(no subject)
I really was on an upper until the end of the day. Everything was going alright. Well maybe an upper is overdoing it. But I was content with the day. I was even happy after Confirmation. Got a bunch of people to sign my yearbook that aren't going to Edison. Super hott too. Got this awesome Senior to sign it. Maybe she goes to Edison? Deena something? Anyways she's hot and I was like will you sign my yearbook? And she was like umm I don't know you and I was like so? So she signed it. And I'm older than her too. Weeeird. So back to the downer.
I'm just reiterating a recent past post when I say, nothing good will ever come for free. Never will I be rewarded for something and that be the end of it. For God has some silly plan to just play with my moods and my life. The stupid bastard always throws in hooks that kill the mood. And I wonder why I'm agnostic. Ha.
But then again, we live in a world where we expect God to provide a good life for us. When the plasma TV at Best Buy doesn't go on sale for the week, we blame Him. It's really rather proposterous. Is this what our God should be used for (I use the term "our" loosely)? However, I just can't help but feel like he's cheating me out of pride or satisfaction. Sure I appreciate things. Plenty of things. And when I ask, I must admit, the one time I asked really hard, I did receive. And I thanked Him and moved on without caring. Then when nothing worked out, I said no I did it by myself. I guess he is punishing me now. You know, people don't believe in God because they say the world around them is so horrible, so how can there be a God? Well you know what? I think it's because of the horrible things around us, that maybe there is a God. Maybe I'm being punished for all my misdoings. Is it possible to have such a large string of bad luck? I have no effing idea. There is no one online to talk to and just feel good. I don't even have to talk about feeling bad. *unrelieving sigh*...
I watch the clock tickin slowly
Everyone knew the ending
Opened the bag of tricks
And stumbled over their own
They blew miles away
So decrippling, just like thunder
Now it's gone today
Not so happy that it's over
It's the end of the world,
Well it's the end of the world
It's the end of the world
Can we really see the end coming before it actually does? I'd like to think, yes, I see the signs already. I can't prove it to anyone. No one will believe me. But for example, Regan during his presidency constantly claimed that he couldn't remember anything. Now he has All Timers (haha Ammann). I know that I will contract Alsheimers. It will be the end of me. Stupid people say ignorance is bliss. No my friend, ignorance is death is what it is. I would like to know who my friends are, who my wife is (if I were to be so blessed), the names of my kids (repeat), and how to get dressed in the morning. This torture, would be ridiculous...beyond ridiculous. And the sad thing is: I won't even be able to remember that I'm unhappy. I won't remember that I don't want to live anymore. I won't remember how to slay what once was a human being of myself. All these things will be gone. In an instant. It will be a new morning every day. That is a crippling thought, and every time I think about it, something in my body breaks down, and fear takes its place.
I will be the loneliest man on the planet. Everything I enjoy. Gone. All I love. Gone. Ignorance is bliss? My ass, you try telling me that when I'm stuck in an intensive care unit recovering from attempted suicide, and I wake up not even knowing I tried to kill myself. How much pain could I go through? How much could my body endure? Will I even be able to carry out these horrendous actions? I don't know, but for the first time in my life, I desparately want to believe in God, my God, that will save me...
I'm just reiterating a recent past post when I say, nothing good will ever come for free. Never will I be rewarded for something and that be the end of it. For God has some silly plan to just play with my moods and my life. The stupid bastard always throws in hooks that kill the mood. And I wonder why I'm agnostic. Ha.
But then again, we live in a world where we expect God to provide a good life for us. When the plasma TV at Best Buy doesn't go on sale for the week, we blame Him. It's really rather proposterous. Is this what our God should be used for (I use the term "our" loosely)? However, I just can't help but feel like he's cheating me out of pride or satisfaction. Sure I appreciate things. Plenty of things. And when I ask, I must admit, the one time I asked really hard, I did receive. And I thanked Him and moved on without caring. Then when nothing worked out, I said no I did it by myself. I guess he is punishing me now. You know, people don't believe in God because they say the world around them is so horrible, so how can there be a God? Well you know what? I think it's because of the horrible things around us, that maybe there is a God. Maybe I'm being punished for all my misdoings. Is it possible to have such a large string of bad luck? I have no effing idea. There is no one online to talk to and just feel good. I don't even have to talk about feeling bad. *unrelieving sigh*...
I watch the clock tickin slowly
Everyone knew the ending
Opened the bag of tricks
And stumbled over their own
They blew miles away
So decrippling, just like thunder
Now it's gone today
Not so happy that it's over
It's the end of the world,
Well it's the end of the world
It's the end of the world
Can we really see the end coming before it actually does? I'd like to think, yes, I see the signs already. I can't prove it to anyone. No one will believe me. But for example, Regan during his presidency constantly claimed that he couldn't remember anything. Now he has All Timers (haha Ammann). I know that I will contract Alsheimers. It will be the end of me. Stupid people say ignorance is bliss. No my friend, ignorance is death is what it is. I would like to know who my friends are, who my wife is (if I were to be so blessed), the names of my kids (repeat), and how to get dressed in the morning. This torture, would be ridiculous...beyond ridiculous. And the sad thing is: I won't even be able to remember that I'm unhappy. I won't remember that I don't want to live anymore. I won't remember how to slay what once was a human being of myself. All these things will be gone. In an instant. It will be a new morning every day. That is a crippling thought, and every time I think about it, something in my body breaks down, and fear takes its place.
I will be the loneliest man on the planet. Everything I enjoy. Gone. All I love. Gone. Ignorance is bliss? My ass, you try telling me that when I'm stuck in an intensive care unit recovering from attempted suicide, and I wake up not even knowing I tried to kill myself. How much pain could I go through? How much could my body endure? Will I even be able to carry out these horrendous actions? I don't know, but for the first time in my life, I desparately want to believe in God, my God, that will save me...