more complaining- warning
SO, my dad has to drive me around for a while. Which is tres suck b/c every miniscule detail in the world infuriates him.
I feel it necessary to educate the world on my dad's utter ... brutality.
This morning (dropping me off by the bus) the sidewalk by old denny's was full, and he screams: Great! Now what am I sposed to do.
I tell him he should just pull in the parking lot (it's great for parking) but he interupts that b/c a truck is slowly coming out/ trying to merge into traffic or whatever and my dad screams: Come on you stupid mexicans! Go back where ya belong!!
I tore my seatbelt off and bolted. I didn't know what to do with myself... so disgusting and creepy. I want to run away every time i think of having to be in a car with him any longer.
I've come to the realization that, while I love my parents on some level (somewhere), and feel guilty-- our relationship is toxic. I've also concluded that it's critically important for me to do something about it- but once I speak my mind, I won't be able to live in this house anymore. There is so much that needs to be said- that I've never said. And while I'm devaluing myself if I allow this muting to go on any longer... I don't know how to talk to them or write a letter or leave or whatever form my sudden communication- will make it into my dad'd head.
I keep thinking I should probably be approachiing it positively- but I have to tell him (for me) that I haven't had many positive experiences-- and it's quite frankly I need to take into the account- that I've been angry for 19years- and ... I guess I'm kind of invested in the energy from that right now. I'm hurt but I can only feel mad and... I can't let go of that right now.
It's terrrible to feel like I don't even want to fix things- he'll just lash out like I expect and I can run- but that's not really reality is it? But I seriously... he doesn't respect me. That's just it and I can't do anything to change him- I can only help myself- and to do that... I need to be my own authority.
My whole life it's like I'm a baby and they dont want me to try to walk in the real world- cuz they don't trust it. But they don't understand that I have to live another world than them- and if they won't let me fall, I'll never try to balance in my own world.
I feel it necessary to educate the world on my dad's utter ... brutality.
This morning (dropping me off by the bus) the sidewalk by old denny's was full, and he screams: Great! Now what am I sposed to do.
I tell him he should just pull in the parking lot (it's great for parking) but he interupts that b/c a truck is slowly coming out/ trying to merge into traffic or whatever and my dad screams: Come on you stupid mexicans! Go back where ya belong!!
I tore my seatbelt off and bolted. I didn't know what to do with myself... so disgusting and creepy. I want to run away every time i think of having to be in a car with him any longer.
I've come to the realization that, while I love my parents on some level (somewhere), and feel guilty-- our relationship is toxic. I've also concluded that it's critically important for me to do something about it- but once I speak my mind, I won't be able to live in this house anymore. There is so much that needs to be said- that I've never said. And while I'm devaluing myself if I allow this muting to go on any longer... I don't know how to talk to them or write a letter or leave or whatever form my sudden communication- will make it into my dad'd head.
I keep thinking I should probably be approachiing it positively- but I have to tell him (for me) that I haven't had many positive experiences-- and it's quite frankly I need to take into the account- that I've been angry for 19years- and ... I guess I'm kind of invested in the energy from that right now. I'm hurt but I can only feel mad and... I can't let go of that right now.
It's terrrible to feel like I don't even want to fix things- he'll just lash out like I expect and I can run- but that's not really reality is it? But I seriously... he doesn't respect me. That's just it and I can't do anything to change him- I can only help myself- and to do that... I need to be my own authority.
My whole life it's like I'm a baby and they dont want me to try to walk in the real world- cuz they don't trust it. But they don't understand that I have to live another world than them- and if they won't let me fall, I'll never try to balance in my own world.