Untitled
I like tormenting my muses.
College is an interesting time.
He goes to the University with Riku and Sora, more because he doesn't want to be left behind than anything else. But all the books and magazines and TV shows say that going to college after high school is a totally normal and expected thing, and an important part of any young adult's life. Ri isn't quite sure about that, but he has nothing better to do. Most of his first semester is a whirl of activity, moving and getting classes and adjusting to this new life. Riku and Sora grow closer together, planning out their classes to take together, or matching up their breaks so they can have lunch and study... they've even managed to share a dorm room together.
Ri is glad to see them laugh so easily and meld together like that. As for himself, he throws himself into Greek Week and rushes, and joins the first fraternity he finds that looks like fun. He moves out of the dorms and into the frat house, and he thinks maybe Riku and Sora look a little sad, but just grins and says he'll be fine. The party is where he's going anyway. Besides, Riku and Sora deserve time alone without him interfering. And it works because they get closer and closer and Ri can see it, and he's okay with his decision to step away. They never really needed him anyway.
He still doesn't know what he wants to major in (Riku already knows, and so does Sora), but that doesn't matter. He knows he likes to work with his hands, likes to create instead of destroy. He gets a part time job off campus that takes up alot of his time. Between frat activities and classes and work, he visits Namine as often as he can. It doesn't matter what he does in college, because what's in his future is her. Nothing else matters besides that. He makes a decision that he'll get his degree and a good job, and then he'll buy Namine a fancy ring and propose to her the proper way. He thinks that he'd be a good husband, and Namine would be a beautiful wife. He'll build a house for just the two of them, maybe near the beach. Sometimes he even imagines children for them, smiling, with Namine's hair and his eyes.
And he is happy.
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And then his whole world comes crashing down.
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Kairi goes away to study in Radiant Garden.
Namine goes with her.
Ri is not there with all of their friends when they get into the gummi ship and leave.
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Ri is aware that he's lost time somewhere.
He doesn't know what day it is, or how long it's been. There's just a bad taste in the back of his throat (again), and some girl (or is this a boy) sprawled half on top of him. He doesn't even know where he is.
But it doesn't matter.
Since Namine has gone away -- left him left him thrown him away like the useless thing he is -- Ri has been drinking more. Constantly. And going to parties. All the pretty girls he's teased and turned away, he now hunts down with a smile. All the curious boys he's joked around with, he now presses against a wall during a party when no one will know. And nothing matters, but at least they want him, right? They all want him and he's kept them away, but there's no need for that anymore. Namine's gone and left him and now he can do anything. And these people... they want him. So he gives himself up to them. It doesn't matter who. And the drinking helps dull his mind, helps him forget.
And that's good, too.
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It's over a week before Sora and Riku realize something is wrong.
Sora has been moody since Kairi has gone away, and then there have been classes and clubs and studying. Life has been busy, but busy in a way very different from keyblading. But eventually they notice. Food is piling up in their little fridge in the room, and the beer is untouched. Riku's candy remains where it's hidden. Even their beds stay made when they get back from classes; usually Ri crashes in their room, jokingly saying that his frat house isn't a good place to get quality sleep.
But the bed are cold. The shower hasn't been used. Ri's scent -- fruity shampoo and his aftershave -- has completely disappeared, though it usually lingers when he's been around.
Worried, they go to the frat house to check up on Ri. Students that they pass along the way say they haven't seen "Riku's cousin" in any of his classes. Riku worries that maybe he got sick. Sora can't hide his disdain and says that Ri's probably drunk again or maybe been partying too hard. But even with a hangover, Ri usually drags himself to class no matter what. Then he hides himself away in Riku and Sora's dorm room to be pampered and recover. When they get to the frat house, they get no answers to Ri's whereabouts, and that's when they really start to worry.
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"Ri? Man, no way. I haven't seen him in like... a week. Shouldn't you know, Riku? You're his cousin, right? You mean you don't know? He took his girlfriend dumping him pretty hard. HA! Or maybe not. He's been banging everyone in sight. Guess she was just holding him back. At least he didn't propose to her. We've been taking bets. I knew he'd never really be the type to settle down and this just proves it. He's been partying harder than I've ever seen. Were you at the kegger on Saturday? No? Man, he tore the place up. Haven't seen him since then."
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He doesn't know how he got here, but he doesn't care.
In front of him is the Door. He staggers towards it, claws the wood, tries to force it open with bare fingers. He knows that what he wants is beyond this Door. Kingdom Hearts. He wants to go back. He needs to go back. They want him, but no one needs him. No one wants to be his or make him theirs. He's denied it for as long as he could, but now he thinks his Heart is broken and bleeding in his chest.
He slams his fists against the Door, raging. He bloodies his hands in the way he promised to never do again. But who cares? Promises mean nothing. He is nothing. There is nothing left for him. No hope. No love. No meaning. No one and nothing and he's been discarded yet again. There is nothing for him to live for, all his dreams and wishes are dead, so he should be, too.
He screams at the Door, then starts pleading, begging, crying. He's on his knees with tears on his face, pleading with the Door to let him in. To open up just for a second so he can slip in and fade into oblivion again.
He should never have been made. He never should have been re-made.
If this is what it's like to be Real, he'd rather not exist at all.
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The Secret Place smells like blood.
Sora and Riku rush into the little cave, the last place they could think of where Ri would go besides leaving the world completely. Riku makes a choked noise of denial and Sora is frozen in place by the sight before him. The Secret Place smells like blood because the Door is practically covered in it.
Bloody red handprints are smeared across the surface. The wood of the Door is clawed and scratched, burnt and gouged, but it still remains closed. More blood leaves trails and splatters over its full length, particularly at the hingers and lock, and there is a particularly dark pool at the base of the door, where it looks like someone clawed the dirt to try and dig their way in.
Sora is so appalled by the sight of the Door that he barely notices when Riku dashes forward with a shout, dropping to his knees and cradling something up in his arms. He can only watch in horror as that thing laying in a huddle by the door ends up being Ri. But this can't be Ri. His long silver hair is streaked with dirt and blood and filth. The only clean spots on his face are where the tears trailed down his cheeks. He's shockingly thin and weak, and Sora makes a sound of distress at the same time Riku does when they see what's happened to his hands.
Ri's head lolls back over Riku's arm, and for one brief moment, Sora thinks that maybe they're too late. Ri looks like he's dead. But then he wheezes, eyes fluttering, and Riku holds him close, babbling about how things will be okay. Sora steps closer as well, reaching out one hand to brush the matted hair from Ri's face. They're both completely surprised when Ri's eyes flash open -- full of rage and terror and emptiness -- and he swats Sora's hand away from him. He's stronger than he looks, thin and shaking, but manages to shoves Riku away. Both Sora and Riku can only stare as Ri drags himself to the Door again, and starts beating on it with his hands, leaving new bright streaks of red on its surface.
Sora has never seen such a thing before.
He almost wishes he never had to.
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"... let me in let me in please let me in I don't want to be here let me die there's nothing here for me why won't you let me back in I want to be there I can't stand this anymore let me die let me die let me die..."
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In the end, it's Sora who knocks Ri unconscious, slamming the hilt of his keyblade over the back of Ri's head.
Riku is the one who carries him back home -- Sora's home because it's closest -- Ri nothing more than a deadweight in his arms.
They both work together to strip Ri of his filthy clothes (they'll have to be burned) and are shocked by just how thin and weak Ri's body has become. They bathe him carefully in warm water and nice smelling things. They take care to wash and pamper him, and Sora has to heal his mangled hands. But even after two times and a potion, Ri's hands still have to wrapped in bandages.
They lay Ri down to sleep in Sora's bed, and curl up around him to show him they care, but his Heart still beats sluggishly in his chest. Clean and still unconscious, they can almost pretend that Ri is sleeping, that he'll wake up any second with a smile and laugh and tease them both about being worryworts. But that's not what happens.
When Ri finally wakes, he's in a rage. He fights them both, tries to get back out and back to the Secret Place and the Door. Sora has to knock him out again, when Ri's bandaged hands squeeze around Riku's throat.
Ri wakes a second time, and this time his eyes are full of tears. He sobs in front of them, curling into a ball on the bed and refusing to let them touch or comfort him. He begs them to let him go. He tells them the pain is too much and he wants to die. Sora finally casts a sleep spell on Ri, then collapses in Riku's arms and cries.
The third time Ri wakes, he lays flat on his back and stares at the ceiling. He doesn't respond when they talk to him or touch him. He's like a boy-sized doll laying in Sora's bed. When his eyes finally close of their own accord, it's almost a relief. And this time it's Riku who cries, and says that they're going to lose him.
It takes longer, but the fourth time Ri wakes, it seems very much like the third. He lets them prop him up and feed him broth and soft fresh-baked bread. Sora brushes out his hair and Riku helps Ri put on fresh pyjamas. Despite nothing happening -- no fighting, no tears -- both Riku and Sora are exhausted. Ri just stares blankly. As the sun starts to set, Ri blinks, and says only one thing. Then he closes his eyes and goes to sleep again.
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"... it hurts."
College is an interesting time.
He goes to the University with Riku and Sora, more because he doesn't want to be left behind than anything else. But all the books and magazines and TV shows say that going to college after high school is a totally normal and expected thing, and an important part of any young adult's life. Ri isn't quite sure about that, but he has nothing better to do. Most of his first semester is a whirl of activity, moving and getting classes and adjusting to this new life. Riku and Sora grow closer together, planning out their classes to take together, or matching up their breaks so they can have lunch and study... they've even managed to share a dorm room together.
Ri is glad to see them laugh so easily and meld together like that. As for himself, he throws himself into Greek Week and rushes, and joins the first fraternity he finds that looks like fun. He moves out of the dorms and into the frat house, and he thinks maybe Riku and Sora look a little sad, but just grins and says he'll be fine. The party is where he's going anyway. Besides, Riku and Sora deserve time alone without him interfering. And it works because they get closer and closer and Ri can see it, and he's okay with his decision to step away. They never really needed him anyway.
He still doesn't know what he wants to major in (Riku already knows, and so does Sora), but that doesn't matter. He knows he likes to work with his hands, likes to create instead of destroy. He gets a part time job off campus that takes up alot of his time. Between frat activities and classes and work, he visits Namine as often as he can. It doesn't matter what he does in college, because what's in his future is her. Nothing else matters besides that. He makes a decision that he'll get his degree and a good job, and then he'll buy Namine a fancy ring and propose to her the proper way. He thinks that he'd be a good husband, and Namine would be a beautiful wife. He'll build a house for just the two of them, maybe near the beach. Sometimes he even imagines children for them, smiling, with Namine's hair and his eyes.
And he is happy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
And then his whole world comes crashing down.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Kairi goes away to study in Radiant Garden.
Namine goes with her.
Ri is not there with all of their friends when they get into the gummi ship and leave.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Ri is aware that he's lost time somewhere.
He doesn't know what day it is, or how long it's been. There's just a bad taste in the back of his throat (again), and some girl (or is this a boy) sprawled half on top of him. He doesn't even know where he is.
But it doesn't matter.
Since Namine has gone away -- left him left him thrown him away like the useless thing he is -- Ri has been drinking more. Constantly. And going to parties. All the pretty girls he's teased and turned away, he now hunts down with a smile. All the curious boys he's joked around with, he now presses against a wall during a party when no one will know. And nothing matters, but at least they want him, right? They all want him and he's kept them away, but there's no need for that anymore. Namine's gone and left him and now he can do anything. And these people... they want him. So he gives himself up to them. It doesn't matter who. And the drinking helps dull his mind, helps him forget.
And that's good, too.
----------------------------------------------------------
It's over a week before Sora and Riku realize something is wrong.
Sora has been moody since Kairi has gone away, and then there have been classes and clubs and studying. Life has been busy, but busy in a way very different from keyblading. But eventually they notice. Food is piling up in their little fridge in the room, and the beer is untouched. Riku's candy remains where it's hidden. Even their beds stay made when they get back from classes; usually Ri crashes in their room, jokingly saying that his frat house isn't a good place to get quality sleep.
But the bed are cold. The shower hasn't been used. Ri's scent -- fruity shampoo and his aftershave -- has completely disappeared, though it usually lingers when he's been around.
Worried, they go to the frat house to check up on Ri. Students that they pass along the way say they haven't seen "Riku's cousin" in any of his classes. Riku worries that maybe he got sick. Sora can't hide his disdain and says that Ri's probably drunk again or maybe been partying too hard. But even with a hangover, Ri usually drags himself to class no matter what. Then he hides himself away in Riku and Sora's dorm room to be pampered and recover. When they get to the frat house, they get no answers to Ri's whereabouts, and that's when they really start to worry.
-------------------------------------------------------
"Ri? Man, no way. I haven't seen him in like... a week. Shouldn't you know, Riku? You're his cousin, right? You mean you don't know? He took his girlfriend dumping him pretty hard. HA! Or maybe not. He's been banging everyone in sight. Guess she was just holding him back. At least he didn't propose to her. We've been taking bets. I knew he'd never really be the type to settle down and this just proves it. He's been partying harder than I've ever seen. Were you at the kegger on Saturday? No? Man, he tore the place up. Haven't seen him since then."
--------------------------------------------------------
He doesn't know how he got here, but he doesn't care.
In front of him is the Door. He staggers towards it, claws the wood, tries to force it open with bare fingers. He knows that what he wants is beyond this Door. Kingdom Hearts. He wants to go back. He needs to go back. They want him, but no one needs him. No one wants to be his or make him theirs. He's denied it for as long as he could, but now he thinks his Heart is broken and bleeding in his chest.
He slams his fists against the Door, raging. He bloodies his hands in the way he promised to never do again. But who cares? Promises mean nothing. He is nothing. There is nothing left for him. No hope. No love. No meaning. No one and nothing and he's been discarded yet again. There is nothing for him to live for, all his dreams and wishes are dead, so he should be, too.
He screams at the Door, then starts pleading, begging, crying. He's on his knees with tears on his face, pleading with the Door to let him in. To open up just for a second so he can slip in and fade into oblivion again.
He should never have been made. He never should have been re-made.
If this is what it's like to be Real, he'd rather not exist at all.
--------------------------------------------------------
The Secret Place smells like blood.
Sora and Riku rush into the little cave, the last place they could think of where Ri would go besides leaving the world completely. Riku makes a choked noise of denial and Sora is frozen in place by the sight before him. The Secret Place smells like blood because the Door is practically covered in it.
Bloody red handprints are smeared across the surface. The wood of the Door is clawed and scratched, burnt and gouged, but it still remains closed. More blood leaves trails and splatters over its full length, particularly at the hingers and lock, and there is a particularly dark pool at the base of the door, where it looks like someone clawed the dirt to try and dig their way in.
Sora is so appalled by the sight of the Door that he barely notices when Riku dashes forward with a shout, dropping to his knees and cradling something up in his arms. He can only watch in horror as that thing laying in a huddle by the door ends up being Ri. But this can't be Ri. His long silver hair is streaked with dirt and blood and filth. The only clean spots on his face are where the tears trailed down his cheeks. He's shockingly thin and weak, and Sora makes a sound of distress at the same time Riku does when they see what's happened to his hands.
Ri's head lolls back over Riku's arm, and for one brief moment, Sora thinks that maybe they're too late. Ri looks like he's dead. But then he wheezes, eyes fluttering, and Riku holds him close, babbling about how things will be okay. Sora steps closer as well, reaching out one hand to brush the matted hair from Ri's face. They're both completely surprised when Ri's eyes flash open -- full of rage and terror and emptiness -- and he swats Sora's hand away from him. He's stronger than he looks, thin and shaking, but manages to shoves Riku away. Both Sora and Riku can only stare as Ri drags himself to the Door again, and starts beating on it with his hands, leaving new bright streaks of red on its surface.
Sora has never seen such a thing before.
He almost wishes he never had to.
-------------------------------------------------------------
"... let me in let me in please let me in I don't want to be here let me die there's nothing here for me why won't you let me back in I want to be there I can't stand this anymore let me die let me die let me die..."
-------------------------------------------------------------
In the end, it's Sora who knocks Ri unconscious, slamming the hilt of his keyblade over the back of Ri's head.
Riku is the one who carries him back home -- Sora's home because it's closest -- Ri nothing more than a deadweight in his arms.
They both work together to strip Ri of his filthy clothes (they'll have to be burned) and are shocked by just how thin and weak Ri's body has become. They bathe him carefully in warm water and nice smelling things. They take care to wash and pamper him, and Sora has to heal his mangled hands. But even after two times and a potion, Ri's hands still have to wrapped in bandages.
They lay Ri down to sleep in Sora's bed, and curl up around him to show him they care, but his Heart still beats sluggishly in his chest. Clean and still unconscious, they can almost pretend that Ri is sleeping, that he'll wake up any second with a smile and laugh and tease them both about being worryworts. But that's not what happens.
When Ri finally wakes, he's in a rage. He fights them both, tries to get back out and back to the Secret Place and the Door. Sora has to knock him out again, when Ri's bandaged hands squeeze around Riku's throat.
Ri wakes a second time, and this time his eyes are full of tears. He sobs in front of them, curling into a ball on the bed and refusing to let them touch or comfort him. He begs them to let him go. He tells them the pain is too much and he wants to die. Sora finally casts a sleep spell on Ri, then collapses in Riku's arms and cries.
The third time Ri wakes, he lays flat on his back and stares at the ceiling. He doesn't respond when they talk to him or touch him. He's like a boy-sized doll laying in Sora's bed. When his eyes finally close of their own accord, it's almost a relief. And this time it's Riku who cries, and says that they're going to lose him.
It takes longer, but the fourth time Ri wakes, it seems very much like the third. He lets them prop him up and feed him broth and soft fresh-baked bread. Sora brushes out his hair and Riku helps Ri put on fresh pyjamas. Despite nothing happening -- no fighting, no tears -- both Riku and Sora are exhausted. Ri just stares blankly. As the sun starts to set, Ri blinks, and says only one thing. Then he closes his eyes and goes to sleep again.
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"... it hurts."