wilsonlicious, over a decade later…
Hey there - it’s been a while, hasn’t it?
I wanted to give an update, since I… kind of dropped off the face of the earth for a bit. Well, the good news is that I’m still alive. The even better news is that after well over a month of struggling with LJ support, I’m actually able to access this account again! I’m posting this in October 2024 (I posted this originally on a backup account last week); my last post on here was from March 2011. A lot of stuff has happened over the last thirteen years (!!), but I figured I should give an explanation and some major highlights.
(One quick note before I start: I posted a very abridged version of this letter on my old dA account a few weeks ago. This update will go into a bit more depth, since LJ is more or less abandoned and I’m not as nervous about getting tracked down on here - more about that later.)
I must’ve made the switch to tumblr sometime in 2010/11-ish? I’m not sure why I wouldn’t have shared that on here or on my dA account (which I actually managed to access again pretty recently, holy shit). Maybe I did and just don’t remember? I don’t know. I know I was following some of you guys on there, so I must’ve said something, right? I really just don’t know at this point - a lot of my memories from that time are pretty fuzzy. I’ve had… probably six (?) different accounts on there, including one that I’m currently using under a totally new pseudonym just so I can post archival BL content without having it tied to anything else.
I ended up moving over to AO3 for my fics in 2012, but I never reposted my old works there. It would’ve taken me a long time to edit them all and sort through what would’ve been worth keeping, and I ultimately didn’t think it would be worth it since my old stuff still comes up when you Google Enzai, haha.
In mid-2011, I was about to start my senior year of high school and got into a relationship with someone I really shouldn’t have; we were together for about nine months of absolute hell. I won’t get too much into the details here, but this person put me through so much that I ended up with a PTSD diagnosis. I was slowly isolated from almost all of my irl friends, and I was barely sleeping at all due to constant stress. Basically the only thing that got me through this was the handful of people I was able to keep in contact with online in secret and my two closest irl friends who knew the details of my situation and managed to get me out of this mess.
Despite the eventual breakup, the nightmare didn’t really end. I was cyberstalked by my ex and their friend group for a few years afterwards; I was probably midway through college by the time it finally stopped, or at least that was when they had stopped being quite so obvious about it. I was relieved, but I still didn’t feel safe enough to return to any of my old accounts - I just abandoned them and started over out of anxiety that the torment would begin anew. (To tell the truth… it’s still exceptionally scary even now for me to be posting this update - that fear ate away at me for a very long time.)
The other reason I felt like I needed a clean slate was that my old name was attached to these accounts. I transitioned almost as soon as I made it to college - surprise, I guess? Since then, I’ve had my name and gender legally changed and even had top surgery. I’m feeling a lot better about myself these days, which has been really… really nice. So yeah, you can call me Ollie (he/him) these days.
What else have I been up to? Well, I made it through high school and graduated college. I met my now fiancée during undergrad and we’ve been together for eight and a half years at the time of this post (wow, omg). I got my driver's license after swearing I never would, mainly because we live in the middle of nowhere and needed to be able to go places. My doctor realized that I’m actually disabled after a long, long history of medical mysteries (remember how often I’d complain about my back hurting?); I somehow made it through the pandemic completely healthy and I’m still COVID-free to this day which is something, at least. I finally own a yaoi paddle, if you’d believe that, lol. I’ve had a lot of weird jobs over the years and I’m currently looking for something that pays a little better so we can save up for an eventual house and wedding. I turned 30 (!!) in February, which I really didn’t ever think would happen when I was a teenager.
I still write pretty often - my current AO3 username is FrushCrush, if that sort of thing still interests you, though I don’t really write for the fandoms you knew me for on here. (…But I did actually write a new Enzai piece quite recently, so there’s that? It’ll be posted at the end of October, if you’re interested. I might actually write more too?) I still cosplay and go to conventions basically every year, and I’m even planning a few cosplay meetups for 2025. I still stay up way too late playing BL games on my computer, though now I’m not alone when I do.
To my old Enzai friends - Die-Oh and teira_chan: I still think about you guys a lot. Like, a lot a lot, like I talk about you to my fiancée all the time. I’m writing this update primarily for you, if I’m being honest. I don’t know if you guys have moved on from BL or not, but my god every time I hear that soundtrack I think about all the conversations we had together. Having you as friends made me so happy, especially during a time when I didn’t have much joy in my life.
Don’t believe me? Below is a screenshot of my old dA about page - boomerlover11 was my irl best friend’s username, so yeah… you guys truly meant the world to me.
I finally got a copy of the Enzai Fan Disc (the one with Lusca holding a heart on the cover, I’m sure you know the one) a few months ago and the first thing I said to myself when I opened it was “man, I wish I could share it with them.” So here I am, letting you know.
I recently reconnected with Mars (FKA KittyMaria) - we both miss you two a lot and hope that you’re still out there somewhere. We’d really love to hear from you again someday.
I think you guys ended up disappearing, too - I hit a lot of dead ends and deactivated usernames every time I tried to check. It’s possible that you just started over like I did, just picked a new name that suited you better and went on with your lives. I really hope you’re still alive out there, but at this point I just don’t know. Even if you are alive, I don’t know if you’ll ever read this. I don’t know if I’ll ever know. I just know that I miss you all the time. I want to know you’re okay, and I want to know all about how your life has been since the last time we spoke. I’m posting this in case one day you do the same thing that I do and look through your old accounts to see if you can figure out what ever happened to the internet friends you once knew.
I’m really sorry that I fell out of touch with you guys all those years ago - it’s one of my biggest regrets. If you’d like to reconnect, please get in touch with me, even if you’re seeing this a few years (or more) from now. I screen all of my comments on AO3, so you can even reach out to me there. (I hate to even have to write this, but you can also contact me if you know that someone didn’t make it, just so I can have even a little bit of closure. I’m so fucking terrified about this that I’ve put off asking for a long, long time. It’ll break my heart to find out if they’re gone for good. I don’t want it to be true, but I need to know.) I still live in the northeast, so if you go to conventions out this way it’s very possible that you’ll run into me - just keep an eye out for a thirty-something guy with a cane who still dares to cosplay BL in public, haha.
Sending all of my love, a gigantic glomp, and a poke to you all - thank you for everything.
- Ollie (FKA wilsonlicious) ♡☆
October 7, 2024