It's a dirty job, but somebody's gotta do it
Scene 1: Afternoon, BARB’s house. BARB, NICKI, and MARGENE are working together in the kitchen.
MARGENE: I just don’t see how we’re going to manage if Bill takes a night off every week. He needs to understand that we have needs! I have needs! And they’re barely being met as it is.
NICKI: Oh Margene, stop thinking about yourself for a change and think about our husband. He works so hard for our family; he deserves a night off. Anyway, sex is for procreation, not recreation, and now that you’ve got a bun in the oven, you really ought to settle down and focus on your responsibilities.
[BARB, who has been unloading the dishwasher with her back to the others, straightens up and turns around.]
BARB: Wait a minute, Nicki. You know I respect your beliefs, but I don’t think you can be right about this. If sex is just for procreation, why did you sleep with Bill when you were pregnant? [NICKI opens her mouth to interject; BARB holds up a hand.] Stop it, don’t interrupt, you did sleep with him and we all know it. And if sex is only for procreation, that would mean I could never sleep with Bill at all, because I can’t - I can’t - [She trails off and turns her head away, putting a hand up to her eyes]
NICKI [leaning forward and putting a hand on BARB’s arm]: Oh Barb, honey, I’m sorry! You know I didn’t mean it like that!
BARB [swallowing hard]: Well then, what exactly did you mean?
NICKI: I - I guess I don’t know, really. It’s something my mothers always said. You know, you should think about them, Margene. They only get to be with my father a couple of times a month. And what about Brigham Young’s wives? You should think about them.
MARGENE: Oh, I don’t care what they do on your stupid old compound! Bill’s always telling us he doesn’t want us to live the way they do on the compound, anyway. He’s never even let me visit! This is the twenty-first century, and we live in Sandy.
BARB: Margie, settle down. You’re right that Bill has rejected the way they do things in Juniper Creek, but we still need to respect Nicki's family.
MARGENE: I’m sorry, Nicki. I’m just frustrated.
NICKI: I know, I am too, but we have to remember there’s a higher purpose at work here.
BARB: You know, it really is an interesting question, though, what sex is for. I mean of course it’s for having babies and bringing more souls into our family, but I think our heavenly Father has another purpose in mind. Sex helps me feel close to Bill. It helps me stay committed to him and to all of us as a family.
MARGENE [biting the tip of her forefinger]: You know, that makes me wonder about something.
BARB: What?
MARGENE: Well, we’re all married to each other too, right? I mean, we aren’t all just married to Bill. When I married Bill I married all of you. So if we’re all married to each other, how come we never sleep together?
NICKI: Margie, that’s disgusting.
MARGENE: It is not! You told me you shared a bed with your sister in Juniper Creek.
NICKI: That was different. That was because we didn’t have enough room. You have a whole house to yourself.
MARGENE: That’s the problem! When it’s not my night with Bill, I get lonely over there.
BARB: What do you mean, Margie? Do you mean we should just sleep in the same bed, like a slumber party? Or -
MARGENE: Well, that would be part of it. [Rubs her hand slowly up and down BARB’s forearm] But not all of it. We could do . . . other stuff.
NICKI: Margene! I can’t believe you’re saying this. Let go of Barb’s arm, right now!
MARGENE: Not unless Barb tells me to. You’re not the boss of me.
BARB: No, Margie, don’t stop. It - it feels good.
MARGENE: How about this? Does this feel good, too? [She takes a step toward Barb, puts her other hand on Barb’s cheek and kisses her on the lips. BARB starts to pull away, then stops and kisses her back.]
BARB [a little breathless]: Yes. Yes, Margie, kiss me again. [They kiss]
NICKI [trying to pull them apart]: Barb, I can’t believe this! Well, I believe it about Marge, we all know her past, she’s capable of anything. But you!
BARB: Nicki, I think Margie’s right about this. It must be okay; we’re married. [She takes Nicki’s hand]
NICKI: I - I never heard of such a thing. [But she doesn’t pull her hand away]
MARGENE: Maybe your mothers didn’t tell you everything. I bet this is how Brigham Young’s wives managed.
BARB: The Principle is finally starting to make sense. I’ve been so worried about Bill wanting a fourth wife, but -
MARGENE: The more the merrier. More people to love. Let’s let Bill have his night off, Barb.
BARB: Nicki, you know how I said I never really had a testimony for the Principle? I think I’m starting to get one.
NICKI: Do you think we should tell Bill?
BARB: If you do, I’ll tell him how much that new TV set of yours cost.
NICKI: Bill does have so much to think about. We should ease his burden [she moves closer to BARB and MARGENE]. Barb, don’t you want to kiss me, too? I know I’m not as attractive as Margene, but do you think I’m pretty?
BARB: Nicki, you’re beautiful. [They kiss]
[Fade to black]
Scene 2: Night, BARB’s house. BILL is sitting on the living room sofa, watching TV. BARB enters, wearing a peach-colored nightgown and matching robe and carrying a toothbrush down at her side. BILL looks up and mutes the TV.
BILL: Barb, honey, I really appreciate your understanding about my needing a night off [He stands up and kisses her lightly].
BARB: Bill, I love you so much. I want you to have what you need.
BILL: You’re the best. [Looking at her attire] Are you going to bed already? It’s only seven o’clock.
BARB: No, I - I’m going over to Margie’s house to make popcorn. I’m going to sleep over there and give you some privacy with the kids. Nicki’s coming too. The boys are up in Teenie’s room.
BILL: So, it’s kind of a slumber party?
BARB: Something like that.
BILL: I’m glad to see the three of you getting along. Have a good time. I’ll hold down the fort.
BARB: Thanks, Bill. See you in the morning.
BILL: Good night.
[They kiss again. BARB turns, slowly, and walks out of the room. BILL clicks off the TV, crosses to the staircase, and starts walking up.]
BILL [calling up the stairs]: Hey, kids! Who wants to play Monopoly?
[Fade to black]
Scene 3: A few minutes later, MARGENE’s kitchen. MARGENE and NICKI are leaning against the counter, watching popcorn spill from a hot-air popper into a bowl. MARGENE is wearing pale blue baby-doll pajamas trimmed with lace. The top falls open below her breasts, exposing her navel. NICKI is wearing one of her long-sleeved, homemade Juniper Creek nightgowns. BARB enters.
BARB [sighing]: Well, I said good night to Bill. He thinks this is a slumber party. Now that we’re actually doing this, I’m having second thoughts. I feel like I’m deceiving him.
MARGENE: Barb, it is a slumber party! We’re making popcorn and look, I rented a movie.
NICKI [looking at the DVD box]: Personal Best? I never heard of that.
MARGENE: It’s old, but it looks really good.
BARB: There’s nothing wrong with watching a movie, but -
NICKI: Barb, Bill doesn’t have to know everything. You’ve said that often enough yourself.
BARB: That’s true.
MARGENE [pouring melted butter over the popcorn in the bowl]: Popcorn’s ready!
NICKI [reaching for BARB’s hand]: Come on, Barb. Let’s set up the TV.