(no subject)
it's been a while. There's so much that has happened since I last came in here and actually posted something. I wanted to come here a lot over the past almost two years but I couldn't find the words. and I couldn't find a way to organize my thoughts. But I did want to note for my future self that the world did shut down because of COVID-19 at one point in time. We are still dealing with it now with all of its mutations, and while people have been getting vaccinated, there aren't enough for us to slow down this thing.
well, the thing that I expected to happen, happened. I had already had a suspicion when the messages slowed down, and a new 'friend' appeared on camera. I thought he would at least have said something to me directly, but knowing him, I'm sure he thinks he owes me nothing. I mean what was it all anyway, right? we weren't in a relationship. COVID happened, so nobody was going out or traveling, but I knew once it started blowing over this would happen. kinda hoped it would be me finding someone so I could move on first, but, we know I was only fooling myself. wish he could have just been direct, though. and do the decent thing.
we talked before about finding people who encouraged and inspired us to be better people. i hope she makes him want to be a better man - if nothing else, at least repay the money I leant at the beginning of the year. after everything I feel like I am entitled to that, at least. Outside of that, there is nothing much else to say. I thought back to the last blowout two years ago and I realized nothing has changed. I mean I had hoped it would but it never did... and we were right back full circle. He doesn't get it right now, but someday I hope he feels badly. just because I know that would make him a better man. right now, if there is even any guilt - it's not out of understanding, but rather because he knows he should feel guilty.
the rest is on me. I knew better. I knew how this was going to go eventually, and for a while I thought I'd be OK since we all needed a distraction during COVID. I'm not sure when that changed and I slipped back into... wanting more, despite knowing that was never going to happen. It was never going to be me. I was just here as a stand-in until the real star, something better, comes along. I know it's a horrible pattern I have where I end up in this situation often, and I am an expert at breaking my own heart.
I know eventually I'll get over it... because I always do. But I don't know how to break this pattern. And why is it that with some people who I know didn't reciprocate how I felt - why was it so easy to walk away from them, but not others?
let's just pretend I died, okay? that I never existed in your life. I think it would be much easier that way. I don't want to face him... ever again. I have nothing left in me.