zombic_thoughts: Regret
//private//
Do I regret bringing my brother back to life? No. Never. It was the one good - and I mean good - thing in the whole business. He didn't deserve to die, and he didn't deserve to die because I had just shown up, dammit. To rescue him since he'd gone missing. And he got stabbed in the back because of me.
... so no. I don't regret bringing him back to life. He deserves to live.
Do I regret going to hell? Hell yeah I do. I mean, who wouldn't? I cried out for help. I was scared. It was bad. If nothing else, I'd left Sam to deal with this war business on his own, and you know, I suck for that. Hell, I'd no idea if he'd even made it out of that room alive, and how. Not that the 'how' is all that clear. But.
Not to mention that I then got rescued, er, lifted up. Waking up four months later, six feet under, and clueless as to how it'd happened. Branded like cattle, which I still have no idea what it means, but if I've still not been told, duh, it's not going to be anything good. No, by the looks of it, it's going to be so scary that I'm not told yet so I don't freak out, but I don't like that much more either. I mean, how can I be prepared if I've no clue what I'm dealing with? Oh right, right. Lilith. And all the host she'd bring up. Whatever. That's kind of vague enough to make me sure there's more. Branded cattle that'd being prodded. To slaughter? Maybe. Since I was given this second chance at life, I obviously owe it. Or, I'd guess, something along those lines.
Peachy.
Do I regret making the deal? As in not finding some other way to make things better, absolutely. As in, as Sam himself said, doing to him just about the same that Dad did to me? Yeah. I regret it. It was a weird mixture, looking back at it, between selfishness and selflessness. I thought it was selfless at least. You know, giving my life for his. Making sure he does live, and has a chance for... something better. He does, after all. He's the one who wanted a life other than this soldiering around, and would have got it - well ... might have. May still. Couldn't, of course, if he'd been left stabbed and all. I never truly thought about a life outside hunting. Of course, knowing Ellen and Jo, and even Tamara and Isaac, has broadened my perspective. But it's still the life of a hunter. Sam... if he is allowed to, he can have a normal life. Even with all the time that's passed. People go back to college all the time. Just, if we can somehow finish this damned war, he could go back. Or rather, he could move on. He had more to live for, or that's what I thought.
But I was also selfish. As was pointed out to me since. Not that I thought of it so at the time. Well, not that I thought too clearly at the time, but I didn't go and give away my life just so that I don't have to deal with his loss. Nor just because I thought he's stronger, he could deal with it better than me. But I'm sure that ... it must have been there. I just felt tired. I didn't think it unfair to trade my future for his - but then I got to face how he had to live with that knowledge.
It did change the way I see my choice back then. Don't know if I regret it, as such. But I... Damn. I don't ever want to be in a situation where I'll have to be tempted to do something like that, ever again.
Oh, and he douched up my car while I was missing. How can one not regret seeing that done to her?! I shouldn't have left them alone in the first place.
Do I regret bringing my brother back to life? No. Never. It was the one good - and I mean good - thing in the whole business. He didn't deserve to die, and he didn't deserve to die because I had just shown up, dammit. To rescue him since he'd gone missing. And he got stabbed in the back because of me.
... so no. I don't regret bringing him back to life. He deserves to live.
Do I regret going to hell? Hell yeah I do. I mean, who wouldn't? I cried out for help. I was scared. It was bad. If nothing else, I'd left Sam to deal with this war business on his own, and you know, I suck for that. Hell, I'd no idea if he'd even made it out of that room alive, and how. Not that the 'how' is all that clear. But.
Not to mention that I then got rescued, er, lifted up. Waking up four months later, six feet under, and clueless as to how it'd happened. Branded like cattle, which I still have no idea what it means, but if I've still not been told, duh, it's not going to be anything good. No, by the looks of it, it's going to be so scary that I'm not told yet so I don't freak out, but I don't like that much more either. I mean, how can I be prepared if I've no clue what I'm dealing with? Oh right, right. Lilith. And all the host she'd bring up. Whatever. That's kind of vague enough to make me sure there's more. Branded cattle that'd being prodded. To slaughter? Maybe. Since I was given this second chance at life, I obviously owe it. Or, I'd guess, something along those lines.
Peachy.
Do I regret making the deal? As in not finding some other way to make things better, absolutely. As in, as Sam himself said, doing to him just about the same that Dad did to me? Yeah. I regret it. It was a weird mixture, looking back at it, between selfishness and selflessness. I thought it was selfless at least. You know, giving my life for his. Making sure he does live, and has a chance for... something better. He does, after all. He's the one who wanted a life other than this soldiering around, and would have got it - well ... might have. May still. Couldn't, of course, if he'd been left stabbed and all. I never truly thought about a life outside hunting. Of course, knowing Ellen and Jo, and even Tamara and Isaac, has broadened my perspective. But it's still the life of a hunter. Sam... if he is allowed to, he can have a normal life. Even with all the time that's passed. People go back to college all the time. Just, if we can somehow finish this damned war, he could go back. Or rather, he could move on. He had more to live for, or that's what I thought.
But I was also selfish. As was pointed out to me since. Not that I thought of it so at the time. Well, not that I thought too clearly at the time, but I didn't go and give away my life just so that I don't have to deal with his loss. Nor just because I thought he's stronger, he could deal with it better than me. But I'm sure that ... it must have been there. I just felt tired. I didn't think it unfair to trade my future for his - but then I got to face how he had to live with that knowledge.
It did change the way I see my choice back then. Don't know if I regret it, as such. But I... Damn. I don't ever want to be in a situation where I'll have to be tempted to do something like that, ever again.
Oh, and he douched up my car while I was missing. How can one not regret seeing that done to her?! I shouldn't have left them alone in the first place.