slow motion tears fall
i see no reason to be awake, breathing or alive. taking up space, oxygen, food or water. has anyone else ever felt this way or am i all alone again?
i had this dream in which i point a loaded gun at mr.felix. i tell mr.felix how much i hate him for likeing every female he wants to 'just be friends with'. i tell him i hate him for not seeing how much i care. how many times it has been me comforting, how many times it has been me protecting, guiding, cuddling. how many times i have praised him. how many times i have said i love your singing, playing, artwork. how many times i have said. how sexy you are today, how attractive, how hot. how many times i have said i love you. how many times i have comforted you in your sleep. how many times i have lied for you, knowing later i'd feel guilty for it. how many plans i've cancelled, how many people blown off, how many times myself has been compromised. and then i break down in tears and say, and if i loved me, i'd kill you, but i love you. and i place the cold metal in my mouth. even in the dream i could taste the copper. and the trigger is pulled. suddenly i can see the entire scene as if from somewhere else. and i see my body laying there. and from this angle everything looks fine. the gun off to my side. smoke drifting slowly from my slightly parted lips. but behind my head is a spray of blood, hair, and grey matter. and suddenly ms.clone of a clone is there with mr.felix. and mr.felix laughs and dips ms. gorgeous gymnist and kisses her deeply. and then he looks up again at my still, unbreathing body and laughs again, eyes malicious. i love you mr.malicious eyes.
i am alone again. and when i lash, it isn't of hatred, but of hurt, and i can't help it, i can't save myself...and i hate myself...more than any other emotion, more than the love for mr.felix, there is the hatred for myself for not getting over him.
i don't need comments on this one. *lights her 12th cigarette for the day* 12:37
"lord send me an angel, from the heavens above"
here i am watching these tears again, in slow motion hit the keyboard. drip, splatter.
i had this dream in which i point a loaded gun at mr.felix. i tell mr.felix how much i hate him for likeing every female he wants to 'just be friends with'. i tell him i hate him for not seeing how much i care. how many times it has been me comforting, how many times it has been me protecting, guiding, cuddling. how many times i have praised him. how many times i have said i love your singing, playing, artwork. how many times i have said. how sexy you are today, how attractive, how hot. how many times i have said i love you. how many times i have comforted you in your sleep. how many times i have lied for you, knowing later i'd feel guilty for it. how many plans i've cancelled, how many people blown off, how many times myself has been compromised. and then i break down in tears and say, and if i loved me, i'd kill you, but i love you. and i place the cold metal in my mouth. even in the dream i could taste the copper. and the trigger is pulled. suddenly i can see the entire scene as if from somewhere else. and i see my body laying there. and from this angle everything looks fine. the gun off to my side. smoke drifting slowly from my slightly parted lips. but behind my head is a spray of blood, hair, and grey matter. and suddenly ms.clone of a clone is there with mr.felix. and mr.felix laughs and dips ms. gorgeous gymnist and kisses her deeply. and then he looks up again at my still, unbreathing body and laughs again, eyes malicious. i love you mr.malicious eyes.
i am alone again. and when i lash, it isn't of hatred, but of hurt, and i can't help it, i can't save myself...and i hate myself...more than any other emotion, more than the love for mr.felix, there is the hatred for myself for not getting over him.
i don't need comments on this one. *lights her 12th cigarette for the day* 12:37
"lord send me an angel, from the heavens above"
here i am watching these tears again, in slow motion hit the keyboard. drip, splatter.