(no subject)
Passed the driver's test. Not that I thought I wouldn't, but I'm glad that's over. That's the one thing I had to get done while I was here.
But that's not really why I'm writing. Something Spike said a couple days ago... it's been bugging me. About being happy. Not something I've really been thinking about I guess. When I was working, I was just doing the work thing. Happy? Not part of the whole deal. I just sort of... was. Am. Not that what I was doing added an "un" to happy either. No good or bad, just there.
Being back here... It's been beyond great being around Buffy and Wil and Dawn again, and even the L.A. invasion hasn't ruined this whole vacation thing completely. But it's sort of reminded me about what's not. In Africa, I didn't have to think about it. Honestly? I don't like thinking about it.
Here's the thing - in Sunnydale, I'd started to build something resembling a life. Then I screwed up that life something huge, and then stuff that happened screwed it up more, but it wasn't all gone. I guess I thought there was a chance I might get some kind of life again. But that life, that job, that everything... it's all at the bottom of a big hole now.
So trying to get a life again doesn't matter to me anymore. I just do stuff now. But goals? Hopes? The "happy" thing? Not so much. I just didn't really think about me not thinking about it. Willow's been trying to talk to me about it and I've been shrugging it off, but if even Spike's noticing, then I guess it's a more obvious deal than I thought it was. And maybe there's a little of the "cranky" that Wil was talking about. Not that I'm about to hop on the Get-A-Life wagon or change anything (because, come on, what's the point?), but I guess at least I see it for what it is.
But that's not really why I'm writing. Something Spike said a couple days ago... it's been bugging me. About being happy. Not something I've really been thinking about I guess. When I was working, I was just doing the work thing. Happy? Not part of the whole deal. I just sort of... was. Am. Not that what I was doing added an "un" to happy either. No good or bad, just there.
Being back here... It's been beyond great being around Buffy and Wil and Dawn again, and even the L.A. invasion hasn't ruined this whole vacation thing completely. But it's sort of reminded me about what's not. In Africa, I didn't have to think about it. Honestly? I don't like thinking about it.
Here's the thing - in Sunnydale, I'd started to build something resembling a life. Then I screwed up that life something huge, and then stuff that happened screwed it up more, but it wasn't all gone. I guess I thought there was a chance I might get some kind of life again. But that life, that job, that everything... it's all at the bottom of a big hole now.
So trying to get a life again doesn't matter to me anymore. I just do stuff now. But goals? Hopes? The "happy" thing? Not so much. I just didn't really think about me not thinking about it. Willow's been trying to talk to me about it and I've been shrugging it off, but if even Spike's noticing, then I guess it's a more obvious deal than I thought it was. And maybe there's a little of the "cranky" that Wil was talking about. Not that I'm about to hop on the Get-A-Life wagon or change anything (because, come on, what's the point?), but I guess at least I see it for what it is.