RP logs: After 4x10
Logs with winchesterbitch (and notpenelope)
Sam: *just... hugs his brother tight*
Dean: *hugs back*
I told you that you didn't want to know...
Cassie: *puts her arms around him*
Sam: *sits with him, on his other side*
So I was totally right that he was worrying that Sam'd just... be... disgusted.
Sam: Except I'm not.
Dean: *just very very tense, slightly nods*
Sam: *one hand on his shoulder*
Cassie: *hugs a little tighter*
Sam: Dean, it's Hell. It's supposed ... putting you on either side of the rack, whichever. That's just another form of torture. Especially for you.
Dean: Whatever the reasons... I did it.
Sam: *just... squeezes his shoulder gently*
Dean: *quietly* Sorry.
Sam: For what? *also quietly*
Dean: *shakes head* That you get stuck with me.
Sam: *quietly* Dean, you wouldn't have gone to Hell if it wasn't for me. If anything, I should be the one who's sorry. And I am.
Dean: *shakes head, now looks at him although not enough energy to make it really... firm. Still true* You didn't make me do it. All my... all mine.
Sam: If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have been in Hell.
It's that simple.
Dean: Hey. Stop that. Please. Nobody said I wouldn't have ended there anyhoo.
Sam: You wouldn't have.
Dean: *shakes head* Don't know anymore. *sighs* But see what I meant that... you didn't want to know? And that speaking about it changes... nothing?
Sam: *looks down* I wanted to know, Dean. I want to know what happens to you, you're my brother.
Dean: *wry* And if you could, you would un-know, wouldn't you.
Sam: No.
Dean: *small sigh* I would, if I were you.
Sam: Well, you're not me. *quietly* Probably wouldn't have taken twenty years if you were.
Dean: Yeah, right. You're squeamish, Sam.
Sam: *quietly, looking down* Not that squeamish.
Dean: *shakes head* It takes more to get you started than me. Still.
Sam: *just... is quiet on that point*
Dean: *grits teeth* And now you get to live with knowing what I did, too. Sorry.
Sam: I'm not.
Dean: *just looks down*
(Cassie: *tips his head up to look at her*
Dean: *doesn't resist, but just... looks down for a bit before daring to raise his eyes to her face*
Cassie: *just.. looks at him very steady for a moment, then kisses him, soft, unafraid, unashamed*
Dean: *shuts his eyes tight and answers the kiss lightly, tears trickling out again*
Cassie: *one hand coming up to his cheek, brushing a few of the tears away, just cupping his cheek after a moment, kissing him softly*)
(at least Dean's not taking off anywhere in shame?)
(Sam would totally hunt him down and... tie him to the Impala or something. Tie him up and stuff him in the trunk.)
(... that got a part... something. Not quite a smile but an eyebrow twitch. And also thankfulness)
(*wry smile* Sam would totally do that. He's the do that guy. And probably with something like "And you're going to stay in there until you're ready to start acting like a sane person" or something)
(oh. that got Dean to go 'I didn't do quite that badly... did I?')
Sam: "If you're going to run off? Yes. Yes you did."
Dean: I'm not! It was pointed out that I'm not doing that.
Sam: Good.
Dean: *small nod*
Sam: Dean... *worries. a lot*
Dean: Yeah?
Sam: ... Nothing. *looks down, drinks his beer*
Dean: *small eyeroll* See, I didn't want you to know because I'm not proud of it. I didn't want you to know because I fucking messed up, and you didn't need to have to deal with it too. I didn't want you know because... *small helpless shrug* I cannot run away from it. Only thing I can do is keep on going. Try to ... make up for it. Even though I don't think it's possible. Trying to do that is better than otherwise.
Sam: I wanted to know because you're my brother, you jackass. Because you were in Hell because of me, and it's my fault. And if it's my fault, I have to help fix it. And I want to know... what I need to do
Dean: It's not your fault. Sammy. It just isn't. You didn't mean to get killed, you wouldn't have wanted me to make that deal, and you tried to pull me out of it, day after day after day, even when I wasn't trying myself. Not. your. fault. *quieter* You are helping. I just... I don't even know what I need to do.
Sam: Well, then, I guess we'll put that on the list of things to figure out. *wry* Right after what the hell Lilith's planning and which seals she's going to go after next
Dean: Damn straight. At least you've got the priorities straight.
Sam: *very small smile*
Dean: *nods. very very quietly* Thanks
---
(clingy Dean is clingy though he doesn't dare show it.)
(freaked out Sam is freaked the fuck out. And worried about his brother. So worried.)
Dean doesn't... he's not looking at Sam because he doesn't dare.
Because if he does...
Because he's ... he's the freak
Sam: BULLSHIT.
Dean: *looks down*
Sam: That's bullshit. You're not a freak.
Dean: What ... happened to you? You didn't choose it. What little you use it for has been either because you haven't a choice, like those dreams, or because you have something worthy to use it for. Me? I failed. I couldn't take it. So I gave it. *mouth twists in little... tics* If not a freak... at least nobody good.
Sam: You're not a freak. And you're not evil. And you are good. You do good.
Dean: *re muse letting mun go to bed* Go, go. I'll still be here, at any rate.
Sam: Yeah, you better be, or I'm gonna have to hunt you down and kick your ass.
Dean: *sighs, raises a hand and... grips his shoulder. Doesn't dare a hug, but.*
Sam: *does dare, and hugs tight*
Dean: *clings. for a moment* Go sleep.
Sam: *just... hugs his brother tight*
Dean: *hugs back*
I told you that you didn't want to know...
Cassie: *puts her arms around him*
Sam: *sits with him, on his other side*
So I was totally right that he was worrying that Sam'd just... be... disgusted.
Sam: Except I'm not.
Dean: *just very very tense, slightly nods*
Sam: *one hand on his shoulder*
Cassie: *hugs a little tighter*
Sam: Dean, it's Hell. It's supposed ... putting you on either side of the rack, whichever. That's just another form of torture. Especially for you.
Dean: Whatever the reasons... I did it.
Sam: *just... squeezes his shoulder gently*
Dean: *quietly* Sorry.
Sam: For what? *also quietly*
Dean: *shakes head* That you get stuck with me.
Sam: *quietly* Dean, you wouldn't have gone to Hell if it wasn't for me. If anything, I should be the one who's sorry. And I am.
Dean: *shakes head, now looks at him although not enough energy to make it really... firm. Still true* You didn't make me do it. All my... all mine.
Sam: If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have been in Hell.
It's that simple.
Dean: Hey. Stop that. Please. Nobody said I wouldn't have ended there anyhoo.
Sam: You wouldn't have.
Dean: *shakes head* Don't know anymore. *sighs* But see what I meant that... you didn't want to know? And that speaking about it changes... nothing?
Sam: *looks down* I wanted to know, Dean. I want to know what happens to you, you're my brother.
Dean: *wry* And if you could, you would un-know, wouldn't you.
Sam: No.
Dean: *small sigh* I would, if I were you.
Sam: Well, you're not me. *quietly* Probably wouldn't have taken twenty years if you were.
Dean: Yeah, right. You're squeamish, Sam.
Sam: *quietly, looking down* Not that squeamish.
Dean: *shakes head* It takes more to get you started than me. Still.
Sam: *just... is quiet on that point*
Dean: *grits teeth* And now you get to live with knowing what I did, too. Sorry.
Sam: I'm not.
Dean: *just looks down*
(Cassie: *tips his head up to look at her*
Dean: *doesn't resist, but just... looks down for a bit before daring to raise his eyes to her face*
Cassie: *just.. looks at him very steady for a moment, then kisses him, soft, unafraid, unashamed*
Dean: *shuts his eyes tight and answers the kiss lightly, tears trickling out again*
Cassie: *one hand coming up to his cheek, brushing a few of the tears away, just cupping his cheek after a moment, kissing him softly*)
(at least Dean's not taking off anywhere in shame?)
(Sam would totally hunt him down and... tie him to the Impala or something. Tie him up and stuff him in the trunk.)
(... that got a part... something. Not quite a smile but an eyebrow twitch. And also thankfulness)
(*wry smile* Sam would totally do that. He's the do that guy. And probably with something like "And you're going to stay in there until you're ready to start acting like a sane person" or something)
(oh. that got Dean to go 'I didn't do quite that badly... did I?')
Sam: "If you're going to run off? Yes. Yes you did."
Dean: I'm not! It was pointed out that I'm not doing that.
Sam: Good.
Dean: *small nod*
Sam: Dean... *worries. a lot*
Dean: Yeah?
Sam: ... Nothing. *looks down, drinks his beer*
Dean: *small eyeroll* See, I didn't want you to know because I'm not proud of it. I didn't want you to know because I fucking messed up, and you didn't need to have to deal with it too. I didn't want you know because... *small helpless shrug* I cannot run away from it. Only thing I can do is keep on going. Try to ... make up for it. Even though I don't think it's possible. Trying to do that is better than otherwise.
Sam: I wanted to know because you're my brother, you jackass. Because you were in Hell because of me, and it's my fault. And if it's my fault, I have to help fix it. And I want to know... what I need to do
Dean: It's not your fault. Sammy. It just isn't. You didn't mean to get killed, you wouldn't have wanted me to make that deal, and you tried to pull me out of it, day after day after day, even when I wasn't trying myself. Not. your. fault. *quieter* You are helping. I just... I don't even know what I need to do.
Sam: Well, then, I guess we'll put that on the list of things to figure out. *wry* Right after what the hell Lilith's planning and which seals she's going to go after next
Dean: Damn straight. At least you've got the priorities straight.
Sam: *very small smile*
Dean: *nods. very very quietly* Thanks
---
(clingy Dean is clingy though he doesn't dare show it.)
(freaked out Sam is freaked the fuck out. And worried about his brother. So worried.)
Dean doesn't... he's not looking at Sam because he doesn't dare.
Because if he does...
Because he's ... he's the freak
Sam: BULLSHIT.
Dean: *looks down*
Sam: That's bullshit. You're not a freak.
Dean: What ... happened to you? You didn't choose it. What little you use it for has been either because you haven't a choice, like those dreams, or because you have something worthy to use it for. Me? I failed. I couldn't take it. So I gave it. *mouth twists in little... tics* If not a freak... at least nobody good.
Sam: You're not a freak. And you're not evil. And you are good. You do good.
Dean: *re muse letting mun go to bed* Go, go. I'll still be here, at any rate.
Sam: Yeah, you better be, or I'm gonna have to hunt you down and kick your ass.
Dean: *sighs, raises a hand and... grips his shoulder. Doesn't dare a hug, but.*
Sam: *does dare, and hugs tight*
Dean: *clings. for a moment* Go sleep.