(no subject)
It occurs to me that this is a much better place to just tlak than Tumblr.
So since I want to talk right now, instead of post pictures I'll do it here.
I have trouble thinking in Spoons. At this point I've had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome for more of my life than I was without it, but I still don't think of things in units of energy most of the time. There is the 'if I sweep up, I'll be too tiredto do errands.' but that's about it.
This morning I was getting ready to shower and I was thinking about shaving my legs (something I do because I like to wear tights and leg hair under tights can be uncomfortable) (and technically I don't shave them, I use spray on dipilitory foam and then the stuff and hair rinces off without much added effort at all, it just takes more time) and decided that you know what, it wasn't worth the extra time and energy today. And I realised that was a spoony decision and it got me thinking about spoons again.
But the problem with the spoon theory is that sometimes things take half a spoon. So you're left with half a spoon, like half an onion lingering around somewhere. (I can't help but remember a movie with an insane asylym where they were playing poker for cigarettes and one of them says 'I bet a half' and breaks a cigarette in two and the focus character tries to explain that a broken cigarette is worthless. There is no betting halves.' and I think that might be why no one mentions half spoons.)
I try to think in spoons, mind you, it gives me words in common with other people of limited resources such as myself. This summer, I was thinking about exercise, and how it was basically gambling with spoons, or uncertain algebra.
"If I expend one spoon daily in exercise, I have one less spoon for everything else, and some days it takes two spoons because of setting up and breaking down- but if I consistently pay in one spoon in this exercise, there is a good chance that I will be rewarded with an extra spoon consistently later. Of course, this takes time, and I'm down a spoon every day, anyway so when and if that extra spoon arrives (shipping can take five to eight weeks) I am only putting myself back up to the origonal twelve spoons."
not to mention that with chronic fatigue, I'm not given a handful of twelve spoons. I am handed a bag, and told that it will have about twelve spoons in it and no, you're not allowed to look. Some days I have ten, somedays I have five (those days are hard) (When I was shopping for a new desk chair I had to get one with a high back and arms because some days I am pretty much supported by the chair.) but then somedays it's like a bag of indefinate spoons. The thing is I don't know. I can, like anyone else borrow spoons from tomorrow's bag, but again; gambling. What if I've just borrowed a spoon from a five spoon day? Not to mention that sometimes borrowing a spoon can cost another of those worthless half spoons.
Thinking takes energy. Will takes energy
Energy I do not have.
Instead of spoons I tend to think of energy as groundwater. some things replenish it, somethings contaminate it, and if you pull on it too long, too hard without letting it replenish itself, you're going to get a sink hole. This could be as little as our house settlign a few inches, or it could eat your car.
If you want to see my sink hole, all you have to do is look under my eyes. I lost a cat in there last month.
So since I want to talk right now, instead of post pictures I'll do it here.
I have trouble thinking in Spoons. At this point I've had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome for more of my life than I was without it, but I still don't think of things in units of energy most of the time. There is the 'if I sweep up, I'll be too tiredto do errands.' but that's about it.
This morning I was getting ready to shower and I was thinking about shaving my legs (something I do because I like to wear tights and leg hair under tights can be uncomfortable) (and technically I don't shave them, I use spray on dipilitory foam and then the stuff and hair rinces off without much added effort at all, it just takes more time) and decided that you know what, it wasn't worth the extra time and energy today. And I realised that was a spoony decision and it got me thinking about spoons again.
But the problem with the spoon theory is that sometimes things take half a spoon. So you're left with half a spoon, like half an onion lingering around somewhere. (I can't help but remember a movie with an insane asylym where they were playing poker for cigarettes and one of them says 'I bet a half' and breaks a cigarette in two and the focus character tries to explain that a broken cigarette is worthless. There is no betting halves.' and I think that might be why no one mentions half spoons.)
I try to think in spoons, mind you, it gives me words in common with other people of limited resources such as myself. This summer, I was thinking about exercise, and how it was basically gambling with spoons, or uncertain algebra.
"If I expend one spoon daily in exercise, I have one less spoon for everything else, and some days it takes two spoons because of setting up and breaking down- but if I consistently pay in one spoon in this exercise, there is a good chance that I will be rewarded with an extra spoon consistently later. Of course, this takes time, and I'm down a spoon every day, anyway so when and if that extra spoon arrives (shipping can take five to eight weeks) I am only putting myself back up to the origonal twelve spoons."
not to mention that with chronic fatigue, I'm not given a handful of twelve spoons. I am handed a bag, and told that it will have about twelve spoons in it and no, you're not allowed to look. Some days I have ten, somedays I have five (those days are hard) (When I was shopping for a new desk chair I had to get one with a high back and arms because some days I am pretty much supported by the chair.) but then somedays it's like a bag of indefinate spoons. The thing is I don't know. I can, like anyone else borrow spoons from tomorrow's bag, but again; gambling. What if I've just borrowed a spoon from a five spoon day? Not to mention that sometimes borrowing a spoon can cost another of those worthless half spoons.
Thinking takes energy. Will takes energy
Energy I do not have.
Instead of spoons I tend to think of energy as groundwater. some things replenish it, somethings contaminate it, and if you pull on it too long, too hard without letting it replenish itself, you're going to get a sink hole. This could be as little as our house settlign a few inches, or it could eat your car.
If you want to see my sink hole, all you have to do is look under my eyes. I lost a cat in there last month.