Vengeance is mine, or is it? - BtVS (Anya)
Vengeance is mine, or is it?
The actual extent of what I was doing didn’t really hit me until it was far too late.
Until their dying, piercing screams filled the morning air, until their crimson blood drenched my skin and seeped in to my hair and clothes, and scarred me with their deaths for eternity.
And the young girl, whose wish I had supposedly granted, screamed out in fear and confusion, and all that could be heard was her nervous babbling as she cowardly retreated into the cupboard.
But by then, by the time the full extent of it had knocked me flying into the pits of guilt, it was far too late.
And all that was left was the dull, life-less eyes of death watching me, haunting me as the boys lay there, puddled in blood, gaping holes in their chests.
But what I didn’t even consider at first, was all of the other people, the people who had nothing to do with the so called wish I had granted, the people who were very much innocent, that the demon I brought forth may have hurt or killed.
Hell, I never even realised that the demon had escaped from the fraternity house, or so I had thought, until it was too late, and it was probably long gone.
But even with all of this, all that I could think and say was ‘What have I done?’ even though it was deadly clear.
When the girl had first told me what they’d done to her I was immediately filled with a familiar burning rage. Those guys had used her as part of there silly little game, she meant nothing to them, or him, the one who pretended he liked her. She was simply a means to an end.
Sometimes I find myself wondering the same thing about Xander, arguing with myself about whether or not he ever did truly love me, and often I’m not sure he really did.
Because if he had of, he would have married me wouldn’t he? Isn’t that what two people do when they’re in love? Get married? I’m sure that’s how it’s supposed to work; I’ve read about it:
Boy meets girl.
Boy loves girl.
Boy asks girl to marry him.
Girl says yes.
Boy and girl get married.
It’s quite simply really. They then move on to live happily ever after, with children and pets and a huge house and lots of money.
I mean if he had of really loved me, he wouldn’t have listened to and took notice of those stupid visions that stupid demon showed him. Instead he would have gotten married anyway and tried his hardest to fix things so whatever he saw never came true.
And even when he found out that the visions weren’t real, if he had of really loved me, wouldn’t he have still married meiInstead of leaving me a shattered and weeping mess at the alter, for people to stare at and whisper about amongst themselves to find out whether I’m ok or not.
Well I’m not ok. It was supposed to be my wedding day, but I wasn’t getting married, and now I probably never will, not with the person I wanted to get married to anyway.
And he has the nerve to question why I ever wanted to seek vengeance on him.
Not that I’m allowed to do it myself- Stupid rules.
Not that I would want to do it myself.
Not that I’d want anyone to do it to him, not that I ever wanted to do it to him in the first place.
However much I told myself and everyone else I didn’t, I love him to much. Only Spike knew the truth. Typical really.
But no matter how many times I told myself that what those guys did was awful, and that they deserved everything they got, and that it was all part of my job, I just couldn’t get rid of the guilt that was slowly suffocating me, no matter how much I tried to pull it away.
I’m still in shock over what D’hoffryn did to Hallie. Although I should have expected it really, shouldn’t have I? As soon as he even considered bringing those boys back, in exchange for the life and soul of a vengeance demon, I should have known it wouldn’t work out the way I wanted it to. It never does!
But instead I didn’t think, just presumed instantly that he’d kill me like I wanted him to, putting an end to all the pain I felt, the loneliness I can’t never seem to get rid of, no matter what I do.
Instead he killed my best friend increasing all the pain and guilt that I could ever feel at one moment without breaking down, and now I feel even lonelier than ever.
“Go for the hurt instead of the kill”
I told somebody that once, but it’s surprising how quickly you can forget your own advise when faced with a crisis. And it’s even more amazing how quickly your instincts take over when your own life is on the line, whether you wish to live through it or not.
When Hallie found out about my so called ‘Triumph’, she had been ecstatic for me saying how wonderful it was and that a celebration should be held in my honour. And for a moment I had agreed with her. Anyanka was back. But then I realised that she was wrong. It wasn’t good. It was murder and I was the one to blame. It wasn’t her fault she didn’t see the truth; she didn’t know any better. She hadn’t been human or in love in the last thousand years-unlike me. She doesn’t remember what it’s like to have to think about things, and consider the consequences of your actions, or have your conscience screaming out at you to tell you what and what not too do.
When you think about it, Hallie’s death just goes to show how much D’hoffryn’ “girls”, as he liked to call us, really mean to him, how easily he would have killed one of us, just to prove a point.
He’s just like those guys I wanted him to bring back. His vengeance demons don’t mean anything to him. They’re simply a means to an end, and their only purpose is to act out people’s vengeance for him. And it makes me wonder: Is everybody the same deep down? Just users who only want to know you to get something out of you? After all D’hoffryn always said that Hallie was one of his favourites, just like he always said I was, and still he didn’t think twice about killing her, burning her to ashes, just to get to me!
But then again I guess everyone can’t be the same, After all Willow, who was the last person I’d expect to want to help me, went and summoned D’hoffryn to try and get him to reverse the wish, or to get him to stop Buffy from killing me. I guess she kind of understands what I’m going through. After all she skinned Warren and beat up her best friend, before hunting down Jonathan and that other nerd, what ever his name was, all because of vengeance. And even though it didn’t exactly work out the way we all would have wanted it to, it did work out, well kind of.
Sometimes Xander isn’t like that either, After all he’s never intentionally hurt me or anybody before, unless of course if they deserved it. And however much I hate him for it, and even though I don’t really understand why he had to do it, deep down I do kind of get why he left me at the alter. He’s a scared little boy who thinks everything through until it’s perfect. He’s always been the same, and however much I tried to deny it I always knew that he had second thoughts about wanting to get married. I just don’t think I ever realised he was that scared.
Plus he is the one who came to warn me about Buffy coming. He wanted me to run. But what he didn’t realise was that the main reason I was back at the Fraternity house was because I was up for a fight I had very little chance of winning. Too bad D’hoffryn arrived when he did really, because this might have all been over, done with, just like I wanted.
I wonder if he would have mourned for me, or if he argued with Buffy when she told him that she had to kill me. Pled my case so they say. Or whether he just stood behind his precious Buffy, hanging on to her every word and agreeing to everything she said, only coming to see me on his last shred of guilt.
What I really don’t understand is when and why life suddenly became so complicated. I asked Giles about it once and he told me that was just the way it goes sadly and life is just like that sometimes. I told him life was stupid and he didn’t move to disagree.
I miss Giles. I could always talk to him about everything and I guess he kind of understood me. He didn’t tell me I was being improper like all the others did, never told me that I shouldn’t say what I did. He might have scowled and tsked in the right places but really I think he knew I was telling the truth.
For Aud everything was so much simpler, she picked the least ugliest person in the village and married him. They had a little house. He hunted for their food while she stayed at home and played house wife. And when they weren’t doing their every day stuff, they had sex. She didn’t need to worry about a job, or fighting vampires and demons, or trying to impress her friends, because she didn’t have any of that. There weren’t any jobs. She didn’t have any friends because people thought she was weird, far too honest and abrupt. And the only demon she ever met was D’hoffryn and by then she didn’t care.
Life was simple.
Anyanka was a demon who was going to live forever; I mean life couldn’t get any better really could it?
Anyanka could have anything she wished for, and if she couldn’t get it herself D’hoffryn would have gotten it for her. After all, she was his favourite.
She travelled the world, exacting women’s vengeance on their deceitful husbands for them, she was adored by both humans and demons alike because of her job, and that was all she ever had to worry about. She never had or wanted friends. And her conscience was blanked out from the beginning, because when D’hoffryn first came to Aud she was so desperate for her vengeance against Olaf, and was so convinced that all other males must have been exactly the same, she just figured that all of them deserved to be ripped apart and tortured. She never even considered what was right or wrong.
The first thing I felt when I became human again, when I became Anya was alone, and I suppose I’ve always felt like that. After all everything I had ever known had changed, my old life was gone and I suddenly become a 20th century teenager with the knowledge of somebody who had lived for over 1120 years and nobody understood me, and I doubt there will be anyone who can truly understand me ever again. Suddenly I went from having everything, to having nothing. I mean I had a boyfriend, a fiancé until he ripped my still beating heart out and left it at the church altar. I had a shop, a job, until some psycho, vengeance-seeking witch decided to play cat and mouse with the slayer inside it. I had friends, bridesmaids, a house until suddenly I decided to leave it all behind to become a demon again. You would have thought I’d have realised that my life was never going to be the same again when I went back with D’hoffryn to his lair, but I was blinded by vengeance again, only this time I didn’t hate and totally despise the guy who had hurt me, instead I still loved him.
And this time whilst I did people’s vengeance, my conscience wasn’t blanked out. Instead I had a little Xander Lavelle Harris resting on my shoulders telling me what was right and wrong, screaming at me every time I transported to a new country to find a new girl, and as much as I tried to ignore him I just couldn’t do it, and eventually I didn’t need Little Xander anymore, Anya was the one who told me not to do it.
“What if I’m a nobody?” I’d asked Xander because that’s how I felt. People may say that I’m Anyanka the vengeance demon, or Aud the village girl, others may say I’m an artist, a murderer, but none of those ever had a purpose in life. Really they were just there, and then they weren’t. I doubt everyone really remembers who those are. Especially Aud, the memory of her has just disappeared into oblivion, not even a coffin of age-old bones to her name because she never actually died.
But neither of those matter anymore, because neither of them exist any longer. But who’s Anya? She’s a nobody. Her whole world has been destroyed around her and the only person who means anything to her, she’s just watched walk away in the opposite direction.
I wish Buffy had just killed me when she had the chance. That was what I wanted, for her to end the pain, the loneliness, to get rid of this nobody who’s got nothing left in the world worth living for, not anymore.
Not without Xander or the others, not without the vengeance that I can’t even survive anyway, not without the magic box, not without a purpose, a meaning.
The End
The actual extent of what I was doing didn’t really hit me until it was far too late.
Until their dying, piercing screams filled the morning air, until their crimson blood drenched my skin and seeped in to my hair and clothes, and scarred me with their deaths for eternity.
And the young girl, whose wish I had supposedly granted, screamed out in fear and confusion, and all that could be heard was her nervous babbling as she cowardly retreated into the cupboard.
But by then, by the time the full extent of it had knocked me flying into the pits of guilt, it was far too late.
And all that was left was the dull, life-less eyes of death watching me, haunting me as the boys lay there, puddled in blood, gaping holes in their chests.
But what I didn’t even consider at first, was all of the other people, the people who had nothing to do with the so called wish I had granted, the people who were very much innocent, that the demon I brought forth may have hurt or killed.
Hell, I never even realised that the demon had escaped from the fraternity house, or so I had thought, until it was too late, and it was probably long gone.
But even with all of this, all that I could think and say was ‘What have I done?’ even though it was deadly clear.
When the girl had first told me what they’d done to her I was immediately filled with a familiar burning rage. Those guys had used her as part of there silly little game, she meant nothing to them, or him, the one who pretended he liked her. She was simply a means to an end.
Sometimes I find myself wondering the same thing about Xander, arguing with myself about whether or not he ever did truly love me, and often I’m not sure he really did.
Because if he had of, he would have married me wouldn’t he? Isn’t that what two people do when they’re in love? Get married? I’m sure that’s how it’s supposed to work; I’ve read about it:
Boy meets girl.
Boy loves girl.
Boy asks girl to marry him.
Girl says yes.
Boy and girl get married.
It’s quite simply really. They then move on to live happily ever after, with children and pets and a huge house and lots of money.
I mean if he had of really loved me, he wouldn’t have listened to and took notice of those stupid visions that stupid demon showed him. Instead he would have gotten married anyway and tried his hardest to fix things so whatever he saw never came true.
And even when he found out that the visions weren’t real, if he had of really loved me, wouldn’t he have still married meiInstead of leaving me a shattered and weeping mess at the alter, for people to stare at and whisper about amongst themselves to find out whether I’m ok or not.
Well I’m not ok. It was supposed to be my wedding day, but I wasn’t getting married, and now I probably never will, not with the person I wanted to get married to anyway.
And he has the nerve to question why I ever wanted to seek vengeance on him.
Not that I’m allowed to do it myself- Stupid rules.
Not that I would want to do it myself.
Not that I’d want anyone to do it to him, not that I ever wanted to do it to him in the first place.
However much I told myself and everyone else I didn’t, I love him to much. Only Spike knew the truth. Typical really.
But no matter how many times I told myself that what those guys did was awful, and that they deserved everything they got, and that it was all part of my job, I just couldn’t get rid of the guilt that was slowly suffocating me, no matter how much I tried to pull it away.
I’m still in shock over what D’hoffryn did to Hallie. Although I should have expected it really, shouldn’t have I? As soon as he even considered bringing those boys back, in exchange for the life and soul of a vengeance demon, I should have known it wouldn’t work out the way I wanted it to. It never does!
But instead I didn’t think, just presumed instantly that he’d kill me like I wanted him to, putting an end to all the pain I felt, the loneliness I can’t never seem to get rid of, no matter what I do.
Instead he killed my best friend increasing all the pain and guilt that I could ever feel at one moment without breaking down, and now I feel even lonelier than ever.
“Go for the hurt instead of the kill”
I told somebody that once, but it’s surprising how quickly you can forget your own advise when faced with a crisis. And it’s even more amazing how quickly your instincts take over when your own life is on the line, whether you wish to live through it or not.
When Hallie found out about my so called ‘Triumph’, she had been ecstatic for me saying how wonderful it was and that a celebration should be held in my honour. And for a moment I had agreed with her. Anyanka was back. But then I realised that she was wrong. It wasn’t good. It was murder and I was the one to blame. It wasn’t her fault she didn’t see the truth; she didn’t know any better. She hadn’t been human or in love in the last thousand years-unlike me. She doesn’t remember what it’s like to have to think about things, and consider the consequences of your actions, or have your conscience screaming out at you to tell you what and what not too do.
When you think about it, Hallie’s death just goes to show how much D’hoffryn’ “girls”, as he liked to call us, really mean to him, how easily he would have killed one of us, just to prove a point.
He’s just like those guys I wanted him to bring back. His vengeance demons don’t mean anything to him. They’re simply a means to an end, and their only purpose is to act out people’s vengeance for him. And it makes me wonder: Is everybody the same deep down? Just users who only want to know you to get something out of you? After all D’hoffryn always said that Hallie was one of his favourites, just like he always said I was, and still he didn’t think twice about killing her, burning her to ashes, just to get to me!
But then again I guess everyone can’t be the same, After all Willow, who was the last person I’d expect to want to help me, went and summoned D’hoffryn to try and get him to reverse the wish, or to get him to stop Buffy from killing me. I guess she kind of understands what I’m going through. After all she skinned Warren and beat up her best friend, before hunting down Jonathan and that other nerd, what ever his name was, all because of vengeance. And even though it didn’t exactly work out the way we all would have wanted it to, it did work out, well kind of.
Sometimes Xander isn’t like that either, After all he’s never intentionally hurt me or anybody before, unless of course if they deserved it. And however much I hate him for it, and even though I don’t really understand why he had to do it, deep down I do kind of get why he left me at the alter. He’s a scared little boy who thinks everything through until it’s perfect. He’s always been the same, and however much I tried to deny it I always knew that he had second thoughts about wanting to get married. I just don’t think I ever realised he was that scared.
Plus he is the one who came to warn me about Buffy coming. He wanted me to run. But what he didn’t realise was that the main reason I was back at the Fraternity house was because I was up for a fight I had very little chance of winning. Too bad D’hoffryn arrived when he did really, because this might have all been over, done with, just like I wanted.
I wonder if he would have mourned for me, or if he argued with Buffy when she told him that she had to kill me. Pled my case so they say. Or whether he just stood behind his precious Buffy, hanging on to her every word and agreeing to everything she said, only coming to see me on his last shred of guilt.
What I really don’t understand is when and why life suddenly became so complicated. I asked Giles about it once and he told me that was just the way it goes sadly and life is just like that sometimes. I told him life was stupid and he didn’t move to disagree.
I miss Giles. I could always talk to him about everything and I guess he kind of understood me. He didn’t tell me I was being improper like all the others did, never told me that I shouldn’t say what I did. He might have scowled and tsked in the right places but really I think he knew I was telling the truth.
For Aud everything was so much simpler, she picked the least ugliest person in the village and married him. They had a little house. He hunted for their food while she stayed at home and played house wife. And when they weren’t doing their every day stuff, they had sex. She didn’t need to worry about a job, or fighting vampires and demons, or trying to impress her friends, because she didn’t have any of that. There weren’t any jobs. She didn’t have any friends because people thought she was weird, far too honest and abrupt. And the only demon she ever met was D’hoffryn and by then she didn’t care.
Life was simple.
Anyanka was a demon who was going to live forever; I mean life couldn’t get any better really could it?
Anyanka could have anything she wished for, and if she couldn’t get it herself D’hoffryn would have gotten it for her. After all, she was his favourite.
She travelled the world, exacting women’s vengeance on their deceitful husbands for them, she was adored by both humans and demons alike because of her job, and that was all she ever had to worry about. She never had or wanted friends. And her conscience was blanked out from the beginning, because when D’hoffryn first came to Aud she was so desperate for her vengeance against Olaf, and was so convinced that all other males must have been exactly the same, she just figured that all of them deserved to be ripped apart and tortured. She never even considered what was right or wrong.
The first thing I felt when I became human again, when I became Anya was alone, and I suppose I’ve always felt like that. After all everything I had ever known had changed, my old life was gone and I suddenly become a 20th century teenager with the knowledge of somebody who had lived for over 1120 years and nobody understood me, and I doubt there will be anyone who can truly understand me ever again. Suddenly I went from having everything, to having nothing. I mean I had a boyfriend, a fiancé until he ripped my still beating heart out and left it at the church altar. I had a shop, a job, until some psycho, vengeance-seeking witch decided to play cat and mouse with the slayer inside it. I had friends, bridesmaids, a house until suddenly I decided to leave it all behind to become a demon again. You would have thought I’d have realised that my life was never going to be the same again when I went back with D’hoffryn to his lair, but I was blinded by vengeance again, only this time I didn’t hate and totally despise the guy who had hurt me, instead I still loved him.
And this time whilst I did people’s vengeance, my conscience wasn’t blanked out. Instead I had a little Xander Lavelle Harris resting on my shoulders telling me what was right and wrong, screaming at me every time I transported to a new country to find a new girl, and as much as I tried to ignore him I just couldn’t do it, and eventually I didn’t need Little Xander anymore, Anya was the one who told me not to do it.
“What if I’m a nobody?” I’d asked Xander because that’s how I felt. People may say that I’m Anyanka the vengeance demon, or Aud the village girl, others may say I’m an artist, a murderer, but none of those ever had a purpose in life. Really they were just there, and then they weren’t. I doubt everyone really remembers who those are. Especially Aud, the memory of her has just disappeared into oblivion, not even a coffin of age-old bones to her name because she never actually died.
But neither of those matter anymore, because neither of them exist any longer. But who’s Anya? She’s a nobody. Her whole world has been destroyed around her and the only person who means anything to her, she’s just watched walk away in the opposite direction.
I wish Buffy had just killed me when she had the chance. That was what I wanted, for her to end the pain, the loneliness, to get rid of this nobody who’s got nothing left in the world worth living for, not anymore.
Not without Xander or the others, not without the vengeance that I can’t even survive anyway, not without the magic box, not without a purpose, a meaning.
The End