(no subject)
for a few days/months now i have been filled with the most awful self-loathing. somehow everything i'm responsible for doing is suffering from a lack of motivation on my part. and the one thing that I find myself motivated to do, music, nobody else shares my motivation and i'm left frustrated. I woke up at 9:30 today to go to work, to which I haven't been since last monday, talked myself into going back to sleep, and woke up at 1:40p. My work isn't a pencil-pushing job though - i'm responsible for creating a tutoring program for at-risk students. Every time i skip work I feel that I am letting these kids down. yes, my work is sort of inherently flawed by not giving me a specific job to do, but how much effort is it for me to take a bus to the place for a 4- or 5-hour workday? and instead I piss it away oversleeping every time.
but i feel that all of that is just a microcosm of my other, larger issues. my mindset towards going to work currently is exactly like my mindset last semester towards going to class - that is, blowing it off, not getting anything out of it when I did go, and then hating myself later for it. somehow I feel myself slipping further and further away from having any real motivation to do anything at all. I'm on the verge of taking a year off of school just cause i'm too irresponsible to squander a year's worth of a yale education on what will inevitably be waking up late for class, doing shitty on assignments, and embarrassing myself in front of everyone who still thinks i'm an apt and promising student. What is my issue? practically everyone else in the world is capable of getting themselves out of bed to go to class, or go to work, and their classes don't even have the sick professors I have, or any of the stuff I take for granted at work. some people get out of bed in the morning to haul trash around, to put things in perspective. and at the same time I can't get myself to attend work when I even have my own office?!
in a striking reversal of the above trends, whenever i am at band practice or some musical event I find myself overly motivated to work on the music, and getting frustrated when we get sidetracked by talking or goofing off. andy (tenor sax in gcgg) said to me that he was impressed by my level of motivation - that one time in practice he was just tired of it by that point, but even then I still wanted to keep playing. sick, i guess, but what does that mean for me in terms of playing in bands? I'm growing increasingly frustrated with gcgg because nobody else seems to want to put the same time into making music as do I; but will i ever play with anybody who is as motivated as I seem to be?
it also brings up a very central issue, which is that as time goes on I increasingly view myself as a musician primarily, and that I'm trying to lead two separate lives, one as a musician, and another as a college student on his way to a sweet finance-sector job. I feel like I'm hiding my very identity from my parents / guidance counselors / professors; my parents are under the pretense that I want to apply for consulting/i-banking stuff for after graduation. and while I am still under that pretense to an extent, the way things are going in my life right now is just crying out to me that i'm destined for other things. but lets be realistic - in order to be a musician by trade, I need to be able to motivate myself to do other shit for a living wage; and the way things are now, I don't care about anything that's not directly related to music. how am I going to live like this?! ...i need a girlfriend. jesus
but i feel that all of that is just a microcosm of my other, larger issues. my mindset towards going to work currently is exactly like my mindset last semester towards going to class - that is, blowing it off, not getting anything out of it when I did go, and then hating myself later for it. somehow I feel myself slipping further and further away from having any real motivation to do anything at all. I'm on the verge of taking a year off of school just cause i'm too irresponsible to squander a year's worth of a yale education on what will inevitably be waking up late for class, doing shitty on assignments, and embarrassing myself in front of everyone who still thinks i'm an apt and promising student. What is my issue? practically everyone else in the world is capable of getting themselves out of bed to go to class, or go to work, and their classes don't even have the sick professors I have, or any of the stuff I take for granted at work. some people get out of bed in the morning to haul trash around, to put things in perspective. and at the same time I can't get myself to attend work when I even have my own office?!
in a striking reversal of the above trends, whenever i am at band practice or some musical event I find myself overly motivated to work on the music, and getting frustrated when we get sidetracked by talking or goofing off. andy (tenor sax in gcgg) said to me that he was impressed by my level of motivation - that one time in practice he was just tired of it by that point, but even then I still wanted to keep playing. sick, i guess, but what does that mean for me in terms of playing in bands? I'm growing increasingly frustrated with gcgg because nobody else seems to want to put the same time into making music as do I; but will i ever play with anybody who is as motivated as I seem to be?
it also brings up a very central issue, which is that as time goes on I increasingly view myself as a musician primarily, and that I'm trying to lead two separate lives, one as a musician, and another as a college student on his way to a sweet finance-sector job. I feel like I'm hiding my very identity from my parents / guidance counselors / professors; my parents are under the pretense that I want to apply for consulting/i-banking stuff for after graduation. and while I am still under that pretense to an extent, the way things are going in my life right now is just crying out to me that i'm destined for other things. but lets be realistic - in order to be a musician by trade, I need to be able to motivate myself to do other shit for a living wage; and the way things are now, I don't care about anything that's not directly related to music. how am I going to live like this?! ...i need a girlfriend. jesus