Fic: Boy Officers and Girl Officers || Fandom: Red Dwarf
Fandom: Red Dwarf
Pairings: Lister x Kochanski, mild Lister x Rimmer (if you squint)
Rating: PG
Title: Boy Officers and Girl Officers
Summary: Drabble. Rimmer and Lister have an argument about Kochanski. Edit: At first I thought this could be set any time during Season Seven before he leaves to be Ace, but now that I look at the episode list, Ouroboros takes place right after Stoke me a Clipper which means that this is essentially all taking place in poor Lister's mind. Probably during Blue.
Crossposted: reddwarffanfic, allfandomfics and reddwarfslash.
"Yeh know what your problem is, eh, Rimmer?"
"No. No. Do care to enlighten me."
"Well, I've got you figured out, eh? I mean, you say you don' like her 'cause she's all wrong for me an' that. But I know what you're really like, Rimmer. I know you can't stand that she's an officer an' you're not. You like being in charge, an' now with her around, you're not in charge anymore."
"All right, you caught me out. But the two are linked, m'laddo. I mean, haven't you ever considered the fact that she's a woman,"
"Yeah?"
"Well, she's a woman and she outranks you. How perverse is that?"
"I don' really follow you, Arnold. I don' suppose you could break it down for me, like."
"Far be it for me to disparage the fairer sex."
"What do you mean? Tha's exactly what you're doin'!"
"Would you let me finish? As I said before I was so rudely interrupted, and as I have had to remind you time and time again, she's out of your league. And besides, the moment you annoy her she'll hold it against you for the rest of your life. Female officers aren't like male officers. Oh, no. No, Lister. Females can hold a grudge. For the longest time."
"So all those male officers who hate yeh were jus' abnormalities, then. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense, come to think o' it. Thank you, Rimmer. Without your intuitive outlook on the matters of the human psyche, I can see I would've made an 'orrible, 'orrible mistake."
"Mark me, Listy, you're in for a world of trouble if you go barking up that alley. You're from different worlds. She likes her food to come from a grocer's--not a box."
"All food comes from a box in outer space."
"That's not what I meant. You know what I'm trying to say!"
"Yeh. You just spent the last five minutes of your afterlife tellin' me what I already know. Yeh're a sexist pig, Rimmer, and you'll never be happy if yeh continue to view women as some alien species. They're not, they're people, y'know? Real people with emotions and feelin's like anyone else. An' there's not that much diff'rence between a boy officer and a girl officer, really. Just means you're willin' to work really hard an' that. That's all it is."
"Wrong. It means you went to the right schools, had the right background, the right upbringing. The right friends. You're a slob, unsophisticated. You'll bore her to death with your idiotic love twaddle. A woman like that needs to be intellectually engaged, stimulated--"
"Stimulated?"
"Could you get your head out of your pants and start listening for a moment? The mechanoid doesn't like her either!"
"Yeah, but we're workin' on that. It's in his programmin' to take care of us and feel needed. He's just worried that she'll take his place. It's almost cultural, like."
"Well, I shouldn't worry then, if I were him. We've both seen your laundry, Lister. No woman in her right mind wouldn't run screaming after coming head-to-head with your dirty socks."
"Exactly. Wait. What's wrong with me socks?"
"What's wrong with them? They smell like an dyspeptic orangutan's bowel movements, that's what's wrong with them. Living with you, Listy, the only thing I regret about being converted to hard light is my renewed sense of smell."
"Well, I'll just have to sprinkle me feet with cologne or something. No prob."
"Oh, what's the use. You'll mess it up. I'm just glad I'll be there to say I told you so."
Pairings: Lister x Kochanski, mild Lister x Rimmer (if you squint)
Rating: PG
Title: Boy Officers and Girl Officers
Summary: Drabble. Rimmer and Lister have an argument about Kochanski. Edit: At first I thought this could be set any time during Season Seven before he leaves to be Ace, but now that I look at the episode list, Ouroboros takes place right after Stoke me a Clipper which means that this is essentially all taking place in poor Lister's mind. Probably during Blue.
Crossposted: reddwarffanfic, allfandomfics and reddwarfslash.
"Yeh know what your problem is, eh, Rimmer?"
"No. No. Do care to enlighten me."
"Well, I've got you figured out, eh? I mean, you say you don' like her 'cause she's all wrong for me an' that. But I know what you're really like, Rimmer. I know you can't stand that she's an officer an' you're not. You like being in charge, an' now with her around, you're not in charge anymore."
"All right, you caught me out. But the two are linked, m'laddo. I mean, haven't you ever considered the fact that she's a woman,"
"Yeah?"
"Well, she's a woman and she outranks you. How perverse is that?"
"I don' really follow you, Arnold. I don' suppose you could break it down for me, like."
"Far be it for me to disparage the fairer sex."
"What do you mean? Tha's exactly what you're doin'!"
"Would you let me finish? As I said before I was so rudely interrupted, and as I have had to remind you time and time again, she's out of your league. And besides, the moment you annoy her she'll hold it against you for the rest of your life. Female officers aren't like male officers. Oh, no. No, Lister. Females can hold a grudge. For the longest time."
"So all those male officers who hate yeh were jus' abnormalities, then. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense, come to think o' it. Thank you, Rimmer. Without your intuitive outlook on the matters of the human psyche, I can see I would've made an 'orrible, 'orrible mistake."
"Mark me, Listy, you're in for a world of trouble if you go barking up that alley. You're from different worlds. She likes her food to come from a grocer's--not a box."
"All food comes from a box in outer space."
"That's not what I meant. You know what I'm trying to say!"
"Yeh. You just spent the last five minutes of your afterlife tellin' me what I already know. Yeh're a sexist pig, Rimmer, and you'll never be happy if yeh continue to view women as some alien species. They're not, they're people, y'know? Real people with emotions and feelin's like anyone else. An' there's not that much diff'rence between a boy officer and a girl officer, really. Just means you're willin' to work really hard an' that. That's all it is."
"Wrong. It means you went to the right schools, had the right background, the right upbringing. The right friends. You're a slob, unsophisticated. You'll bore her to death with your idiotic love twaddle. A woman like that needs to be intellectually engaged, stimulated--"
"Stimulated?"
"Could you get your head out of your pants and start listening for a moment? The mechanoid doesn't like her either!"
"Yeah, but we're workin' on that. It's in his programmin' to take care of us and feel needed. He's just worried that she'll take his place. It's almost cultural, like."
"Well, I shouldn't worry then, if I were him. We've both seen your laundry, Lister. No woman in her right mind wouldn't run screaming after coming head-to-head with your dirty socks."
"Exactly. Wait. What's wrong with me socks?"
"What's wrong with them? They smell like an dyspeptic orangutan's bowel movements, that's what's wrong with them. Living with you, Listy, the only thing I regret about being converted to hard light is my renewed sense of smell."
"Well, I'll just have to sprinkle me feet with cologne or something. No prob."
"Oh, what's the use. You'll mess it up. I'm just glad I'll be there to say I told you so."