A little reflection....
I can't seem to find an accurate reason of why i feel somewhat disenchanted lately. Ever have that feeling of total disarray? I really have no reason to bitch or boast about anything. Chalk it up to getting older I suppose. I can't even bitch about that either, i'm only 22. Jen, Cindy, Chris and I went to the Riverhead Festival on Sunday, and this is when I realized that I am no longer "young" anymore. I don't mean "young" in the context of age, but "young" as in, free spirited, and totally oblivious to the world around me. I can remember a time when someone would ask me: "What's going on in the wolrd todayy?" and my response would be "I have no idea". I can remember a time when all I knew was who the President was, and that was it. Care free, and enjoying life to the fullest.
As we parked a short distance from the festival, we started walking along the median of whatever road we were on, and that is what spraked all this thinking. I remember waking up at 9:00am every morning of the summer, or school year for that matter, and walking up the street to a few friends' houses, and spending the whole day outside, roaming around the community, having fun with whatever came our way. I remember seeing the sun set, and thinking "damn, I've been hanging out for 9 or 10 hours, and now I have to go tak the walk home, and go watch TV". Which I would do almost every night, then sleep, wake up, and do it all over again.
We would walk all over town, cause chaos, or find something entertaining. I had no worries, no schedule, nothing to hold me back from doing what I wanted to do. Even almost getting arrested seemed like a thrill to try to escape.
My point is, now I have to keep my life in order. I have a career, a girlfriend, an apartment, a brand new car, bills, bills, bills, a schedule, and little time for myself to really appreciate anything. I'm on my own now. I don't come home to dinner, or fresh laundry. I don't get anything handed to me whatsoever anymore. What I lack is any kind of internal excitement. Almost nothing gives me that "holy shit, this is awesome" feeling anymore. Not even something special like Christmas morning. I don't know why that is, because I do appreciate a lot. I appreciate the things Jen does for me, and yes, sometimes I do come home to dinner, and laundry thanks to her, but this is now something that is a treat and not a common occurance.
I thought for the longest time that there was something wrong with me. I thought I was starting to become totally emotionless, and it started to bother me. I thought I was evolving into some kind of new-age asshole who was pissed at the world and was heading on a downward spiral. Then I realized that it's all just a part of getting older. As your life progresses, you have worries, you have situations that Mom or Dad can't help you wriggle out of, and you have to learn how to deal with them. I could easily re-create my younger years, and leave my apartment, sell my car, quit my job an move back into my old room at home, but even if I did, I'd never have that youthful feeling again. In fact, it would probably be a most depressing situation.
It's funny how, when your young, all you want to do is get older. You want to drive, graduate, buy a house, fuck anything that walks..etc...Then when it all starts to happen, you suddenly say to yourself "Damn, a 7am -6pm workday sucks, I wish I could go back to 42 min periods in high school, and have a 7am-1pm day"
I suppose all I'm trying to say is, growing up, and having more and more to deal with on a daily basis is a hard thing to overcome sometimes, and longing for the pst is even harder. All someone can ask for is a little excitement sometimes.
As we parked a short distance from the festival, we started walking along the median of whatever road we were on, and that is what spraked all this thinking. I remember waking up at 9:00am every morning of the summer, or school year for that matter, and walking up the street to a few friends' houses, and spending the whole day outside, roaming around the community, having fun with whatever came our way. I remember seeing the sun set, and thinking "damn, I've been hanging out for 9 or 10 hours, and now I have to go tak the walk home, and go watch TV". Which I would do almost every night, then sleep, wake up, and do it all over again.
We would walk all over town, cause chaos, or find something entertaining. I had no worries, no schedule, nothing to hold me back from doing what I wanted to do. Even almost getting arrested seemed like a thrill to try to escape.
My point is, now I have to keep my life in order. I have a career, a girlfriend, an apartment, a brand new car, bills, bills, bills, a schedule, and little time for myself to really appreciate anything. I'm on my own now. I don't come home to dinner, or fresh laundry. I don't get anything handed to me whatsoever anymore. What I lack is any kind of internal excitement. Almost nothing gives me that "holy shit, this is awesome" feeling anymore. Not even something special like Christmas morning. I don't know why that is, because I do appreciate a lot. I appreciate the things Jen does for me, and yes, sometimes I do come home to dinner, and laundry thanks to her, but this is now something that is a treat and not a common occurance.
I thought for the longest time that there was something wrong with me. I thought I was starting to become totally emotionless, and it started to bother me. I thought I was evolving into some kind of new-age asshole who was pissed at the world and was heading on a downward spiral. Then I realized that it's all just a part of getting older. As your life progresses, you have worries, you have situations that Mom or Dad can't help you wriggle out of, and you have to learn how to deal with them. I could easily re-create my younger years, and leave my apartment, sell my car, quit my job an move back into my old room at home, but even if I did, I'd never have that youthful feeling again. In fact, it would probably be a most depressing situation.
It's funny how, when your young, all you want to do is get older. You want to drive, graduate, buy a house, fuck anything that walks..etc...Then when it all starts to happen, you suddenly say to yourself "Damn, a 7am -6pm workday sucks, I wish I could go back to 42 min periods in high school, and have a 7am-1pm day"
I suppose all I'm trying to say is, growing up, and having more and more to deal with on a daily basis is a hard thing to overcome sometimes, and longing for the pst is even harder. All someone can ask for is a little excitement sometimes.