Crack!fic Hellmouth
Title: Relationship CPR (the author intervenes) part 5
Post date: 07/12/06
Rating: R, Crack!fic
Pairing: Lee/Kara (duh)
Spoilers: All of season 2
Disclaimer: D.A.R.E. wants my head, but this is technically legal in my state. [Sound of a shotgun cartridge being chambered] Just let them try to get me! [moment of silence] If I say its PG-13 will they go away? If you are under 18, consider your “innocent eyes”. I don’t want your parents to ground you and sue me. They aren’t mine and refuse to listen.
The Quotes from "The Princess Bride" are not mine.
The Author loses all moral rightousness in Relationship CPR (the author intervenes) Part 5, where Lee and Kara argue over "The Princess Bride" and who gets to plan “THE KISS” and the author becomes a “pusher”.
Note: the author has noted that some of her darling readers would like to see Lee and Kara have actual sex! Now, the author is a great fan of sex herself, however this author’s doctor tells her it would be unethical to let them sleep together now because being drunk indicates “an absence of consent” and would constitute rape. This makes the author rather confused, as she has acquired many of her (ex) boyfriends while inebriated. Of course, this author has now also sold her soul for a kiss…and since when have Kara and Lee ever taken their doctor’s advice?
Setting:
In a luxurious white marble bathroom with a big Jacuzzi with jets as the focal point. There are wet cloths strewn in across the floor, slumped in corners, hanging from door handles and draining in the sink. The Jacuzzi itself is filled to overflowing with lavender scented bubble bath, obscuring the fact that Lee and Kara are naked as baby jay-birds. The deliciously drunken duo are leaning back in the Jacuzzi next to each other, only their heads and shoulders visible above the bubbles as they share a bottle of champagne. They are quiet for once; listening to the author read aloud.
Author (reading with great emotion):
‘They rode to freedom. and as dawn arose, Westly and Buttercup knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over them. And as they reached for each other…’
Kara: What sort of fraked-up names are Westly and Buttercup!?
Lee (entranced by the story): Starbuck, shut-up and let her finish.
Author: Thank you Lee. Ahem.
‘Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind. The end.’
Kara (making a face): You want me to kiss Lee like some ditsy chick with the name Buttercup?
Author: I’m just trying to give you an idea of the depth of romance I’m looking for. Give you some inspiration, since I’m doubting you know what romantic REALLY is.
Lee: Yeah, so am I. I think you should let me handle this.
Kara: Frak you! This is my plan, I’m going to execute this operation.
Lee laughs: This isn’t a battle plan Kara, debating angles of attack is not going to get us our stogies.
Author: Argh! I’m selling my soul here, I swear, you better make this worth the loss of my self-respect!
Kara (irate, glancing at the cieling): I’m gonna frakin’ give you what you want-you just better stick to our deal.
Lee: What? Is your plan to jump on me and bite my tounge out like you did last time?
Kara (shugs, ‘cause Lee just pegged her plan): If I recall Lee, that really turned you on.
Lee raises his eyebrow and looks at Kara silently for a moment.
Lee: I’m just another sucker, then I guess. I learn fast though: once bitten, twice shy.
Kara (mumbling quietly, awkward): You know I was really fraked up then, right?
Lee (smiles sadly, then nudges Kara’s shoulder): Yeah. Weren’t we all?
Kara: So, are you gonna help me get my stogies or not? [She smiles hopefully at Lee]
Getting a devious look, Lee leans over to Kara’s ear and whispers something into it.
Kara giggles and looks are the ceiling where she assumes the author lurks and then turns back to whisper in Lee’s ear. Lee shakes his head emphatically and wispers something back to Kara.
Kara (the Chesire-cat grin back): Fine, I’ll go along with it.
Lee (loudly, like a declaration): And now we prepare for our “Romantic Kiss”.
Author (elated): Oh, finally! You don’t know how often I’ve wished you two would do this! I always knew this was destined.
Lee (under his breath): Someone really needs to get a life.
Kara (to the author): Frakin’ cylon peace and love plan.…
Lee sighs heavily, then turns to Kara with that devious twinkle in his eyes.
Lee: Ok. Here we go. [He reaches beneath the bubbles and after some squirming from Kara finds her hands and lifts them to his mouth, kissing them while he stares deeply into her eyes, the says breathily:]. Kara, there is so much between us, its been impossible for me to be able to express how I feel about you.
Kara (surprised, then catching on): Uh…is this your..oh! I mean, yeah! Lee, I know exactly what you mean. Just four years ago you were about to be my annoyingly anal brother in law. Gods, I loved Zak, but even then, you were such a smug, righteous bastard I wanted to throw you against a wall and frak some of that arrogance out of you.
Lee (eyes bugging): You did!? [Kara gives him the eye while trying to act serious] Um…right-for some reason you are always able to get under my skin and I can’t shut you out. It’s so frustrating, being around you-you enjoy setting me off, pushing my buttons, I can’t control myself and it pisses me off! I dreamt of dragging you into storage closets and teaching you lessons-
Kara: Lee, you kinky bastard, I always wondered…
Lee (hurriedly cutting Kara off): …and then you were a total, raging bitch and it all went to hell.
Author: Uhhh, guys? This is not….
Kara (fed up): Frak this!
Lee (angrily): Shut up!
Lee continues (with an intense, penetrating look): You were my best friend, I was your CAG, but you made me want to break the rules.
Kara (rolls her eyes): Heh heh…well, you were always asking for it with your optimistic cheerleader routine, dropping that tiny towel you used whenever you were around me and flaunting your cute ass for all the women -I couldn’t stop myself.
Lee (fondly and a little drunkenly): You were always bending the rules, and daring me to call you on it! Bad mouthing authority, fleecing everyone of all their goods in triad, prancing around in your fraking grey panties and whispering poetry in my ear…
Kara: You always wanted to talk about feelings and that just made me…want to sma-I mean-FEEL you.
Lee (Huskily): Really?
Kara (overdramatic): Lee you big stud, just Kiss me already!
Lee (grins and rolls his eyes): As you wish.
Author: Sheesh, I should have known.
Lee [takes Kara’s Head in his hands and she moves into him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and before they even kiss Lee says-with a humorous fake moan]:
Oh, Kara!
Kara (bats her eyes like a shy maid, screeching in drunken parody): Oh Lee!
They kiss each other chastely on the lips, then pull away grinning and looking at each other slyly.
Author: Oh, you are soo not-
Oblivious to the unimpressed author, Lee and Kara haven’t broken eye contact since the chaste kiss. Lee gives Kara a lecherous smile and Kara gives him a slow, seductive grin-daring him to make a move. Suddenly, they are kissing A LOT less chastely. Hell, Lee has one hand grasping the back of Kara’s skull and the other around her waist, hauling her onto his lap. Kara’s eyebrows hit her hairline as she is raised into Lee’s lap, her torso rising above the foam like a tattoo covered, warrior-like Venus being birthed by lavender bubble bath. Lee is kissing Kara like a real Italian romance novel pro. His hands run up and down her foam slick back while his mouth hungrily caresses Kara’s. Kara-not to be outdone, shifts in the bath to wrap her legs around Lee. She grips his shoulder with one hand while her other hand runs through his hair, scratching his scalp with her nails and pulling Lee’s head up to her’s like a preying mantis consummating her latest conquest. There are insdistinct groans and senseless murmurs from our two heros. The kiss is getting more and more passionate, as Lee hauls Kara against his chest and Kara wraps her arms tight around him. Lee’s hands slip down Kara’s back and beneath the lavender bubbles to (one can only assume) grab her ass. Kara growls hungrily and nips Lee’s adorable lower lip.
Author (enthralled, gasps loudly): YES! Hot!naked!pilots! Finally!
Shocked out of their reverie by the authors’s comment, Lee and Kara jerk apart and stare at each other for a moment of almost-sobering horror and guilt.
Author (frantic): No! No! You don’t need to stop!
Lee lets Kara go and she slumps back, nearly submerged in the bubbles, momentarily stunned by the experience. Lee’s face and neck turn red as he notices Kara won’t meet his eyes and grabs the champagne and takes a rather long swig.
Kara (breathless): Whoa! [glances at Lee sideways for a moment with a worried expression, but quickly dons her Starbuck façade and snarks] O.K. We both frakin’ put on a show for that one, so you better put out now.
Author: The foreplay sucked, but I guess that made up for it.
Lee (smug): Damn right. Where are those stogies, you psycho cylon?
Kara (still breathless): Yeah, I need one.
Author (torn): You know tobacco is really bad for your health? How about some chocolate instead?
Lee and Kara (with great ire): NO!
Kara: The deal was Smokes, no frakin’ way can you change the terms!
Author: Fine! I’ve fallen this low-might as well go all out. I’ll give you something to smoke!
The author makes a cigar box appear next to Kara on the shelf of the bath.
Kara (Glee!): ALL RIGHT! That’s what I’m talking about!
Lee (smirking drunkly at Kara): I told you I knew what I was doing.
Kara opens the box and her face darkens: What the Frak is this!?
Lee sloshes across the tub to lean over the box and see what’s in it.
Lee (dismay clouding his features): Uh, those don’t look like cigars-at least, none that I know.
Author (calmly): Trust me, these are healthier, according to the research.
Kara (nearly roaring in disgust): I don’t give a FRACK about health benefits!
[Lee picks up the cigar sized , white paper encased object and sniffs it]
Lee: This isn’t tobacco, it smells like an herb.
Author: Well, that’s one term for it…
Kara: This was not the frakin’ deal!
Author: Don’t bash what you don’t know- I think you will really like these and there is no addictive side effect. You see, nicotine is addictive, whereas THC is…something else.
Lee (Whining): Oh, come on-I really went all out for you!
Author (encouragingly): Look, I can’t be responsible for supporting an unhealthy addiction, and this is the finest primary agricultural export of my state: Matanuska Gold.
Kara (glares at the blunt): Figures. ‘Should never make deals with cylons.
Author (pissed): Hey, I can make those disappear again-I’m not obligated to be nice you know.
Lee (frustrated): Fine-not like we have a choice, and I need to smoke something. Now.
Kara (belligerent): This shit can’t possibly beat a fine cigar.
[Kara grabs the provided lighter out of the cigar box and proceeds to light her blunt. Lee leans over and she lights his as well. They both stare with distrust at the smoking white rolls they each hold in their hand.]
Kara: What the frak have I got to lose? [she brings the blunt to her mouth and inhales]
Lee takes a careful toke. They both start coughing at the same time.
Kara: Gack! What is this stuff. [she coughs some more and grabs the champagne which Lee, red faced, begs from her when she is done]
Author (exasperated): I hope these help mellow you two out so we can get back to working out your issues.
….to be continued (egads)…
Will Lee and Kara attempt mutual personal hygiene while drunk and stoned? Will the insane duo sing along with Barry Manilow? Will they dance naked like college freshmen after midterms? The author hopes not.
Post date: 07/12/06
Rating: R, Crack!fic
Pairing: Lee/Kara (duh)
Spoilers: All of season 2
Disclaimer: D.A.R.E. wants my head, but this is technically legal in my state. [Sound of a shotgun cartridge being chambered] Just let them try to get me! [moment of silence] If I say its PG-13 will they go away? If you are under 18, consider your “innocent eyes”. I don’t want your parents to ground you and sue me. They aren’t mine and refuse to listen.
The Quotes from "The Princess Bride" are not mine.
The Author loses all moral rightousness in Relationship CPR (the author intervenes) Part 5, where Lee and Kara argue over "The Princess Bride" and who gets to plan “THE KISS” and the author becomes a “pusher”.
Note: the author has noted that some of her darling readers would like to see Lee and Kara have actual sex! Now, the author is a great fan of sex herself, however this author’s doctor tells her it would be unethical to let them sleep together now because being drunk indicates “an absence of consent” and would constitute rape. This makes the author rather confused, as she has acquired many of her (ex) boyfriends while inebriated. Of course, this author has now also sold her soul for a kiss…and since when have Kara and Lee ever taken their doctor’s advice?
Setting:
In a luxurious white marble bathroom with a big Jacuzzi with jets as the focal point. There are wet cloths strewn in across the floor, slumped in corners, hanging from door handles and draining in the sink. The Jacuzzi itself is filled to overflowing with lavender scented bubble bath, obscuring the fact that Lee and Kara are naked as baby jay-birds. The deliciously drunken duo are leaning back in the Jacuzzi next to each other, only their heads and shoulders visible above the bubbles as they share a bottle of champagne. They are quiet for once; listening to the author read aloud.
Author (reading with great emotion):
‘They rode to freedom. and as dawn arose, Westly and Buttercup knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over them. And as they reached for each other…’
Kara: What sort of fraked-up names are Westly and Buttercup!?
Lee (entranced by the story): Starbuck, shut-up and let her finish.
Author: Thank you Lee. Ahem.
‘Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind. The end.’
Kara (making a face): You want me to kiss Lee like some ditsy chick with the name Buttercup?
Author: I’m just trying to give you an idea of the depth of romance I’m looking for. Give you some inspiration, since I’m doubting you know what romantic REALLY is.
Lee: Yeah, so am I. I think you should let me handle this.
Kara: Frak you! This is my plan, I’m going to execute this operation.
Lee laughs: This isn’t a battle plan Kara, debating angles of attack is not going to get us our stogies.
Author: Argh! I’m selling my soul here, I swear, you better make this worth the loss of my self-respect!
Kara (irate, glancing at the cieling): I’m gonna frakin’ give you what you want-you just better stick to our deal.
Lee: What? Is your plan to jump on me and bite my tounge out like you did last time?
Kara (shugs, ‘cause Lee just pegged her plan): If I recall Lee, that really turned you on.
Lee raises his eyebrow and looks at Kara silently for a moment.
Lee: I’m just another sucker, then I guess. I learn fast though: once bitten, twice shy.
Kara (mumbling quietly, awkward): You know I was really fraked up then, right?
Lee (smiles sadly, then nudges Kara’s shoulder): Yeah. Weren’t we all?
Kara: So, are you gonna help me get my stogies or not? [She smiles hopefully at Lee]
Getting a devious look, Lee leans over to Kara’s ear and whispers something into it.
Kara giggles and looks are the ceiling where she assumes the author lurks and then turns back to whisper in Lee’s ear. Lee shakes his head emphatically and wispers something back to Kara.
Kara (the Chesire-cat grin back): Fine, I’ll go along with it.
Lee (loudly, like a declaration): And now we prepare for our “Romantic Kiss”.
Author (elated): Oh, finally! You don’t know how often I’ve wished you two would do this! I always knew this was destined.
Lee (under his breath): Someone really needs to get a life.
Kara (to the author): Frakin’ cylon peace and love plan.…
Lee sighs heavily, then turns to Kara with that devious twinkle in his eyes.
Lee: Ok. Here we go. [He reaches beneath the bubbles and after some squirming from Kara finds her hands and lifts them to his mouth, kissing them while he stares deeply into her eyes, the says breathily:]. Kara, there is so much between us, its been impossible for me to be able to express how I feel about you.
Kara (surprised, then catching on): Uh…is this your..oh! I mean, yeah! Lee, I know exactly what you mean. Just four years ago you were about to be my annoyingly anal brother in law. Gods, I loved Zak, but even then, you were such a smug, righteous bastard I wanted to throw you against a wall and frak some of that arrogance out of you.
Lee (eyes bugging): You did!? [Kara gives him the eye while trying to act serious] Um…right-for some reason you are always able to get under my skin and I can’t shut you out. It’s so frustrating, being around you-you enjoy setting me off, pushing my buttons, I can’t control myself and it pisses me off! I dreamt of dragging you into storage closets and teaching you lessons-
Kara: Lee, you kinky bastard, I always wondered…
Lee (hurriedly cutting Kara off): …and then you were a total, raging bitch and it all went to hell.
Author: Uhhh, guys? This is not….
Kara (fed up): Frak this!
Lee (angrily): Shut up!
Lee continues (with an intense, penetrating look): You were my best friend, I was your CAG, but you made me want to break the rules.
Kara (rolls her eyes): Heh heh…well, you were always asking for it with your optimistic cheerleader routine, dropping that tiny towel you used whenever you were around me and flaunting your cute ass for all the women -I couldn’t stop myself.
Lee (fondly and a little drunkenly): You were always bending the rules, and daring me to call you on it! Bad mouthing authority, fleecing everyone of all their goods in triad, prancing around in your fraking grey panties and whispering poetry in my ear…
Kara: You always wanted to talk about feelings and that just made me…want to sma-I mean-FEEL you.
Lee (Huskily): Really?
Kara (overdramatic): Lee you big stud, just Kiss me already!
Lee (grins and rolls his eyes): As you wish.
Author: Sheesh, I should have known.
Lee [takes Kara’s Head in his hands and she moves into him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and before they even kiss Lee says-with a humorous fake moan]:
Oh, Kara!
Kara (bats her eyes like a shy maid, screeching in drunken parody): Oh Lee!
They kiss each other chastely on the lips, then pull away grinning and looking at each other slyly.
Author: Oh, you are soo not-
Oblivious to the unimpressed author, Lee and Kara haven’t broken eye contact since the chaste kiss. Lee gives Kara a lecherous smile and Kara gives him a slow, seductive grin-daring him to make a move. Suddenly, they are kissing A LOT less chastely. Hell, Lee has one hand grasping the back of Kara’s skull and the other around her waist, hauling her onto his lap. Kara’s eyebrows hit her hairline as she is raised into Lee’s lap, her torso rising above the foam like a tattoo covered, warrior-like Venus being birthed by lavender bubble bath. Lee is kissing Kara like a real Italian romance novel pro. His hands run up and down her foam slick back while his mouth hungrily caresses Kara’s. Kara-not to be outdone, shifts in the bath to wrap her legs around Lee. She grips his shoulder with one hand while her other hand runs through his hair, scratching his scalp with her nails and pulling Lee’s head up to her’s like a preying mantis consummating her latest conquest. There are insdistinct groans and senseless murmurs from our two heros. The kiss is getting more and more passionate, as Lee hauls Kara against his chest and Kara wraps her arms tight around him. Lee’s hands slip down Kara’s back and beneath the lavender bubbles to (one can only assume) grab her ass. Kara growls hungrily and nips Lee’s adorable lower lip.
Author (enthralled, gasps loudly): YES! Hot!naked!pilots! Finally!
Shocked out of their reverie by the authors’s comment, Lee and Kara jerk apart and stare at each other for a moment of almost-sobering horror and guilt.
Author (frantic): No! No! You don’t need to stop!
Lee lets Kara go and she slumps back, nearly submerged in the bubbles, momentarily stunned by the experience. Lee’s face and neck turn red as he notices Kara won’t meet his eyes and grabs the champagne and takes a rather long swig.
Kara (breathless): Whoa! [glances at Lee sideways for a moment with a worried expression, but quickly dons her Starbuck façade and snarks] O.K. We both frakin’ put on a show for that one, so you better put out now.
Author: The foreplay sucked, but I guess that made up for it.
Lee (smug): Damn right. Where are those stogies, you psycho cylon?
Kara (still breathless): Yeah, I need one.
Author (torn): You know tobacco is really bad for your health? How about some chocolate instead?
Lee and Kara (with great ire): NO!
Kara: The deal was Smokes, no frakin’ way can you change the terms!
Author: Fine! I’ve fallen this low-might as well go all out. I’ll give you something to smoke!
The author makes a cigar box appear next to Kara on the shelf of the bath.
Kara (Glee!): ALL RIGHT! That’s what I’m talking about!
Lee (smirking drunkly at Kara): I told you I knew what I was doing.
Kara opens the box and her face darkens: What the Frak is this!?
Lee sloshes across the tub to lean over the box and see what’s in it.
Lee (dismay clouding his features): Uh, those don’t look like cigars-at least, none that I know.
Author (calmly): Trust me, these are healthier, according to the research.
Kara (nearly roaring in disgust): I don’t give a FRACK about health benefits!
[Lee picks up the cigar sized , white paper encased object and sniffs it]
Lee: This isn’t tobacco, it smells like an herb.
Author: Well, that’s one term for it…
Kara: This was not the frakin’ deal!
Author: Don’t bash what you don’t know- I think you will really like these and there is no addictive side effect. You see, nicotine is addictive, whereas THC is…something else.
Lee (Whining): Oh, come on-I really went all out for you!
Author (encouragingly): Look, I can’t be responsible for supporting an unhealthy addiction, and this is the finest primary agricultural export of my state: Matanuska Gold.
Kara (glares at the blunt): Figures. ‘Should never make deals with cylons.
Author (pissed): Hey, I can make those disappear again-I’m not obligated to be nice you know.
Lee (frustrated): Fine-not like we have a choice, and I need to smoke something. Now.
Kara (belligerent): This shit can’t possibly beat a fine cigar.
[Kara grabs the provided lighter out of the cigar box and proceeds to light her blunt. Lee leans over and she lights his as well. They both stare with distrust at the smoking white rolls they each hold in their hand.]
Kara: What the frak have I got to lose? [she brings the blunt to her mouth and inhales]
Lee takes a careful toke. They both start coughing at the same time.
Kara: Gack! What is this stuff. [she coughs some more and grabs the champagne which Lee, red faced, begs from her when she is done]
Author (exasperated): I hope these help mellow you two out so we can get back to working out your issues.
….to be continued (egads)…
Will Lee and Kara attempt mutual personal hygiene while drunk and stoned? Will the insane duo sing along with Barry Manilow? Will they dance naked like college freshmen after midterms? The author hopes not.