Balfour Steelballs
Some people have commented on what cruel teases the authors of Steelhands were in not transcribing some few stanzas of Balfour Steelballs. I have endeavoured, in my own small way, to correct this. Based on the limerick drinking song, but also very slightly on the tune of John Paul Jones by Johnny Horton (which I mention only to get it stuck in all of your heads).
Chorus:
Balfour Steelballs was a man, a flying man was he
He lost his hands to the Ke-Han, but worser woes had he:
He lost his balls and pecker too, which was a misery.
Thirteen airmen once flew
To give the Ke-Han their due.
They cussed the sky black
And it cracked as they jacked
And it rained on the dome when they blew.
Ai yi yi yi
The Ke-Han are ass-fucking nancies.
When Balfour got mangled so bad
It made th'Esarina quite sad.
She pled with th'Esar
And bastion, to please her
Th'Esar replaced Balfour's 'nads.
[Chorus]
His dick once had a name
That put all his brothers' to shame.
Now it's twelve inches long,
A solid steel schlong.
Said Anastasia, "Feels just the same."
Ai yi yi yi
Who wants to fuck Mary Margrave?
Once his nibs Airman Balfour
Took up with a Mollyrat whore
"They were cold we begun,
But by the time we were done
Everything felt well and warm."
[Chorus]
His statue up there in the square
Decided they ought to compare.
They pulled down their drawers
And lined up for the whores.
Balfour won, two inches to spare.
Ai yi yi yi
Your father refills chocolate beignets
'Tis the truth, not one of our japes
That Balfour had some close escapes
Undid Greylace's laces;
He tried out her paces.
Says he, "Her carpet, it don't match the drapes."
[Chorus]
Ai yi yi yi
The Arlemagne all take it like women.
Th'Esarina was vexed
'Cause she missed the way Balfour sexed.
But when Balfour came by,
Th'Esar let fly.
Said Balfour, "Don't worry, you're next."
[Chorus]
Chorus:
Balfour Steelballs was a man, a flying man was he
He lost his hands to the Ke-Han, but worser woes had he:
He lost his balls and pecker too, which was a misery.
Thirteen airmen once flew
To give the Ke-Han their due.
They cussed the sky black
And it cracked as they jacked
And it rained on the dome when they blew.
Ai yi yi yi
The Ke-Han are ass-fucking nancies.
When Balfour got mangled so bad
It made th'Esarina quite sad.
She pled with th'Esar
And bastion, to please her
Th'Esar replaced Balfour's 'nads.
[Chorus]
His dick once had a name
That put all his brothers' to shame.
Now it's twelve inches long,
A solid steel schlong.
Said Anastasia, "Feels just the same."
Ai yi yi yi
Who wants to fuck Mary Margrave?
Once his nibs Airman Balfour
Took up with a Mollyrat whore
"They were cold we begun,
But by the time we were done
Everything felt well and warm."
[Chorus]
His statue up there in the square
Decided they ought to compare.
They pulled down their drawers
And lined up for the whores.
Balfour won, two inches to spare.
Ai yi yi yi
Your father refills chocolate beignets
'Tis the truth, not one of our japes
That Balfour had some close escapes
Undid Greylace's laces;
He tried out her paces.
Says he, "Her carpet, it don't match the drapes."
[Chorus]
Ai yi yi yi
The Arlemagne all take it like women.
Th'Esarina was vexed
'Cause she missed the way Balfour sexed.
But when Balfour came by,
Th'Esar let fly.
Said Balfour, "Don't worry, you're next."
[Chorus]