ignorant enough to be distracted and hit her with his pick up truck.
It was time to say our final goodbye to her. I walked up to her casket and smiled at her and told her I would always love her, she was my blue eyed angel. I gave her a kiss on the forehead and I didn't say goodbye. I know I'll see her again. My mother had requested they bury the daisies from me with her.
The story behind the daisies, Michaela and I always walked in the field and picked daisies. It was one of the things we always did. Michaela always ate the daisies afterwards. Two days before she was killed, she and I picked daisies and picked honeysuckles too. I still have those daisies that we picked together. It's a reminder of the love we had.
It was time to bury her...I got in my mom's car, sat in front with Shalon while my brother Mike, Nikki, and my dad sat in the back. We slowly drove to the cemetery. When we had arrived there, her casket was already all set up on the top. There were flowers everywhere. It was just so gorgeous. I looked at the casket and I couldn't believe she was in there. I didn't want to believe it. All I wanted to do was open the casket and take her away. It was this empty feeling I had, that I couldn't do anything. I had always took care of her when she was hurt, crying, or even sick. I couldn't take care of her anymore, she was gone. We had buried her and I didn't want to leave. But we left and went to Nikki's mom's house...which was really bad.
It was where she got killed, in her driveway. That was the last place in earth I wanted to be. I refused to eat...I refused to talk, or anything. Finally my mom pressured me to eat, and I ate few celery and meatballs. But didn't want anymore. It started pouring, and my dad couldn't take it anymore, so we left.
My mom and I came back though, to find my brother really really depressed at the point he wanted to shoot himself. It was really devasting to see him like that. It was first time I ever saw my brother cry. I never had seen him cry before in my entire life.
To this day, everything is so clear. There is not one little detail I have forgotten. I haven't wrote about every detail in this. But I can remember it as if it happened yesterday.
I hope to god none of you have to bury a 13 month old baby, or at all any children.
I opened up my closet and browsed through for dark clothes. I found black slacks and black/white tank top with buttons and a collar. I slowly put them on while looking at Michaela's picture sitting all alone on my nightstand. I walked in the bathroom and slowly did my hair, holding back the tears that were struggling to get out. It was time to go.
I arrived to my aunt's house and she kindly greeted me with a hug and told me to make myself comfortable. She walked outside to have a word with my mother and my mother came in quickly to tell me she'll be back in about a hour. I sat there all quiet, thinking about all the memories I had with Michaela. Her picture was standing on the tv stand, and I smiled because I was grateful I had took alot of pictures of her. My aunt talked to me, and had told me if she had lost one of her grandkids, it would just kill her and uncle Tim. I said to her, "It's already killing me, and she's not my grandkid, she's my niece, and my best friend." My aunt got up from the couch and walked over and sat next to me and put her arms around me and I sobbed quietly.
I had excused myself to the bathroom and I stood and looked in the mirror. I saw how empty I felt...there were no...happiness at all. I heard the dogs barking and ran downstairs. My mother had arrived and she had this really blank look on her face. She said, "They're having open casket, and she looks peaceful. It doesn't look like her, but it does."
I exhaled and I didn't want to see her. I was really scared and I got in the car and went to the funeral home about 3 blocks away. I got out of the car and saw my brother Mike with his arms around his fiancee Nikki. The parents of Michaela were already outside trying to keep it together. I walked to the steps and Nikki really needed a cigarette, and I gave her one. My mom helped me inside by holding my arm and when I walked in the funeral home, I felt dizzy and started to feel numb. I could smell the flowers everywhere, the funeral home smelled really sweet. We turned in another room leading to the room where Michaela was being viewed.
It was so bright in that room, I walked closer, and I could see the top of her head laying in the casket. I gulped and took another steps forward trying to hold back my tears. I was literally choking on them. I closed my eyes and I put my hand on the casket and opened them. She was laying there, all asleep, wearing her blue sailors outfit with sailors hat. They had requested the family to give them a hat because she had lost alot of hair when she was killed. Her lips were really light color, they were like blue but red too. Her skin looked like wax. She had so much make up on her body it didn't even look excatly like her. Her arms rested peacefully next to her sides. I asked my mother if I could touch her, she told me I could. I put my hand under her tiny little fingers and rubbed them. The first thing I thought to myself, "She's so cold, I really want to warm her up, I just want to warm her up." There was no way I could. Tears rolled down my cheek and I didn't want to leave her at all, but I had to move along for other people to see.
I ran outside and smoked tons of cigarettes. I ran out of cigarettes and my mom gave me 5 dollars to walk to the store a block away to get more for myself. My cousin walked with me, and begged me to give him a cigarette but he was underaged, and I didn't want to get in trouble. I continued to tell him no, but I knew he really needed one. I came back to the funeral home and gave Nikki couple of cigarettes too.
I walked back in the funeral home and helped people walk along to see Michaela. I had myself holding together and was feeling better after I first saw her. My grandmother came in and I helped her walk by the casket and my grandmother sobbed and told me she was beautiful. I said to my grandmother that she was always and will always be beautiful. People also walked by this collage I made for the funeral. It was cardboard paper in white shaped in heart. My mom had put pink lace around the heart. There were pictures of Michaela and nicknames we called her. It helped people alot to not focus on her lifeless body laying in the casket.
I saw so many people coming in and out, people I haven't seen for so long. They all were continuely saying they were sorry but I jsut wanted to hit them and say "Shut up, sorry doesn't do anything. She's not coming back." It was time to start the service. Rock's father who was a reverend started to talk about how she lived her life and stuff. I started to sob again because I couldn't believe in less half hour, she'd be buried.
My half brother left, he couldn't take it. He has kids of his own and he couldn't stand to see this. My best friend Shalon came in time for the service and held my hand as it went on. Nikki's brother, Brad looked at me and said, "Look at this one picture of her, it looks like shes saying bye." I cried alot more, I felt so much anger and rage at this man who was ignorant enough to be distracted and hit her with his pick up truck.
It was time to say our final goodbye to her. I walked up to her casket and smiled at her and told her I would always love her, she was my blue eyed angel. I gave her a kiss on the forehead and I didn't say goodbye. I know I'll see her again. My mother had requested they bury the daisies from me with her.
The story behind the daisies, Michaela and I always walked in the field and picked daisies. It was one of the things we always did. Michaela always ate the daisies afterwards. Two days before she was killed, she and I picked daisies and picked honeysuckles too. I still have those daisies that we picked together. It's a reminder of the love we had.
It was time to bury her...I got in my mom's car, sat in front with Shalon while my brother Mike, Nikki, and my dad sat in the back. We slowly drove to the cemetery. When we had arrived there, her casket was already all set up on the top. There were flowers everywhere. It was just so gorgeous. I looked at the casket and I couldn't believe she was in there. I didn't want to believe it. All I wanted to do was open the casket and take her away. It was this empty feeling I had, that I couldn't do anything. I had always took care of her when she was hurt, crying, or even sick. I couldn't take care of her anymore, she was gone. We had buried her and I didn't want to leave. But we left and went to Nikki's mom's house...which was really bad.
It was where she got killed, in her driveway. That was the last place in earth I wanted to be. I refused to eat...I refused to talk, or anything. Finally my mom pressured me to eat, and I ate few celery and meatballs. But didn't want anymore. It started pouring, and my dad couldn't take it anymore, so we left.
My mom and I came back though, to find my brother really really depressed at the point he wanted to shoot himself. It was really devasting to see him like that. It was first time I ever saw my brother cry. I never had seen him cry before in my entire life.
To this day, everything is so clear. There is not one little detail I have forgotten. I haven't wrote about every detail in this. But I can remember it as if it happened yesterday.
I hope to god none of you have to bury a 13 month old baby, or at all any children.