they say I was taught to love you

[winchesterloved]

they say I was taught to love you
that taking care of you
             protecting you
                   giving you
everything I could give you
was conditioned into me
like dad had broken open my skull
and imprinted love sammy onto my brain
like loving you
is a disease festering in my heart

but nobody taught me
to love
fox-slanted eyes - kaleidoscopic sunflowers
puppy-pleading, glinting crinkling, exasperated-bitching
           grinning
to crave
helpless laughter, brother banter, dean on your lips
           adoring
to know
flesh torn open, baby brother blood spilt over, slick sliding
           despairing

and nobody taught me
to strain toddler arms pulling myself into your cot
to walk tiny steps placing myself in front of you
to break growing bones defending you against monsters
to run desperate trails catching you in my arms
to sell a worthless soul bringing you back from death

they say I was taught to love you
like taking care of you
            protecting you
                  giving you
everything I could give you
is dirty stupid wrong
like my life (loving you)
is a game a farce a lie
like being me
is deserting you
is loving a woman a man anyone who doesn’t know me
                                                     who doesn’t love me
                                                     whom I haven’t been taught to love

but sammy little brother sam
they don’t know
that  I wasn’t taught to love you
             I was made to love you
     stitched together to love you
moulded into shape to love you
and everything that I am
that is dirty stupid wrong
and every minute of my life
that is a game a farce a lie
is made clean
made beautiful
made right
made into art
          into truth
          into love
because I loved you
and                    you saved me