Hopefully, there will be more to come...
So, this is the first. I have a few ideas I simply need to articulate, but we'll start with this.
Public Excess
by Jordan Judkins
"Alcohol was never really meant to go into our bodies," my high school psychology teacher explains.
So, this is the first. I have a few ideas I simply need to articulate, but we'll start with this.
Public Excess
by Jordan Judkins
"Alcohol was never really meant to go into our bodies," my high school psychology teacher explains.
Wow, what a great metaphor for society.
"This stuff is bad for you, but makes you lose control."
"Sweet, dude. Fill me up."
Alcohol.
Drugs.
Power.
Money.
Possessions.
Sex.
Alcohol.
When it comes down to it, people are just looking for an excuse.
Women are looking for an excuse to take their pants off, and men are looking for an excuse to... take women's pants off.
Get enough juice in a guy and suddenly any slut with blonde hair and a vagina is creative, understanding, smart, caring, insightful, and do-able.
Wait, what was that last one?
Insightful.
You'd think that after getting 'taken advantage of' twice, that she'd put down the bottle.
Guess the joke's on me.
Oh, but don't worry.
It will never be your fault as long as you're intoxicated.
What can I say?
We're Americans.
We like scapegoats.
A $30 parking ticket for sleeping off possible inebriation.
Geez, God, what's with all your metaphors?
It's like God doesn't want to punch me in the face with that gold ring that has the letters D U I on it, so He thinks a few slaps on the wrist might do the trick.
I've been waiting 21 years for this step in life.
...Man, I hope the rest of life isn't this disappointing, this anticlimactic.
Vodka and Red Bull: I wish you were personified...
...so I could punch you right in the face.
You'd probably have messy red hair and crooked teeth, you douche bag.
Apparently, consuming ANY alcohol that tastes like fruit instead of paint thinner makes my penis that much smaller.
"Yeah, nice bitch drink. Waiter, give me a vodka and tonic."
I'm sorry I don't cut right to the chase.
I mean, I know the house is going to burn down...
...maybe I simply want to roast marshmallows in the meantime.
I'm sorry. I'll take a drinking lesson from you.
What was I suppose to do?
No, no, AFTER drinking bad medicine and getting completely plastered in 30 minutes...
Oh, cheat on my significant other?
Then pass out on a bed waking periodically to vomit on a flower-printed ottoman?
You sure?
What was that?
Make a half-assed promise to 'never get drunk again...'?
Got it.
Thanks for the advice, you fucking retard.
Public Excess
by Jordan Judkins
"Alcohol was never really meant to go into our bodies," my high school psychology teacher explains.
So, this is the first. I have a few ideas I simply need to articulate, but we'll start with this.
Public Excess
by Jordan Judkins
"Alcohol was never really meant to go into our bodies," my high school psychology teacher explains.
Wow, what a great metaphor for society.
"This stuff is bad for you, but makes you lose control."
"Sweet, dude. Fill me up."
Alcohol.
Drugs.
Power.
Money.
Possessions.
Sex.
Alcohol.
When it comes down to it, people are just looking for an excuse.
Women are looking for an excuse to take their pants off, and men are looking for an excuse to... take women's pants off.
Get enough juice in a guy and suddenly any slut with blonde hair and a vagina is creative, understanding, smart, caring, insightful, and do-able.
Wait, what was that last one?
Insightful.
You'd think that after getting 'taken advantage of' twice, that she'd put down the bottle.
Guess the joke's on me.
Oh, but don't worry.
It will never be your fault as long as you're intoxicated.
What can I say?
We're Americans.
We like scapegoats.
A $30 parking ticket for sleeping off possible inebriation.
Geez, God, what's with all your metaphors?
It's like God doesn't want to punch me in the face with that gold ring that has the letters D U I on it, so He thinks a few slaps on the wrist might do the trick.
I've been waiting 21 years for this step in life.
...Man, I hope the rest of life isn't this disappointing, this anticlimactic.
Vodka and Red Bull: I wish you were personified...
...so I could punch you right in the face.
You'd probably have messy red hair and crooked teeth, you douche bag.
Apparently, consuming ANY alcohol that tastes like fruit instead of paint thinner makes my penis that much smaller.
"Yeah, nice bitch drink. Waiter, give me a vodka and tonic."
I'm sorry I don't cut right to the chase.
I mean, I know the house is going to burn down...
...maybe I simply want to roast marshmallows in the meantime.
I'm sorry. I'll take a drinking lesson from you.
What was I suppose to do?
No, no, AFTER drinking bad medicine and getting completely plastered in 30 minutes...
Oh, cheat on my significant other?
Then pass out on a bed waking periodically to vomit on a flower-printed ottoman?
You sure?
What was that?
Make a half-assed promise to 'never get drunk again...'?
Got it.
Thanks for the advice, you fucking retard.