Five Years
I don't know who reads this anymore but I needed to just... let it out I guess.
Today, October 20th 2008 is five years since my grandpa passed away. And I don't really know what to say about that. Five years. That's a long fucking time. But I don't feel it. But at the same time I do.
When I think about missing him and it hurting I feel like the scared depressed little girl I was five years ago. The girl who would come home from school, cut herself, and go to sleep. And thinking about him missing makes me feel like I'm still a mess like that. And it makes me feel really disappointed in myself and feel like that's still who I am...
But that's not who I am... and I don't know what to say about that.
And then I think I don't know who I am but I feel like I'm really close to figuring out who I am...
My head's messy right now. I don't know how I'm feeling and that's weird.
But I really miss him and I really hurt. It's strangely comforting that Mykolai's grandma died the same day as my grandpa (except in 2007 not 2008).
I don't know what I'm saying. I felt fine all day. Then I got home from work and felt like a big disappointing mess that my grandpa would have hated and i cried till Katie, Matt, Josh, and Natalie knocked on my door and invited me to hang out with them in the common room.
I am eternally grateful for people who are kind to me when I need them. Even if they don't know I need them I am eternally grateful.
I'm not a mess. I know I'm not. So why do I still feel like one?
Today, October 20th 2008 is five years since my grandpa passed away. And I don't really know what to say about that. Five years. That's a long fucking time. But I don't feel it. But at the same time I do.
When I think about missing him and it hurting I feel like the scared depressed little girl I was five years ago. The girl who would come home from school, cut herself, and go to sleep. And thinking about him missing makes me feel like I'm still a mess like that. And it makes me feel really disappointed in myself and feel like that's still who I am...
But that's not who I am... and I don't know what to say about that.
And then I think I don't know who I am but I feel like I'm really close to figuring out who I am...
My head's messy right now. I don't know how I'm feeling and that's weird.
But I really miss him and I really hurt. It's strangely comforting that Mykolai's grandma died the same day as my grandpa (except in 2007 not 2008).
I don't know what I'm saying. I felt fine all day. Then I got home from work and felt like a big disappointing mess that my grandpa would have hated and i cried till Katie, Matt, Josh, and Natalie knocked on my door and invited me to hang out with them in the common room.
I am eternally grateful for people who are kind to me when I need them. Even if they don't know I need them I am eternally grateful.
I'm not a mess. I know I'm not. So why do I still feel like one?