i know i've said a lot lately. contrary things prolly. in confusion.
but the TRUTH is... i am weak in many ways, and i get angry and hurtful when i'm hurt and feel people are angry at me. i should be better, but i'm not.
but i want this one TRUTH to be known.
i'm sorry for breaking up with you, even tho'... i still feel kinda how i felt. but i should have... been more understanding and waited. given you TIME to... find yourself and had more faith in the goodness of you that you'd stop... what i thought you were trying to do... or if you didn't KNOW you were you'd SEE it, or see that i SAW it... and have made it better with love and explanations and SHOWING ME at last.
but i want this one truth to be known... i still feel... what i felt, about what i called "playing" and "game" and "purpose" and all that.
however, i know that doesn't make you bad even if true, and i should not have left you... but i guess all things happen for a purpose... and this was meant to be.
i dunno why.
but this one truth.
i hate myself.
but Alea, i still love you. and will forever. longer than i did jaime. forever. i love you. beautiful and ugly, good and bad, imperfection and would-be-goddess who can't embrace... that divinity.
i'll TRY, over time... to say less and less. i'm not calling, i hope you can see in THAT... despite my anger and bitterness at times... that i am TRYING. and i don't intend to persecute you forever with my onerous prescence unwanted and unloved anymore.
you don't love me. you've said so. you say it's all my fault. i think the fault is SHARED... and could be healed. with talk. and openess. and understanding. and time. maybe even w/o you having to say anything to anyone (mufasa)... but i dont' TRUST you and you don't TRUST me now.
you don't love me either. you don't believe in me.
i can't honestly say i believe in you.
but i LOVE you, in TRUE LOVE, forever. and i'm still marry you in a second if you showed up at my door. in spite of it all.
i am weak. my love for you makes me weak. my hate for myself makes me unkind.
i'm sorry.
i'll try to be QUIETER. but as with you, my LJ is my LJ. i'll TRY... if you don't comment ABOUT ME... to not bother you at LJs besides your own... which you leave open, which you are not leaving open b/c of me.
but i think we BOTH fucked up.
equally and evenly in different ways.
i dont' hate you. i hate MYSELF for being the ugly misearable failure that i am. i am TRUTH, i have never ever lied to you. what i have said you don't agree with is MISUNDERSTANDING at best. which we could have worked on... but Alea... you didn't SHOW ME. and in the end, i lost faith.
and always.
i know i've said a lot lately. contrary things prolly. in confusion.
but the TRUTH is... i am weak in many ways, and i get angry and hurtful when i'm hurt and feel people are angry at me. i should be better, but i'm not.
but i want this one TRUTH to be known.
i'm sorry for breaking up with you, even tho'... i still feel kinda how i felt. but i should have... been more understanding and waited. given you TIME to... find yourself and had more faith in the goodness of you that you'd stop... what i thought you were trying to do... or if you didn't KNOW you were you'd SEE it, or see that i SAW it... and have made it better with love and explanations and SHOWING ME at last.
but i want this one truth to be known... i still feel... what i felt, about what i called "playing" and "game" and "purpose" and all that.
however, i know that doesn't make you bad even if true, and i should not have left you... but i guess all things happen for a purpose... and this was meant to be.
i dunno why.
but this one truth.
i hate myself.
but Alea, i still love you. and will forever. longer than i did jaime. forever. i love you. beautiful and ugly, good and bad, imperfection and would-be-goddess who can't embrace... that divinity.
i'll TRY, over time... to say less and less. i'm not calling, i hope you can see in THAT... despite my anger and bitterness at times... that i am TRYING. and i don't intend to persecute you forever with my onerous prescence unwanted and unloved anymore.
you don't love me. you've said so. you say it's all my fault. i think the fault is SHARED... and could be healed. with talk. and openess. and understanding. and time. maybe even w/o you having to say anything to anyone (mufasa)... but i dont' TRUST you and you don't TRUST me now.
you don't love me either. you don't believe in me.
i can't honestly say i believe in you.
but i LOVE you, in TRUE LOVE, forever. and i'm still marry you in a second if you showed up at my door. in spite of it all.
i am weak. my love for you makes me weak. my hate for myself makes me unkind.
i'm sorry.
i'll try to be QUIETER. but as with you, my LJ is my LJ. i'll TRY... if you don't comment ABOUT ME... to not bother you at LJs besides your own... which you leave open, which you are not leaving open b/c of me.
but i think we BOTH fucked up.
equally and evenly in different ways.
i dont' hate you. i hate MYSELF for being the ugly misearable failure that i am. i am TRUTH, i have never ever lied to you. what i have said you don't agree with is MISUNDERSTANDING at best. which we could have worked on... but Alea... you didn't SHOW ME. and in the end, i lost faith.
i warned you. i'm not PERFECTLY strong.
i LOVE you, my goddess. forever.
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