headed for...
a breakdown... okay not really but it almost feels like it. I'm just really on edge with everything lately. Went and saw the lady at pregnancy aid and had a major talk about all this shit I got going on... My body is still showing way too many signs of pregnancy, getting more intense all the time... the test was negative (which should have made me feel better) but she said there is a strong liklihood that it was only negative because of my stress level. That I have a really good chance that I am pregnant, that an ectopic might not show up as easily, or that I COULD ACTUALLY GROW A NEW TUBE!! If this is what I had to look forward to why did I ever bother getting my tubal done at all?
I'm a highly emotional nuerotic hormonal mess.... Chaos is dealing with it pretty well... And I just feel bad for him.. I am going from one extreme to another.. I have our wedding coming in a few short months, and it seems too far away. All my deepest darkest insecurities are creeping in and driving me nuts. I have a temptation half the time to cancel all these damn wedding plans and just sneak off to a court house sooner to get it over with. I shouldn't have to think like that... but I guess at my age and waiting this long to actually get remarried, my fear of it not happening is pretty strong. The hardest part is it is not a founded fear in any way. It's just a creeping pain in my ass... dreams where I don't remember what the issue is just waking up feeling like I'm losing him. Constantly being super needy, not wanting to leave his side at all. It would make sense maybe if we had trust issues with each other but we don't... I just cant stand to be away from him....
I know my stress level, hormones, and not getting good sleep have alot to do with it, as well as all that history stuff that makes people insecure in relationships.... but it still is difficult to deal with...
I'm a highly emotional nuerotic hormonal mess.... Chaos is dealing with it pretty well... And I just feel bad for him.. I am going from one extreme to another.. I have our wedding coming in a few short months, and it seems too far away. All my deepest darkest insecurities are creeping in and driving me nuts. I have a temptation half the time to cancel all these damn wedding plans and just sneak off to a court house sooner to get it over with. I shouldn't have to think like that... but I guess at my age and waiting this long to actually get remarried, my fear of it not happening is pretty strong. The hardest part is it is not a founded fear in any way. It's just a creeping pain in my ass... dreams where I don't remember what the issue is just waking up feeling like I'm losing him. Constantly being super needy, not wanting to leave his side at all. It would make sense maybe if we had trust issues with each other but we don't... I just cant stand to be away from him....
I know my stress level, hormones, and not getting good sleep have alot to do with it, as well as all that history stuff that makes people insecure in relationships.... but it still is difficult to deal with...