So, is this a bad father?

[dyfferent]

H, a 42-year-old writer, lives in Notting Hill, West London, with his executive wife C and their sons Constantin, 12, and Ivan, ten.

The lies started when my eldest son was less than ten months old.

Comments

[wyliekat]

In one sentence, this is why he's a bad parent:

So how have we reached this point where so many intelligent men are subverting their own needs and desires to that of their children?

The answer is because women now expect their partners to shoulder part of the load, so that we're not the only ones subverting our needs to that of our children.

The sad truth is, parenting can be incredibly boring, tedious and mind-numbing. And it takes effort to engage with them, to enjoy what they enjoy, to be there for them even if we aren't wildly interested in it. That's what you do for those you love. I don't always want to hear, in infinite detail, about what my husband has done at work. I don't always want to play put the hat on the child, doll, myself fifty times a day. But you know what? It makes my daughter happy when we play that. I find that a noble endeavour.

I mean, I don't believe anyone should subsume themselves utterly in the role of parent. I don't think it's unreasonable to admit boredom But that doens't mean you beg off. It's your job, and like any job, it has it's boring stuff.

[dyfferent]

The original parent is a woman, and I changed all the references to men, and any references to her nanny as to 'the wife' instead.

Women in the UK seem about ready to lynch this woman for her article but I thought it sounded more like something a man would say and nobody would blink, so I changed it to see what you thought.

Article link is in there, made the text red.

[wyliekat]

Very interesting. Wow. Do I still think she's a bad parent? Yes, absolutely. If that's how she behaves with her children, she had no business giving birth.

Still, you make a fine point. I think I was more quick to judge because it was a man. That it was a woman gave me pause. The end judgement is the same, but it took more to get there, if that makes sense.

[dyfferent]

I think in general there is a lot more EXPECTED of a woman's parenting (quantity of daily grind and face time spent etc) than a man's.

The fact that the article writer goes on at length to discuss how s/he is not involved in the kids' daily grind makes it startling because it's a man (although the fact that the author works from home helps make it slightly more plausible).

It would be MUCH less startling if the man talked about all the parenting he DOES do, because the daily things like making the lunches are more unusal if done by a man than if they are NOT done by a man. So he kind of looks like a whinger when it's a he, rather than just startlingly callous if it's a she.

I notice too that the NUMEROUS references to gender look really odd when spoken by a man, like he's really wrapped up in tying his lack of attachment to the kids to his gender. But they are the exact same references the woman writer made, simply gender switched!