what if you did | what if you lied?
Exams are coming and this explains the long stop in blogging =/ but I don't have much in the way of readers anyway and thus I guess it's no big loss eh? >_>
The whole thing about acts in front of friends has surfaced to the forefront. I've gotten a bit sick of acting like a punk retard and getting dissed by half the gep population in return, and then returning home moody and angsty and thinking. Yep. Well it's everyone's right to have their own opinions (like for example, Eka thinking I am a ugly loser, and I AM ugly anyway so he's half right I guess) and well what I choose to do shouldn't be based on constantly pleasing other people.
This is a sort of half rant on IB, cuz the finals and stress over not getting in are really killing me. Also, wondering what to do if I don't get in. I'll be moving house by the holidays, and this is also coupled with a fear of losing my internet/getting thrown out or something. I don't trust my family not to do it.
So anyway returning to my previous statement. In school, in church and generally in public I'm usually disliked by half the group (generally the "cool" group) and liked (or at least to my paranoid mind they pretend to) by the other. This is the reason why I don't talk to a lot of people or dao them now, because they just irritate me by constantly excluding me due to my uncoolness/I look ugly/I act retarded/whatever. Or just because they've hurt me in some way. And so, I don't talk to those I formerly counted as friends. (Josephine here being a prime example, maybe Mark and Deborah? list not exclusive.)
So here in the privacy of my blog, I turn back into my more normal and thoughtful self, which I show to few people who don't read here. But no one really ever gets to see this side of me, and I guess that seeing the other is enough for me to lose "friends".
In the end after years of teasing I have like zero self esteem and I'm like high on altruism? My mind has enough paranoia to be given to about 5 people and it'll always strike when I'm alone and thinking. So since my life isn't a good one and not worth living, I might as well spend it by being nice to the people I like so that at least some good came out of it. Which is some sort of extreme altruism I think. This is the reason why I'm always extra nice to those I say are my friends. And even when I do this, I'll always have the back of my mind saying, "they aren't your friends junyi, they're just pretending and putting up with you, in the end you'll never have anyone". i might as well never get a girlfriend (bit young i know, but this is for like when I'm in jc/ib as well and after that) cuz I'd never make a good partner and thus I might as well stay single and do my best to be some kind of saint. whatever.
If you're turned off by what I think may sound angsty and don't wish to read, click the x. It's there for a reason. If you think you can handle some more, read on.
What I learned in church - when down, turn always to God, because he loves you and always there. Now it's sort of like the inscription on Portia's lead casket: you hazard all you have. Because that's what religions do, you don't have any solid proof God exists, but you choose to believe so, giving your entire life to this belief. The only things that could possibly be counted as evidence God exists is like the connection of the end-time prophecies and what's going in the world now (because they're too highly accurate to be a coincidence). God doesn't reveal himself and go like "Okay, I'm God, all you people worship me now!" If you were an atheist psychologist/philosopher you could say that religion was all a trick of the mind, a really clever way of persuasion and messing with people's minds, because I've been able to explain away every single Bible phenomenon with some kind of theory. It's really a leap of faith - you choose to believe in it without ever knowing how it'll turn up in the end.
(if you want to know how I sorta showed that religion is a huge elaborate trick ask me.)
So in the end even turning to the Bible won't help me, because I'll doubt God over this matter. So.
I really hope that it's not real that I don't have friends, and that we all have eternal souls. But then, it's back to thinking of that entry Mike made about heaven and hell.
Basically, it stated that (and I wondered about this before) if Heaven is a place of eternal and complete happiness, how could you be happy if you had unconverted friends in hell? You wouldn't be happy forever knowing that those people you know suffered for eternity and you couldn't do anything - in fact it would be eternal torment for you too. And even if it's argued that it was their own fault for not accepting Christ, what if they were killed in an accident right before you went to invite them to church? Is it still their fault? what if they wanted to believe and never had the chance, would they still end up like this? I'd gladly trade a place in heaven if it meant some of the people I knew who aren't Christians could be saved, because I still don't think I'd deserve it.
Sorry for the angsty rant. I know it's way too common of me to do this nowadays but meh.
it's like everything's a lie.
The whole thing about acts in front of friends has surfaced to the forefront. I've gotten a bit sick of acting like a punk retard and getting dissed by half the gep population in return, and then returning home moody and angsty and thinking. Yep. Well it's everyone's right to have their own opinions (like for example, Eka thinking I am a ugly loser, and I AM ugly anyway so he's half right I guess) and well what I choose to do shouldn't be based on constantly pleasing other people.
This is a sort of half rant on IB, cuz the finals and stress over not getting in are really killing me. Also, wondering what to do if I don't get in. I'll be moving house by the holidays, and this is also coupled with a fear of losing my internet/getting thrown out or something. I don't trust my family not to do it.
So anyway returning to my previous statement. In school, in church and generally in public I'm usually disliked by half the group (generally the "cool" group) and liked (or at least to my paranoid mind they pretend to) by the other. This is the reason why I don't talk to a lot of people or dao them now, because they just irritate me by constantly excluding me due to my uncoolness/I look ugly/I act retarded/whatever. Or just because they've hurt me in some way. And so, I don't talk to those I formerly counted as friends. (Josephine here being a prime example, maybe Mark and Deborah? list not exclusive.)
So here in the privacy of my blog, I turn back into my more normal and thoughtful self, which I show to few people who don't read here. But no one really ever gets to see this side of me, and I guess that seeing the other is enough for me to lose "friends".
In the end after years of teasing I have like zero self esteem and I'm like high on altruism? My mind has enough paranoia to be given to about 5 people and it'll always strike when I'm alone and thinking. So since my life isn't a good one and not worth living, I might as well spend it by being nice to the people I like so that at least some good came out of it. Which is some sort of extreme altruism I think. This is the reason why I'm always extra nice to those I say are my friends. And even when I do this, I'll always have the back of my mind saying, "they aren't your friends junyi, they're just pretending and putting up with you, in the end you'll never have anyone". i might as well never get a girlfriend (bit young i know, but this is for like when I'm in jc/ib as well and after that) cuz I'd never make a good partner and thus I might as well stay single and do my best to be some kind of saint. whatever.
If you're turned off by what I think may sound angsty and don't wish to read, click the x. It's there for a reason. If you think you can handle some more, read on.
What I learned in church - when down, turn always to God, because he loves you and always there. Now it's sort of like the inscription on Portia's lead casket: you hazard all you have. Because that's what religions do, you don't have any solid proof God exists, but you choose to believe so, giving your entire life to this belief. The only things that could possibly be counted as evidence God exists is like the connection of the end-time prophecies and what's going in the world now (because they're too highly accurate to be a coincidence). God doesn't reveal himself and go like "Okay, I'm God, all you people worship me now!" If you were an atheist psychologist/philosopher you could say that religion was all a trick of the mind, a really clever way of persuasion and messing with people's minds, because I've been able to explain away every single Bible phenomenon with some kind of theory. It's really a leap of faith - you choose to believe in it without ever knowing how it'll turn up in the end.
(if you want to know how I sorta showed that religion is a huge elaborate trick ask me.)
So in the end even turning to the Bible won't help me, because I'll doubt God over this matter. So.
I really hope that it's not real that I don't have friends, and that we all have eternal souls. But then, it's back to thinking of that entry Mike made about heaven and hell.
Basically, it stated that (and I wondered about this before) if Heaven is a place of eternal and complete happiness, how could you be happy if you had unconverted friends in hell? You wouldn't be happy forever knowing that those people you know suffered for eternity and you couldn't do anything - in fact it would be eternal torment for you too. And even if it's argued that it was their own fault for not accepting Christ, what if they were killed in an accident right before you went to invite them to church? Is it still their fault? what if they wanted to believe and never had the chance, would they still end up like this? I'd gladly trade a place in heaven if it meant some of the people I knew who aren't Christians could be saved, because I still don't think I'd deserve it.
Sorry for the angsty rant. I know it's way too common of me to do this nowadays but meh.
it's like everything's a lie.