'How To Be A Desput' -or- 'Wot Evry Tutor Nedes to Now'
How To Giv Lesuns
Step one: Sit behind yor desk and look v. v. WISE and INSCURTABLE. Havving a pipe helps also perhaps a robe with a hood. Wate for students to stop chuking bits of bunjy, papers, inkwells, dead rats, foopballs, knievs, old tomatoes ect ect.
Step two: After it becom evidint by the clock that the torent is in no dangir of stoping below, 'Rite now, enuogh nonsense, sit down or the lot of you will get six'. Bang yor cane on the desk for Emfasis'. Discovver too late that the cane has been sawwed thruogh and clevverly held togethir by sawdust and gum.
You now hav the new Mark One Extra Short Cane (Sutable For Recalkitrent Midjits). Class rore with apreshitive larfter, jeers, catcalls, ect.
Step Three: Restore order by shouting til the vane in yor foerhed goes 'ping'. Threten disembowlmint, defenistration, deten, 10,000 lines, wacks on the nuckels for all w. razor sharp iron ruller.
When class setels down at last, go to the blackbored and write up soemthing like: 'BOTINY: Describe the alchmickal propertys of wickir and bamboo respectively and explane why they are or are not analojous to wood with respeckt to the vampiric Constitushun'.
A torent of spit balls fly thruogh the air when yor Majestick back is truned. Just as you turn round to demand to know wot is going on, you catch a spit wod in the earhole and an ink botel crash on the blackbored.
Step Four: TURN INTO A RAVING LOONEY FOR THE NEXT FIVE MIN
Step Five: Enter names into the Punishmint Book. Cast a steley eyed glowwer around the room wich freezes the atmosfeer by 20 degrees. Icickles grow from the windowpanes, the clock stop in its tracks, a ghastly shudder is heard to grone from the pipes, ect. ect.
All students are bisy copying out 20 pages of Catullus and assorted Latin Phrasis (Dissipline of the corpus and dissiplin of the mentus go hand in hand hem hem). The room is steped in Learning, Dilligence, and Plots of Mutiny held under the breth.
A student raises a quavering hand. Glare at him with a lothesome Vissage (TM) and demand in a voice to curdel the blud, 'WELL, BOY?'
'Plese sir, you hav got some ink on yor face.'
Step Six: REPEAT STEP FOUR
Step Seven: Tell the litel roters that you are not wasting yor time if they are not going to put forth any Effort. Write up on the blackbored asinements for Histry, Geografy, Demonology, Alkemmy, Latin, Geom, Alg, Astronomy, Prinsiples of Stalking, Hunting Theory, and an essay on 'How to Show Propir Respect For My Educashun', due on yor desk tomorow evening at three o'clock sharp.
Swepe forth from the rum with yor Academick Robes traling behind you majestickly
Step Eight: Fortify yorself with a cup of gin tea and a confiskated copy of Dick Turpin, The Highwayman efifying tome and order a gross of new kanes.
Step one: Sit behind yor desk and look v. v. WISE and INSCURTABLE. Havving a pipe helps also perhaps a robe with a hood. Wate for students to stop chuking bits of bunjy, papers, inkwells, dead rats, foopballs, knievs, old tomatoes ect ect.
Step two: After it becom evidint by the clock that the torent is in no dangir of stoping below, 'Rite now, enuogh nonsense, sit down or the lot of you will get six'. Bang yor cane on the desk for Emfasis'. Discovver too late that the cane has been sawwed thruogh and clevverly held togethir by sawdust and gum.
You now hav the new Mark One Extra Short Cane (Sutable For Recalkitrent Midjits). Class rore with apreshitive larfter, jeers, catcalls, ect.
Step Three: Restore order by shouting til the vane in yor foerhed goes 'ping'. Threten disembowlmint, defenistration, deten, 10,000 lines, wacks on the nuckels for all w. razor sharp iron ruller.
When class setels down at last, go to the blackbored and write up soemthing like: 'BOTINY: Describe the alchmickal propertys of wickir and bamboo respectively and explane why they are or are not analojous to wood with respeckt to the vampiric Constitushun'.
A torent of spit balls fly thruogh the air when yor Majestick back is truned. Just as you turn round to demand to know wot is going on, you catch a spit wod in the earhole and an ink botel crash on the blackbored.
Step Four: TURN INTO A RAVING LOONEY FOR THE NEXT FIVE MIN
Step Five: Enter names into the Punishmint Book. Cast a steley eyed glowwer around the room wich freezes the atmosfeer by 20 degrees. Icickles grow from the windowpanes, the clock stop in its tracks, a ghastly shudder is heard to grone from the pipes, ect. ect.
All students are bisy copying out 20 pages of Catullus and assorted Latin Phrasis (Dissipline of the corpus and dissiplin of the mentus go hand in hand hem hem). The room is steped in Learning, Dilligence, and Plots of Mutiny held under the breth.
A student raises a quavering hand. Glare at him with a lothesome Vissage (TM) and demand in a voice to curdel the blud, 'WELL, BOY?'
'Plese sir, you hav got some ink on yor face.'
Step Six: REPEAT STEP FOUR
Step Seven: Tell the litel roters that you are not wasting yor time if they are not going to put forth any Effort. Write up on the blackbored asinements for Histry, Geografy, Demonology, Alkemmy, Latin, Geom, Alg, Astronomy, Prinsiples of Stalking, Hunting Theory, and an essay on 'How to Show Propir Respect For My Educashun', due on yor desk tomorow evening at three o'clock sharp.
Swepe forth from the rum with yor Academick Robes traling behind you majestickly
Step Eight: Fortify yorself with a cup of gin tea and a confiskated copy of Dick Turpin, The Highwayman efifying tome and order a gross of new kanes.