Digital Dust
For the longest time I believed and accepted that Kayla and I were going to be together for the rest of my life. "Breaking up is not an option," we used to say. We were confident that neither of us would do anything to jeopardize our relationship, and even if one of us did something stupid, we knew we'd work through it. Then I lost her out of the blue to mover's remorse. We didn't have an official break-up talk, but I just noticed she changed her status to single on the book of faces.
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I didn't know this, but when you dump someone on Facebook it asks you if you "need a break?" and gives you several options to keep your ex off your news feed or you off his or hers. I wonder when that feature became a thing. Back in my day, you had to actually unfriend the bitch if you didn't want to see her laughing and dancing with horny cowboys, and by doing that you just made yourself look dramatic and weak. Our culture has moved in the direction of breaking up digitally as well as in real life (or in my case, instead of in real life). It has become such a norm that the digital world has adjusted to make it easier on us by giving us options that will, of course, remain anonymous. How very considerate of them.
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I found comfort in our love despite the sacrifices I had to make to commit to it. In the end, I knew it was worth it to have companionship over new flings that wouldn't last till dawn. I chose to invest in a relationship that I not only enjoyed, but valued as an extension of my own life. Helping Kayla with her struggle gave me a sense of purpose and direction like nothing I've had before. I felt useful. And I knew that if she succeeded, our future would be secure in ways that I've never been able to enjoy.
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I would have done things a bit differently had I known this was coming. I would have broken things off with Kayla the night I got drinks with Emily, and that night would have ended differently. I also might have added two, maybe three girls from Ciao's to my count. Instead I remained loyal and retained my dignity, my eyes forever on the real prize. Breaking up was not an option, after all, right?
Kayla did a damn good job fooling me into believing she would never leave me. And I did a damn good job fooling myself into believing it was actually true. I now know that relationships are not meant to last forever. They are meant to last as long as they are convenient and enjoyable. You can say all the faerie tale bullshit you want to each other, and then one day the sun rises in the west and nothing makes sense or feels right anymore.
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I try not to think about Kayla, but it's difficult. She was such an integral part of my life and I am so used to her that it is tough to accept that she's just not there anymore. The pain can be controlled, the emptiness filled, but adjusting has to happen naturally. It cannot be sped up.
My curiosity is my demon. I wish I didn't care what she was thinking or what she was doing. All I can do is guess, and somehow that's way worse than actually knowing. Maybe it isn't. I just don't know anymore.
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The only thing for either of us to do is push on. So I went over to Dulce after I clocked out to say goodnight to Lexi and instead of simply saying "okay, bye," she opened her arms and gave me a hug. I wasn't expecting that. I sort of panicked and quickly said "When are you working next? Tomorrow?" mid-embrace. She gave me a sarcastic "oh yeah," and I smiled. "Cool, see you tomorrow," I said, and took off before I blundered and said literally anything else.
I keep wanting to text her "so when are we hanging out?" but the longer I don't the better it is for me. I don't see anyone as relationship material right now; it's far too soon for that. I just want to play the game and have fun. I gotta' make sure I still got it. Even if nothing ever happens with the girls I flirt with, it's exciting because it matters now. When I was with Kayla, I could say whatever to whomever and I didn't give a shit if it worked or not because I wasn't trying to get with them. I was just practicing my lines in case the day came when I needed them again.
Maybe tomorrow I'll pretend to be too busy to interact with Lexi, then maybe I'll leave without saying goodbye, then maybe I'll text her "so when are we hanging out?" Or maybe I won't do any of those things. The future is full of unknowns, possibilities and opportunities, and I just love it.
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It's strange to think that I might be too busy and excited to be hurt, lonely or depressed about all of this. I started a new life when I moved to Oregon, and even though I assumed Kayla would join me and make it even better, it didn't change much when she decided she wasn't going to do that. Maybe this break-up is way easier for me than it is for her. She might be devastated for all I know. And she might be getting fucked right now for all I know. I don't really want either of those to be true, if you want my honest opinion. All I want is for us to have one of our usual calm, intellectual conversations. Then we can go our separate ways and give each other respectful privacy until the day comes when it doesn't hurt too much to be friends. We broke up in the digital world, now it's time for us to do it in the real one.
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I didn't know this, but when you dump someone on Facebook it asks you if you "need a break?" and gives you several options to keep your ex off your news feed or you off his or hers. I wonder when that feature became a thing. Back in my day, you had to actually unfriend the bitch if you didn't want to see her laughing and dancing with horny cowboys, and by doing that you just made yourself look dramatic and weak. Our culture has moved in the direction of breaking up digitally as well as in real life (or in my case, instead of in real life). It has become such a norm that the digital world has adjusted to make it easier on us by giving us options that will, of course, remain anonymous. How very considerate of them.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I found comfort in our love despite the sacrifices I had to make to commit to it. In the end, I knew it was worth it to have companionship over new flings that wouldn't last till dawn. I chose to invest in a relationship that I not only enjoyed, but valued as an extension of my own life. Helping Kayla with her struggle gave me a sense of purpose and direction like nothing I've had before. I felt useful. And I knew that if she succeeded, our future would be secure in ways that I've never been able to enjoy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I would have done things a bit differently had I known this was coming. I would have broken things off with Kayla the night I got drinks with Emily, and that night would have ended differently. I also might have added two, maybe three girls from Ciao's to my count. Instead I remained loyal and retained my dignity, my eyes forever on the real prize. Breaking up was not an option, after all, right?
Kayla did a damn good job fooling me into believing she would never leave me. And I did a damn good job fooling myself into believing it was actually true. I now know that relationships are not meant to last forever. They are meant to last as long as they are convenient and enjoyable. You can say all the faerie tale bullshit you want to each other, and then one day the sun rises in the west and nothing makes sense or feels right anymore.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I try not to think about Kayla, but it's difficult. She was such an integral part of my life and I am so used to her that it is tough to accept that she's just not there anymore. The pain can be controlled, the emptiness filled, but adjusting has to happen naturally. It cannot be sped up.
My curiosity is my demon. I wish I didn't care what she was thinking or what she was doing. All I can do is guess, and somehow that's way worse than actually knowing. Maybe it isn't. I just don't know anymore.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The only thing for either of us to do is push on. So I went over to Dulce after I clocked out to say goodnight to Lexi and instead of simply saying "okay, bye," she opened her arms and gave me a hug. I wasn't expecting that. I sort of panicked and quickly said "When are you working next? Tomorrow?" mid-embrace. She gave me a sarcastic "oh yeah," and I smiled. "Cool, see you tomorrow," I said, and took off before I blundered and said literally anything else.
I keep wanting to text her "so when are we hanging out?" but the longer I don't the better it is for me. I don't see anyone as relationship material right now; it's far too soon for that. I just want to play the game and have fun. I gotta' make sure I still got it. Even if nothing ever happens with the girls I flirt with, it's exciting because it matters now. When I was with Kayla, I could say whatever to whomever and I didn't give a shit if it worked or not because I wasn't trying to get with them. I was just practicing my lines in case the day came when I needed them again.
Maybe tomorrow I'll pretend to be too busy to interact with Lexi, then maybe I'll leave without saying goodbye, then maybe I'll text her "so when are we hanging out?" Or maybe I won't do any of those things. The future is full of unknowns, possibilities and opportunities, and I just love it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's strange to think that I might be too busy and excited to be hurt, lonely or depressed about all of this. I started a new life when I moved to Oregon, and even though I assumed Kayla would join me and make it even better, it didn't change much when she decided she wasn't going to do that. Maybe this break-up is way easier for me than it is for her. She might be devastated for all I know. And she might be getting fucked right now for all I know. I don't really want either of those to be true, if you want my honest opinion. All I want is for us to have one of our usual calm, intellectual conversations. Then we can go our separate ways and give each other respectful privacy until the day comes when it doesn't hurt too much to be friends. We broke up in the digital world, now it's time for us to do it in the real one.