Disappoinments
It's sorta disappointing to see that no matter what you do, you can't live and you can't die. I stole B-chan's whole collection of pills (and that girl is fucked up enough to get the worst kind) and took them with a bottle of Jägermeister (alc) ... and absolutely nothing happened.
I mean ... one would expect something to happen, but it didn't.
Okay, I do admit that I did a rather half-assed job on this. I just couldn't really be bothered. But I had some nice dreams. That kinda rocked.
I just wonder why I keep running. Tam once asked me if I wasn't getting tired. Well, I am tired. I hated doing something I do not want to do.
It's not like I really wanna die. I'm too much in love with life and well ... I don't wanna run either.
In the end the people who aren't responsible for anything have to pay.
It's not Fishy-kun's fault that my father's an asshole. It's not my family's faul that my 'grandmother' is a cunt and yet I made them pay.
It's such a stereotypical thing really ... to live through this whole teenage angst brigade shit and I just wanna get out.
I know what I want and yet ...
I love my father so much. He doesn't deserve my love. He's slowly killing me with his indifference.
If I could get hate at least. I can live with hate. I can deal with hate. But not with indifference.
I just ... I don't know.
I just wanna live on and find the strength to say goodbye to him forever. He is the person I truly want to tell to fuck off.
Instead I push others away.
But Annemarie called me on my birthday anyway. That was good.
I got a txt from Kathy. It didn't arrive in time, but it was nice anyway.
This is all very confusing. It's confusing me as well.
So much has happened these past days.
I've hurt my family, my friends ............. I hurt my brother. I hate hurting him. When I look into these huge, brown eyes that look like they could belong to Audrey Hepburn's son I hate myself.
I hurt so many people and I didn't want to.
My application for Sweden has been sent. I hope it'll be accepted. And I hope I either get to do the thing in Stockholm or the old people thing in Örebro ... or whatever it was called. x_x It also involves singing with kiddies in the choir. I'm okay at singing so this would be kinda cool. Also the city/town is not that huge. x_x
I have enough of large cities for quite some time. For the country side people this may sound weird, but you change in big cities. You become ... hmmm. Harder and harsher, I guess. Which I hate. ._.
Blergh.
My bro gave me this Swedish textbook for my birthday. x_X;;; Baaaaaaaah. Their spelling is just as fucked up as the Norwegian one. Not that German is easier. XD~ For one sound we have 5+ spelling possibilities. And we tend to say things we don't write. x_x
Anyways ... I decided to write a letter to my dad. I do not wish to stay in touch with him anymore. It just hurts. And it shouldn't.
Or may grandmother ... God ... she called on my 20th birthday and the first thing she asked was if my birthday was then or on New Year's Eve .................................... I invited her to come over (it was 5 PM).
Me: Would you like to come over? =^_^=
Her: NO! ... I don't go out that late. ^^;;;
What a big, fat lie.
She told me to come over to hers and get my present some time. Fuck her. I don't want her money. I need it, but I'd rather live on the streets than accept anything from her.
What kind of grandmother is that?!
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
My other grandmother who isn't really my grandmother ... like ... we don't have the same blood and everything dragged herself to my party although she's ill and lost her husband just six months ago and doesn't feel like partying at all. And she played silly games with me and shit.
Why can't my real grandmother be a real grandmother?
I love my granny. She may be a 'fake' one in the sense of blood, but blood doesn't matter. If it was like that I wouldn't have a family at all.
I just hate this. I hate how these people treat me and that's why I need to end this. I can't stay in touch with them like this.
Well ... maybe I'll talk to my dad again in a couple of years. But not now. What he did hurt too much.
Oh well.
Yes.
I'm alive.
Cheers.
I mean ... one would expect something to happen, but it didn't.
Okay, I do admit that I did a rather half-assed job on this. I just couldn't really be bothered. But I had some nice dreams. That kinda rocked.
I just wonder why I keep running. Tam once asked me if I wasn't getting tired. Well, I am tired. I hated doing something I do not want to do.
It's not like I really wanna die. I'm too much in love with life and well ... I don't wanna run either.
In the end the people who aren't responsible for anything have to pay.
It's not Fishy-kun's fault that my father's an asshole. It's not my family's faul that my 'grandmother' is a cunt and yet I made them pay.
It's such a stereotypical thing really ... to live through this whole teenage angst brigade shit and I just wanna get out.
I know what I want and yet ...
I love my father so much. He doesn't deserve my love. He's slowly killing me with his indifference.
If I could get hate at least. I can live with hate. I can deal with hate. But not with indifference.
I just ... I don't know.
I just wanna live on and find the strength to say goodbye to him forever. He is the person I truly want to tell to fuck off.
Instead I push others away.
But Annemarie called me on my birthday anyway. That was good.
I got a txt from Kathy. It didn't arrive in time, but it was nice anyway.
This is all very confusing. It's confusing me as well.
So much has happened these past days.
I've hurt my family, my friends ............. I hurt my brother. I hate hurting him. When I look into these huge, brown eyes that look like they could belong to Audrey Hepburn's son I hate myself.
I hurt so many people and I didn't want to.
My application for Sweden has been sent. I hope it'll be accepted. And I hope I either get to do the thing in Stockholm or the old people thing in Örebro ... or whatever it was called. x_x It also involves singing with kiddies in the choir. I'm okay at singing so this would be kinda cool. Also the city/town is not that huge. x_x
I have enough of large cities for quite some time. For the country side people this may sound weird, but you change in big cities. You become ... hmmm. Harder and harsher, I guess. Which I hate. ._.
Blergh.
My bro gave me this Swedish textbook for my birthday. x_X;;; Baaaaaaaah. Their spelling is just as fucked up as the Norwegian one. Not that German is easier. XD~ For one sound we have 5+ spelling possibilities. And we tend to say things we don't write. x_x
Anyways ... I decided to write a letter to my dad. I do not wish to stay in touch with him anymore. It just hurts. And it shouldn't.
Or may grandmother ... God ... she called on my 20th birthday and the first thing she asked was if my birthday was then or on New Year's Eve .................................... I invited her to come over (it was 5 PM).
Me: Would you like to come over? =^_^=
Her: NO! ... I don't go out that late. ^^;;;
What a big, fat lie.
She told me to come over to hers and get my present some time. Fuck her. I don't want her money. I need it, but I'd rather live on the streets than accept anything from her.
What kind of grandmother is that?!
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
My other grandmother who isn't really my grandmother ... like ... we don't have the same blood and everything dragged herself to my party although she's ill and lost her husband just six months ago and doesn't feel like partying at all. And she played silly games with me and shit.
Why can't my real grandmother be a real grandmother?
I love my granny. She may be a 'fake' one in the sense of blood, but blood doesn't matter. If it was like that I wouldn't have a family at all.
I just hate this. I hate how these people treat me and that's why I need to end this. I can't stay in touch with them like this.
Well ... maybe I'll talk to my dad again in a couple of years. But not now. What he did hurt too much.
Oh well.
Yes.
I'm alive.
Cheers.