The Very Unexpected Diary of Thorin Oakenshield
Title: The Very Unexpected Diary of Thorin Oakenshield
Author: windfallswest
Fandom: The Hobbit
Rating: PG for Elf-bashing
Disclaimer: Holy shit, the most blatant rip off of Cassandra Claire ever. Finding ties back to the original text might be harder, but I don't own that either.
Notes: Nominally beta'd by, but mostly just blamed on, htebazytook, because she told me to and it was three in the morning. And this is what happens, apparently. Also at AO3.
The Very Unexpected Diary of Thorin Oakenshield
The Very Unexpected Diary of Thorin Oakenshield
Day 1
Bloody great dragon came down out of the Withered Heath today and stole our mountain without so much as a by-your-leave. Half of family dead, other half look like charcoal briquettes. My beard was just starting to come in right, too. Stupid dragon.
Elves no help. Stupid Elves.
Grandfather seems to have gone a little nutty, but may just be upset over cracking of fancy beard-mirrors. Dad says we have to wander aimlessly through Middle Earth for rest of days. This seems like rum plan to me, but no one listens to the tweenage Dwarf Prince.
Day 10,590
Old fogies finally got tired of wandering, picked fight with orcs. Cut off excessively tall orc's arm, but not before orc cut off grandfather's head. On reflexion, doesn't seem quite fair trade. Oh, well. Orc will probably die anyway, as Khazad-dûm's first-aid facilities have really gone downhill since Nain's day.
Orcs killed: vasty armies
Day 25,989
Dad wandered off with Balin and Dwalin, got himself lost in the Greenwood. Elves probably laughing their asses off.
Balin says I'm in charge now. In charge of what? Is it possible to be king without kingdom?
I feel a brood coming on.
Day 62,200
Ran into wizard today, grey cloak, pointy hat. Idiot had been sitting on message from dad for years. Think is because he's high all the time on that plant they grow in the Shire. I agreed smoke is quite good, but interferes with brooding. Also, his beard is longer than mine.
Wizard gave me old map of mountain, said it was from dad. Like I don't remember where we left it. It's a bloody great mountain, only thing sticking up for hundreds of leagues. Not about to get up and walk off, now is it?
Dad apparently dead now, but second-hand smoke is effecting my angst. Will brood tomorrow.
Day 62,346
Have assembled company to beat up dragon and reclaim kingdom and tons of swag, but Balin informs me number thirteen bad juju. Gandalf says he'll find us burglar to go along. Unless the burglar also comes with an oxcart, will probably not be much help in reclaiming swag.
Day 62,347
Am not sure about this short fellow as burglar, but definitely shaggable. Took forever to find the place; Gandalf no good at directions. On reflexion, glad he decided not to be 'number fourteen' as is obviously going senile like dad and grandad. Forgot to tell me about key to secret door dad gave him with map, too.
If burglar smokes as much as Gandalf does, his wits probably as baked. Perhaps thirteen not such a bad number? Balin such a superstitious old grandmother.
Day 62,348
Burglar overslept, came running up on us on foot like ten balrogs on his heels. Funniest thing I've seen all decade, but probably more evidence of ill-effects of smoking habit. Suspect real reason Gandalf suggested burglar is because he is a pervy hobbit-fancier. Will have Bifur kill him if he tries anything.
Orcs killed: 0
Still no kingdom.
Day 62,383
Almost sat on by trolls. Stupid trolls.
Did find treasure, but as burglar has no ox cart, had minions bury it in traditional fashion. Gandalf says I have to carry poncy Elf-sword around. Stupid Elves.
Day 62,390
Ambushed by orcs: finally, some excitement! Gandalf apparently sane by wizard standards; not sure whether to be reassured or alarmed.
On downside, v promising crevice turned into secret entrance to Elf valley. Will have to ask Balin, but I think it counts as infringement. You don't see dwarves going around building tree houses, now do you?
Orcs killed: 4
Unexpected wizards: 1
Unexpected Elves: too many
Day 62,404
Finally escaped fashion-blind Elf lord (seriously, purple armour? Elves have no dignity). Snuck out while White Council was staging intervention for Gandalf. Company well-rid of his Hobbit fetishes. Just as well, as if we stayed any longer burglar would be as fat as Bombur.
Beard update: hair still insists on growing out top of head instead of chin. Perhaps am spending too much time above ground? Will brood on matter.
No kingdom today, either.
Day 62,452
Almost smashed by Stone Giants. Stupid giants. Instead, were captured by orcs. Stupid orcs.
Overheard Bofur trying to put moves on burglar. Thought we ditched that problem with wizard. Then orcs dropped us into depthless pit. Lucky for Bofur.
Lost burglar, but reacquired wizard. Bofur pouting, but Fili and Kili excited for return of pointy hat. O, for the dignity of the House of Durin.
Orcs killed: countless hordes.
Day 62,455
Found daylight, and also burglar, in fetchingly tousled state. And just when I was working up to a really good brood. I wonder if my beard's got any longer?
Turns out the excessively tall orc who killed grandpa is still hanging around, nursing a grudge and sporting poorly-made prosthetic (that death metal look is so Second Age). Have lost rematch; perhaps best two out of three? Have at least discovered burglar is surprisingly feisty.
Day 62,456
First hiding in tree, now carried off by oversized pigeons? Wizards have no respect for Dwarvish culture.
Nope, no kingdom, but very tall rock sot of like mountain where I snuck nice grope with burglar under pretext of praising comradely valour. Perhaps can find time to teach him how to handle sword.
Now if wizard would just have told birds to drop us on flat ground.
Author: windfallswest
Fandom: The Hobbit
Rating: PG for Elf-bashing
Disclaimer: Holy shit, the most blatant rip off of Cassandra Claire ever. Finding ties back to the original text might be harder, but I don't own that either.
Notes: Nominally beta'd by, but mostly just blamed on, htebazytook, because she told me to and it was three in the morning. And this is what happens, apparently. Also at AO3.
The Very Unexpected Diary of Thorin Oakenshield
The Very Unexpected Diary of Thorin Oakenshield
Day 1
Bloody great dragon came down out of the Withered Heath today and stole our mountain without so much as a by-your-leave. Half of family dead, other half look like charcoal briquettes. My beard was just starting to come in right, too. Stupid dragon.
Elves no help. Stupid Elves.
Grandfather seems to have gone a little nutty, but may just be upset over cracking of fancy beard-mirrors. Dad says we have to wander aimlessly through Middle Earth for rest of days. This seems like rum plan to me, but no one listens to the tweenage Dwarf Prince.
Day 10,590
Old fogies finally got tired of wandering, picked fight with orcs. Cut off excessively tall orc's arm, but not before orc cut off grandfather's head. On reflexion, doesn't seem quite fair trade. Oh, well. Orc will probably die anyway, as Khazad-dûm's first-aid facilities have really gone downhill since Nain's day.
Orcs killed: vasty armies
Day 25,989
Dad wandered off with Balin and Dwalin, got himself lost in the Greenwood. Elves probably laughing their asses off.
Balin says I'm in charge now. In charge of what? Is it possible to be king without kingdom?
I feel a brood coming on.
Day 62,200
Ran into wizard today, grey cloak, pointy hat. Idiot had been sitting on message from dad for years. Think is because he's high all the time on that plant they grow in the Shire. I agreed smoke is quite good, but interferes with brooding. Also, his beard is longer than mine.
Wizard gave me old map of mountain, said it was from dad. Like I don't remember where we left it. It's a bloody great mountain, only thing sticking up for hundreds of leagues. Not about to get up and walk off, now is it?
Dad apparently dead now, but second-hand smoke is effecting my angst. Will brood tomorrow.
Day 62,346
Have assembled company to beat up dragon and reclaim kingdom and tons of swag, but Balin informs me number thirteen bad juju. Gandalf says he'll find us burglar to go along. Unless the burglar also comes with an oxcart, will probably not be much help in reclaiming swag.
Day 62,347
Am not sure about this short fellow as burglar, but definitely shaggable. Took forever to find the place; Gandalf no good at directions. On reflexion, glad he decided not to be 'number fourteen' as is obviously going senile like dad and grandad. Forgot to tell me about key to secret door dad gave him with map, too.
If burglar smokes as much as Gandalf does, his wits probably as baked. Perhaps thirteen not such a bad number? Balin such a superstitious old grandmother.
Day 62,348
Burglar overslept, came running up on us on foot like ten balrogs on his heels. Funniest thing I've seen all decade, but probably more evidence of ill-effects of smoking habit. Suspect real reason Gandalf suggested burglar is because he is a pervy hobbit-fancier. Will have Bifur kill him if he tries anything.
Orcs killed: 0
Still no kingdom.
Day 62,383
Almost sat on by trolls. Stupid trolls.
Did find treasure, but as burglar has no ox cart, had minions bury it in traditional fashion. Gandalf says I have to carry poncy Elf-sword around. Stupid Elves.
Day 62,390
Ambushed by orcs: finally, some excitement! Gandalf apparently sane by wizard standards; not sure whether to be reassured or alarmed.
On downside, v promising crevice turned into secret entrance to Elf valley. Will have to ask Balin, but I think it counts as infringement. You don't see dwarves going around building tree houses, now do you?
Orcs killed: 4
Unexpected wizards: 1
Unexpected Elves: too many
Day 62,404
Finally escaped fashion-blind Elf lord (seriously, purple armour? Elves have no dignity). Snuck out while White Council was staging intervention for Gandalf. Company well-rid of his Hobbit fetishes. Just as well, as if we stayed any longer burglar would be as fat as Bombur.
Beard update: hair still insists on growing out top of head instead of chin. Perhaps am spending too much time above ground? Will brood on matter.
No kingdom today, either.
Day 62,452
Almost smashed by Stone Giants. Stupid giants. Instead, were captured by orcs. Stupid orcs.
Overheard Bofur trying to put moves on burglar. Thought we ditched that problem with wizard. Then orcs dropped us into depthless pit. Lucky for Bofur.
Lost burglar, but reacquired wizard. Bofur pouting, but Fili and Kili excited for return of pointy hat. O, for the dignity of the House of Durin.
Orcs killed: countless hordes.
Day 62,455
Found daylight, and also burglar, in fetchingly tousled state. And just when I was working up to a really good brood. I wonder if my beard's got any longer?
Turns out the excessively tall orc who killed grandpa is still hanging around, nursing a grudge and sporting poorly-made prosthetic (that death metal look is so Second Age). Have lost rematch; perhaps best two out of three? Have at least discovered burglar is surprisingly feisty.
Day 62,456
First hiding in tree, now carried off by oversized pigeons? Wizards have no respect for Dwarvish culture.
Nope, no kingdom, but very tall rock sot of like mountain where I snuck nice grope with burglar under pretext of praising comradely valour. Perhaps can find time to teach him how to handle sword.
Now if wizard would just have told birds to drop us on flat ground.