intimacy

[willowperson]

Hello.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what it is to be a friend. I've been called out recently on making people feel important, but then not treating them as such. This causes me a lot of confusion, so I'd really like some feedback.

Comments

[anonymous]

I rely on a variety of social queues to try to infer what someone thinks about me. These include:
* facial expression
* displayed levels of enthusiasm
* levels of casual physical contact

I use these to try to gauge what level of reciprocal attention is appropriate and would be appreciated, among other things.

I have been very confused by what I perceive to be a fairly wide gulf between the cues I thought I was receiving and the subsequent types of interaction we've experienced. For the most part in person I've perceived our interactions as quite friendly and fairly flirtatious. However, this seems not to translate to other contexts such as invitations to social events or electronic interactions. My perception of our interactions other than in person is that they are fairly cold, impersonal, and that I am perhaps sometimes a useful means to the end of interacting with one of my partners.

It's actually been quite helpful to me to read this. I'm pretty socially odd in my own ways, and don't "need" people to behave according to the patterns I'm used to. However, without extra information (much of which I now have, thank you), the incongruity is moderately distressing, enough so that I would probably have attempted to avoid interaction with you where possible. I no longer consider that something I feel I need to do.

To be clear, it was because of my own social anxiety trip. I have expectations as a result of people's behavior, but it's in the sense of predictions, not believing myself to be entitled to my expectations. I experience what may be abnormally high levels of stress when I'm unable to model peoples' behavior.

So, none of that is really advice. It's just my own narrative about my own observations and hangups. Maybe there's something in there you can find useful anyway?

You may un-screen this comment and reply. I'm willing to de-anonymize via a private channel.
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[willowperson]

It is useful to me, thank you.

I have this thing about breaking social norms, in good ways. I don't think people touch enough, so I make a point of hugging people etc. I don't think people talk enough about the positive, so I make a point about talking about the positive, especially in relation to people's abilities. It is upsetting that this is causing pain and miscommunication rather than effecting change in others to take a closer look at how the world interacts.

I wonder if the being cold and impersonal is due to my attempted separation of personal and business : when asking friends for task-related assistance, I try not to pull heart strings. I'm good at manipulation, which is one of the reasons I take such cares to lay all cards on the table - so I don't have the opportunity to be manipulative, but showing the situation as objectively as possible.

Feel free to de-anonymize via private channel if you'd like, I'd definitely take the time to learn from you. If not, it's ok, I've appreciated this forum as well.

[thewronghands]

(Feel free to unscreen.)

I have this thing about breaking social norms, in good ways. I don't think people touch enough, so I make a point of hugging people etc. I don't think people talk enough about the positive, so I make a point about talking about the positive, especially in relation to people's abilities. It is upsetting that this is causing pain and miscommunication rather than effecting change in others to take a closer look at how the world interacts.

I've had different but analogous difficulties -- mostly, people taking a genuine interest in them-as-a-person to be sexual interest in them as a person. Because, clearly, you can't be really interested in someone without wanting to sleep with them. (Wait, what?) So you have my sympathy on this point. The best workaround I've found is bitching about this, so that they can pre-emptively correct their impressions of my intentions.

[willowperson]

This is something I feel like I'm definitely dealing with. The people who are bringing up these issues have all had some level of sexual attraction, interaction, or denial with/from me.

Puts me in mind of this, from an anonymous comment:
I've run into people before who, in retrospect, I realized were putting me under unfair pressure to be "best friends." In retrospect I realize that they wanted me, in effect, to be their platonic sig. other. They got really upset and jealous if I had other friends, attending events to which they weren't invited, or dated in a serious way. I tried to keep them happy without sacrificing my life, and in the end it didn't really work. If people demand more than is healthy in a friendship, the friendship is not going to last.