Whining/ranting
My self esteem has, well, I'ma just start whining now,
I lost most of my self esteem this morning from the simple realization that msot of my aunts points were true. She went off at me because I'd gone and played an hour and a half of computer games after getting up.
i) You don't try hard enough to get a job.
This one's almost certianly true, I make excuses to myself and others, I don't actually do anything about finding one.
ii) Your messy
About the only point I'lkl disagree with, she was refering to my hair, which while it does tend to be random in it's disposition (falling all over hte place), for the purposes of any form of interview it -is- brushed, and because I surrender to the force of the wind, I actually carry a hairbrush around with me most of hte item to fix it.
iii) You run away from your problems and play computer games
It's true, when confronted with stuff I have a tendency to retreat to what I consider my space so I can restore my equilibrium without starting a screaming match with people. I've done it for years. I use computer games for escapism...
iv) At this rate you'll ammount to nothing
It sucks having my fears relayed to me by others who I hadn't actually voiced them to, I have no idea what I'm doing with my life.. I just don't know, at the moment I don't -care- about life after Uni, I'm tryign to enjoy Uni for Uni's sake...
I'm so going to end up being here forever, I can see it now...
Which of course, all of this stacks with earlier comments to do with my lack of work ethic, how bad I am at following through with plans, the fact that I've procrastinated about doing some things for no real reason.. Like putting job applications into palces, I could have done that by now. I have the CV sitting in my student email, I just have to print it and walk around handing it into places.
Comments, which frankly, I can't argue with.
Infact the only comment I would dispute at all is the comment about my hair, whichw as actually termed, your hair is dirty.
Just because I had yet to have the days shower, and so hadn't brushed it yet.
Oh yes, the one thign that made me -sure- I wanted out of this house.
Her other main reason for sayign I'm a slacker,
I don't VOLUNTEAR to do things around the house, I only do everything she tells me to.
Well I'm sorry, but I thought that you would tell me to do everything you wanted done, it's not that hard of a concept is it? Tell the person what you want done rather than expecting them to just wander around committing random good deeds, huh?
Of course, part of me is insiting that part of my apathy towards actually finding a job is beign generated fromt he CONSTANT PRESSURE to go get one, y'know? I do have stubbornness on my side with this one. I know I should get a job, I want to get a job (slightly), and eventually it stands to reason i will get a job. But telling me every day that I haven't been doing enough, when I felt like I was working my hardest to try and get a job, has led me to a state where I figure I may as well be slack about it because, hey, no matter what I do your gonna keep yelling at me for not doing enough work, right?
God damn I hate dealing with some people. Thing was she was one of my more favourite people before i took up living here. But then, I always knew that she was this way really. She used to reorganize the cupboards everytime they came to visit my grandparents (For about a week, she'd come, she'd go, the cupboards woudl be tidy, but everythign would be in the WORNG place, and then she'd come again 6 months later and do it all over again, I don't think any of us(dad, step-mom, grandparents, the cousins and aunt that lived closer than her) liked it.
Enough ranting for me.
In other news, I made myself a new live journal, just bcause I can now that invite codes are gone, so:
ConfusionTempst
Yes, I do know thats misspelt, they have a 15 character cap on user names, so I'm not allowed to have it spelt properly.
I can feel my mind falling apart.. I don't like my aunts house, I want to leave it desperately, regardless of the rightness fo what she said, I can't stnad to live in the same house as her anymore. I'll be able to tolerate it for however many weeks I have to, but only in the certain knowledge that I will be leaving. The sooner I'm in a flat, the better.