Truth vs Lies
Lies, Truth. Call them whatever you want, they're often the same thing, or some tandematice derrivative of eachother. In the same way we set up contra accounts, Lies and Truths are contra statements in which you need both to get what you're looking for; Nothing. All the work and effort ammount to what? Satisfaction? Gratitude? No, you're just doing your job, there's no mandatory "thanks" so don't expect it. When you lie, usually it's an extension of the truth. When you tell the truth, you wish you had extended your lies. Nobody wants the truth. The truth is shit, you can't feed shit to people and think they'll like it. Even if you hover over them, smiling at your accomplishment, grinning at your sudden moment of clarity in which you actually said what you were thinking, what was true. The only thing you're going to get for it is loss. You will lose, telling the truth is like an automatic forfeit. If you lie, you'll have to lie more and more. You have to remember everything you do, everything you say. It all has to balance out or people will find out you're lying. Actually, people will always find out. Try to keep a secret, I dare you. The moment you let people in, the truth comes out. It just takes one person to slap you across the face and make you realize those truths, those lies. How can you ever win if all you can do is lose? Lately, I've been angry, confused, and short-tempered. I don't know what's the lie and what's the truth anymore. I want to straighten it all out but I can't. Because, I love the lies. They help, they make you special, interesting. They make people pay attention, they make people blush, they make people cry. If you could control someone that easily, just based on your words. If you had that kind of power, would you give it up so easily just to say you took "the righteous path"? There's a difference between having power and abusing power, mind you. And I'm not a proud person, nor am I selfish or for that matter selfless. I'm not one to brag or boast either, if you know me you'll know that the most. I never give myself credit where it is sorely due. Even in typing this I feel like I should just not bother and leave it as a "who did this for us? Bill?" "wasn't me". I do what I need to to get what I want, that is no crime. The problem I'm finding is that I hate myself more and more for what I've become. But it's exactly what I always wanted. People lie to me, a lot. "The difference is, the difference is" I know when they're lying. In my paranoia is the truth, which only makes it worse. I want to live the lie, I don't want the truth. The truth is cold and empty. The truth is shit, I'm not interested. In the lies though, when you feel things, when you say things, are they real? That's what I'm worried about, that nothing about me is real. That it's just all a big lie. Exactly what I want, but not at all. I'm a chameleon in the true sense of the definition. I can be whatever I need to be. I don't hold any sort of emotional attachment with anything. But God, do I want to. I need to learn to be real. A real boy, where's my shooting star? Where's my cricket with a fucking top hat and umbrella? I want to feel, I want to feel for real. I thought I did, once I did. Maybe even now I do, but I'd rather lie and say I don't so I don't lose what I've worked so hard, what I've done for the lie, and end up with nothing for it. But, I knew, I had to know in my steel heart of hearts that, just like all the lies, just like all the endings, I had nothing at the end all along. I never even had a chance, but I lied to myself, and committed to it saying "you can change, you can. Things change all the time, this will too".
And you know what? Nothing changed.
B!LL
And you know what? Nothing changed.
B!LL