Huh. Well, there you go.
Alright people, buckle up.
This is about as honest and revealing and personal as I get. It doesn't happen often, so... don't worry, you won't have to deal with this again. Probably. This is your final warning, TMI emotional revealing crap. Don't look if you can't deal with it.
I have a whole lot of shit to say and it's mostly stuff in my head I'm trying to get out, so I don't promise it will be in any kind of linear order, or even make sense, just... go with it.
So. I am bisexual.
Yeah, no kidding! I hear a lot of people say.
It probably comes as no surprise to those who know or follow me online. Especially given all the women I drool over and fantasise about, and all the f/f smut I write/read. And the fact that, in any fandom I've ever been in, since I can remember, way back to Punky Brewster, I can point out half a dozen women characters I like/love/lust over, but rarely take the time to notice the guys (although, sometimes I do, Jayne Cobb).
But, that said, I am an incredibly private and internalised person in real life. The side I show online is NOT who I seem to be in person.
It took me until a few months ago to even admit this to myself. I mean, sure, I knew... I always *knew*, but I kept it so deeply fucking buried that I never really admitted it or even identified myself as bisexual. No, no, I am a straight woman that does nothing but fantasise about other women... and their bodies... and what they look like naked... and how they would look naked riding my fingers.
That's normal, right?
And I will be the first person to advocate for equality and acceptance amongst all the sexualities, to loudly encourage all to accept themselves and be proud and, well, to everyone but myself.
While it is a big thing for me to come out - to myself - and now online. I've never said it before. I know, I know in my heart, that I will probably never come out to my family and/or friends. I just... won't. At this point in time, I can't. I just... can't.
I thought, maybe, the other day when I was having dinner with my sister and we were drinking cocktails and talking, maybe this would be it, maybe I could tell her, it's been so long and things have changed and we're closer now... and then somehow the subject of people I used to know came up and she said "she's not the one we thought you were lesbians with, is it?" with THAT expression and THAT tone of voice and, I swear it, I could feel the walls just slam right back up. Brick by fucking brick. No way, no how, not happening. Fuck you.
And now she wants to sign me up to dating sites and speed dating sessions to find me a man. Well, no, fuck you very much.
When I was thirteen, my sister had a sleepover with her friends which... being that she was only 13 months older than me and in the same grade, turned out to be a bunch of girls I went to school with (though not necessarily my friends, I was always the awkward non-social outcast)... and we were all talking and playing truth or dare, which then turned into some sort of Jacqui witch hunt and forcing me to admit which guy I liked at school. This was a big thing, because up to this point I had never vocalised any sort of attraction to anyone. Yeah, I knew how to fake it and name some guy from the most popular tv show if anyone asked about a crush, because I knew even then that no other young girl was talking about the crushes THEY had on the tv girls, so I would spout names. But... this... this was different... and I felt it and they felt it... and I realise now it was a form of bullying, but I had no defenses then. I pretty much said the name of some cute guy that was popular that a lot of the girls liked, which was accepted by the group with laughter (of the "ha, right, like SHE ever has a chance" variety), but they were sated.
And I? I cried. In the middle of a group of young teenage girl hunters, I cried. Like fully broke down into sobbing tears. I couldn't have explained it then, but I know now how awful I felt, because I had just been bullied, by the insatiable teen girl group need to ostracise and diminish and punish THE OTHER. I guess it was hammered home to me that night that I was THE OTHER and that to survive I had to hide it. That it was wrong to be THE OTHER.
It was this sense of ostracism and shame and inexplicable confusion, I guess, that led me to fall into the trap I fell into at sixteen. I am not going to rehash that, except to say that it broke me. A lot. Irrepairably. Emotionally and psychologically, I still feel the after effects of that. I don't trust people. I am scared, fully completely irrationally scared of trusting people and getting hurt. I was left with the unbreakable knowledge that I was wrong and unlovable and noone, NOONE would or could ever love a thing like me.
Which is probably why I stayed away from anyone and everyone until I was in my twenties.
There was a dalliance with another girl, that never really went anywhere. It could have. I think we could have been good together. But I was hesitant and scared and she pushed. She pushes so freaking hard that I had no recourse but to run.
Because I had had no partners at this point, and was going to a university wherein I joined the student union and went to protests about women's rights and became the women's officer and had actual friends (something I had not had, really, to this point) that were mostly girls... my family began a very big "Is Jacqui a lesbian?" campaign. And not a nice one. Not one that made me feel in any way that it would be acceptable if the answer was 'yes' or even 'maybe'.
And then Anthony. At this point, I guess, I was so shattered in self confidence that I felt this was my only option. I could finally talk about relationships with my family. Yes, I like a guy. Look, I'm going out with a guy. It's socially acceptable. Get the fuck off my back.
And, yes, we ALL know how well that turned out. But I have to interject at this point to say that it wasn't at all a bad relationship. Yes, he fucked up. And yes, he was careless with my emotions and didn't appreciate me the way he could have. But he was nice and he meant well and, sometimes even the sex was good. Not all the time, I never really was satisfied the way I knew happened - given how much everyone else talked about it. But that was more to do with the fact that we were both subs of the subbiest variety and he rarely if ever could get forceful the way I wanted. I pretty much led that area and that is not what I want.
So, yes, I still like guys. I really like the idea of male/female sex. It's hot. But I also like girls. And female/female sex is hot, too.
Which is part of my current confusion. I guess. Because, I really have only ever had one sexual relationship in my life (and NO, I don't count what happened to me at sixteen as part of my sexual experience, I don't, I never will). A heterosexual one. So... I'm wondering... how the fuck can I be sure? Really? Can I really just pull this label out of a hat and say I'm bi?
But, honestly, the amount of women I drool over, I can no longer really say I'm straight and I don't even want to anymore.
Which leads me to being attacked by lesbians online. I mean, what?
Yes, I wrote a f/f fic... in which one of the characters then slept with a guy. Well, I'm sorry, but a) that's kinda what the fic called for at the time and I am the writer, so calm the fuck down, because I write what I want. and b) the character in question, in fact BOTH female characters in question are canonically hetero, have only ever been shown to have male partners, so no, I am not marginalising lesbianism as a whole, I am sticking to canon wherein SHE SLEPT WITH A MAN SHE HAD BEGUN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ON THE ACTUAL SHOW.
Apparently, sticking a dick in a straight character is anti-lesbian and I am pushing a hetero agenda.
Which makes me wonder if I really want to out myself and be grouped with such strong, anti-hetero, anti-sanity type people. AND YES, I get that they are a small minority of people in fandom and in life in general, but still.
What confuses me the most, what makes me wonder why I'm even putting myself through this shit right now, losing sleep and sanity over it... is the fact that, given my current situation and where I am (single mother, ex-wife, incapable of handling life in general, let alone be in control of it, barely healing, physically run down, shit load of emotional/physical/health problems, scarred, every single inch of me purely unattractive), I doubt I will ever need to worry about defining my sexuality. There is no person alive, man or woman, that is going to be attracted to me.
So, identifying with straight or bisexual, doesn't really matter if I'm never going to have another partner again.
So... anyway, I think that's about it. I am bi. I have always been bi. I am coming out online. But not in real life, because I am a scared ass whimp.
How's your day?
This is about as honest and revealing and personal as I get. It doesn't happen often, so... don't worry, you won't have to deal with this again. Probably. This is your final warning, TMI emotional revealing crap. Don't look if you can't deal with it.
I have a whole lot of shit to say and it's mostly stuff in my head I'm trying to get out, so I don't promise it will be in any kind of linear order, or even make sense, just... go with it.
So. I am bisexual.
Yeah, no kidding! I hear a lot of people say.
It probably comes as no surprise to those who know or follow me online. Especially given all the women I drool over and fantasise about, and all the f/f smut I write/read. And the fact that, in any fandom I've ever been in, since I can remember, way back to Punky Brewster, I can point out half a dozen women characters I like/love/lust over, but rarely take the time to notice the guys (although, sometimes I do, Jayne Cobb).
But, that said, I am an incredibly private and internalised person in real life. The side I show online is NOT who I seem to be in person.
It took me until a few months ago to even admit this to myself. I mean, sure, I knew... I always *knew*, but I kept it so deeply fucking buried that I never really admitted it or even identified myself as bisexual. No, no, I am a straight woman that does nothing but fantasise about other women... and their bodies... and what they look like naked... and how they would look naked riding my fingers.
That's normal, right?
And I will be the first person to advocate for equality and acceptance amongst all the sexualities, to loudly encourage all to accept themselves and be proud and, well, to everyone but myself.
While it is a big thing for me to come out - to myself - and now online. I've never said it before. I know, I know in my heart, that I will probably never come out to my family and/or friends. I just... won't. At this point in time, I can't. I just... can't.
I thought, maybe, the other day when I was having dinner with my sister and we were drinking cocktails and talking, maybe this would be it, maybe I could tell her, it's been so long and things have changed and we're closer now... and then somehow the subject of people I used to know came up and she said "she's not the one we thought you were lesbians with, is it?" with THAT expression and THAT tone of voice and, I swear it, I could feel the walls just slam right back up. Brick by fucking brick. No way, no how, not happening. Fuck you.
And now she wants to sign me up to dating sites and speed dating sessions to find me a man. Well, no, fuck you very much.
When I was thirteen, my sister had a sleepover with her friends which... being that she was only 13 months older than me and in the same grade, turned out to be a bunch of girls I went to school with (though not necessarily my friends, I was always the awkward non-social outcast)... and we were all talking and playing truth or dare, which then turned into some sort of Jacqui witch hunt and forcing me to admit which guy I liked at school. This was a big thing, because up to this point I had never vocalised any sort of attraction to anyone. Yeah, I knew how to fake it and name some guy from the most popular tv show if anyone asked about a crush, because I knew even then that no other young girl was talking about the crushes THEY had on the tv girls, so I would spout names. But... this... this was different... and I felt it and they felt it... and I realise now it was a form of bullying, but I had no defenses then. I pretty much said the name of some cute guy that was popular that a lot of the girls liked, which was accepted by the group with laughter (of the "ha, right, like SHE ever has a chance" variety), but they were sated.
And I? I cried. In the middle of a group of young teenage girl hunters, I cried. Like fully broke down into sobbing tears. I couldn't have explained it then, but I know now how awful I felt, because I had just been bullied, by the insatiable teen girl group need to ostracise and diminish and punish THE OTHER. I guess it was hammered home to me that night that I was THE OTHER and that to survive I had to hide it. That it was wrong to be THE OTHER.
It was this sense of ostracism and shame and inexplicable confusion, I guess, that led me to fall into the trap I fell into at sixteen. I am not going to rehash that, except to say that it broke me. A lot. Irrepairably. Emotionally and psychologically, I still feel the after effects of that. I don't trust people. I am scared, fully completely irrationally scared of trusting people and getting hurt. I was left with the unbreakable knowledge that I was wrong and unlovable and noone, NOONE would or could ever love a thing like me.
Which is probably why I stayed away from anyone and everyone until I was in my twenties.
There was a dalliance with another girl, that never really went anywhere. It could have. I think we could have been good together. But I was hesitant and scared and she pushed. She pushes so freaking hard that I had no recourse but to run.
Because I had had no partners at this point, and was going to a university wherein I joined the student union and went to protests about women's rights and became the women's officer and had actual friends (something I had not had, really, to this point) that were mostly girls... my family began a very big "Is Jacqui a lesbian?" campaign. And not a nice one. Not one that made me feel in any way that it would be acceptable if the answer was 'yes' or even 'maybe'.
And then Anthony. At this point, I guess, I was so shattered in self confidence that I felt this was my only option. I could finally talk about relationships with my family. Yes, I like a guy. Look, I'm going out with a guy. It's socially acceptable. Get the fuck off my back.
And, yes, we ALL know how well that turned out. But I have to interject at this point to say that it wasn't at all a bad relationship. Yes, he fucked up. And yes, he was careless with my emotions and didn't appreciate me the way he could have. But he was nice and he meant well and, sometimes even the sex was good. Not all the time, I never really was satisfied the way I knew happened - given how much everyone else talked about it. But that was more to do with the fact that we were both subs of the subbiest variety and he rarely if ever could get forceful the way I wanted. I pretty much led that area and that is not what I want.
So, yes, I still like guys. I really like the idea of male/female sex. It's hot. But I also like girls. And female/female sex is hot, too.
Which is part of my current confusion. I guess. Because, I really have only ever had one sexual relationship in my life (and NO, I don't count what happened to me at sixteen as part of my sexual experience, I don't, I never will). A heterosexual one. So... I'm wondering... how the fuck can I be sure? Really? Can I really just pull this label out of a hat and say I'm bi?
But, honestly, the amount of women I drool over, I can no longer really say I'm straight and I don't even want to anymore.
Which leads me to being attacked by lesbians online. I mean, what?
Yes, I wrote a f/f fic... in which one of the characters then slept with a guy. Well, I'm sorry, but a) that's kinda what the fic called for at the time and I am the writer, so calm the fuck down, because I write what I want. and b) the character in question, in fact BOTH female characters in question are canonically hetero, have only ever been shown to have male partners, so no, I am not marginalising lesbianism as a whole, I am sticking to canon wherein SHE SLEPT WITH A MAN SHE HAD BEGUN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ON THE ACTUAL SHOW.
Apparently, sticking a dick in a straight character is anti-lesbian and I am pushing a hetero agenda.
Which makes me wonder if I really want to out myself and be grouped with such strong, anti-hetero, anti-sanity type people. AND YES, I get that they are a small minority of people in fandom and in life in general, but still.
What confuses me the most, what makes me wonder why I'm even putting myself through this shit right now, losing sleep and sanity over it... is the fact that, given my current situation and where I am (single mother, ex-wife, incapable of handling life in general, let alone be in control of it, barely healing, physically run down, shit load of emotional/physical/health problems, scarred, every single inch of me purely unattractive), I doubt I will ever need to worry about defining my sexuality. There is no person alive, man or woman, that is going to be attracted to me.
So, identifying with straight or bisexual, doesn't really matter if I'm never going to have another partner again.
So... anyway, I think that's about it. I am bi. I have always been bi. I am coming out online. But not in real life, because I am a scared ass whimp.
How's your day?