Turning 50
So, today I turned 50 years old. In AARP's eyes, I am now a senior citizen. Wow - I'm speechless.
I have been, not surprisingly, in a very contemplative, thoughtful and introspective mood over the past couple of days. What does 50 mean to me? Where have I been - where am I at now - and where am I going?
One of the most amazing things to me is that I'm still here. Seriously. I tested HIV+ 22 years ago just before I turned 28. At that time, my friends were dying left and right and I was told that I probably wouldn't live to see 30. Who knew that I would end up being asymptomatic for 22 years? Long-term nonprogressor is the term that was used for many years. Now, the new label is Elite HIV. I remember when I finally realized, in my late 30s, that I wasn't going to die anytime soon from this disease, how difficult it was. After spending so many years waiting for the symptoms to come, because they always did eventually, and begin the process of dieing. It was imperative in those days to accept the fact that you were going to die soon. There was nothing out there that gave any other viable option. So when I realized that I was going to live, it was a big deal emotionally. It took some time to reprogram myself to think about growing older, retiring, going gray, outliving my parents. And here I am at 50 - still kicking, still healthy overall.
Being single at 50. Another big one. It's been over 2 years since Karl and I broke up. I still feel like I'm finding my way, still feeling like I'm trying to figure out what I like, what I don't, what I want to do with my life. I'm really hoping that the new job I'm at will turn out to be a longtime position, where I can have it just be a job, doing the best I can, but not letting it consume me like other jobs have. Being single today for me means re-learning what I like to do for leisure. Over the past 2 years, I have had to work 2, 3 and sometimes 4 jobs in order to make ends meet, after being financially strapped after Karl left. By the end of July, I will be down to just 2 jobs - my full time job at the university and a part-time 4 hours per week job doing communications and web stuff for a non-profit organization. While I'm excited about the possibilities that free time can allow, I also know I need to be careful about how I use my time. Chorus will keep me busy, as I've just taken on the Presidency for another year and will continue to be the coordinator for our 2008 GALA trip to Miami. But other than that, it has been so long since I've been in a position to be selfish with my time and do things for myself. The scary thing is really not knowing what it is I like and/or want to do. That will be a priority for me over the next several months.
Finally, health and fitness have been on my mind alot lately. I know that my recent sciatica flare-up, which has been active for over 6 weeks now (but getting better finally), plays a part in this, but I also really think that I'm finally ready to look at my health and fitness seriously. I've hovered at this 270-280 weight for the past severl years, and I'm not comfortable being this weight. I know that the flus and colds I get in the winter could be much less if I were in better health. It would be great to be able to discontinue taking some of my meds for blood pressure, cholesterol, allergies, stomach problems, all of which are exacerbated by my weight. Another priority for the coming year.
So, tonight I'm going to some friends in nearby Sun Prairie for dinner with a couple of close friends. It is good to have friends. Friendships are very difficult for me and have always been. I've never been good at keeping up with friendships. But interestingly, I feel like I need them more now than I have felt like I needed them in the past. Bruinwi can attest to how difficult it is for me to reach out to people.
I think I'm going to allow myself to kind of sit back and let the emotions happen. There is so much going on in my head besides what I've rambled about here. I do have much to be thankful for as I turn 50. I'm glad that I can say that and mean it. It's been a long time coming.
I have been, not surprisingly, in a very contemplative, thoughtful and introspective mood over the past couple of days. What does 50 mean to me? Where have I been - where am I at now - and where am I going?
One of the most amazing things to me is that I'm still here. Seriously. I tested HIV+ 22 years ago just before I turned 28. At that time, my friends were dying left and right and I was told that I probably wouldn't live to see 30. Who knew that I would end up being asymptomatic for 22 years? Long-term nonprogressor is the term that was used for many years. Now, the new label is Elite HIV. I remember when I finally realized, in my late 30s, that I wasn't going to die anytime soon from this disease, how difficult it was. After spending so many years waiting for the symptoms to come, because they always did eventually, and begin the process of dieing. It was imperative in those days to accept the fact that you were going to die soon. There was nothing out there that gave any other viable option. So when I realized that I was going to live, it was a big deal emotionally. It took some time to reprogram myself to think about growing older, retiring, going gray, outliving my parents. And here I am at 50 - still kicking, still healthy overall.
Being single at 50. Another big one. It's been over 2 years since Karl and I broke up. I still feel like I'm finding my way, still feeling like I'm trying to figure out what I like, what I don't, what I want to do with my life. I'm really hoping that the new job I'm at will turn out to be a longtime position, where I can have it just be a job, doing the best I can, but not letting it consume me like other jobs have. Being single today for me means re-learning what I like to do for leisure. Over the past 2 years, I have had to work 2, 3 and sometimes 4 jobs in order to make ends meet, after being financially strapped after Karl left. By the end of July, I will be down to just 2 jobs - my full time job at the university and a part-time 4 hours per week job doing communications and web stuff for a non-profit organization. While I'm excited about the possibilities that free time can allow, I also know I need to be careful about how I use my time. Chorus will keep me busy, as I've just taken on the Presidency for another year and will continue to be the coordinator for our 2008 GALA trip to Miami. But other than that, it has been so long since I've been in a position to be selfish with my time and do things for myself. The scary thing is really not knowing what it is I like and/or want to do. That will be a priority for me over the next several months.
Finally, health and fitness have been on my mind alot lately. I know that my recent sciatica flare-up, which has been active for over 6 weeks now (but getting better finally), plays a part in this, but I also really think that I'm finally ready to look at my health and fitness seriously. I've hovered at this 270-280 weight for the past severl years, and I'm not comfortable being this weight. I know that the flus and colds I get in the winter could be much less if I were in better health. It would be great to be able to discontinue taking some of my meds for blood pressure, cholesterol, allergies, stomach problems, all of which are exacerbated by my weight. Another priority for the coming year.
So, tonight I'm going to some friends in nearby Sun Prairie for dinner with a couple of close friends. It is good to have friends. Friendships are very difficult for me and have always been. I've never been good at keeping up with friendships. But interestingly, I feel like I need them more now than I have felt like I needed them in the past. Bruinwi can attest to how difficult it is for me to reach out to people.
I think I'm going to allow myself to kind of sit back and let the emotions happen. There is so much going on in my head besides what I've rambled about here. I do have much to be thankful for as I turn 50. I'm glad that I can say that and mean it. It's been a long time coming.