I feel a fever coming on me burning out of control
I don't know what to do.
I hate this. I hate this situation. I hate this situation I've been thrown into. I wish my life was easy. I wish it was as easy as some of my friends seem to have it. Their parents have good, steady jobs and they can afford to go to school. They have everything together. They're content.
This homelessness thing- it's terrible. Staying with other people- moving from city to city- we can't be doing this. Not the rest of our lives. We have to be alone. We work better alone. I feel helpless because at this point there's not much I can do. If there is, I don't know where to begin. There's so many things I don't know. There's so many things I wish I knew.
I wish the doctors my mom deals with weren't stingy and lazy and would give her more working hours. Enough to keep us stable and together again.
I wish we could find a nice, affordable flat. Someplace where we'd have privacy, the way we like it.
I wish I could find a job-
and finally start being self reliant.
And getting things done. By myself.
It could be like it was before.
Maybe then I could be happy.
Maybe we could be happy.
But I'm wishing for too much.
I just submitted an application to be enrolled into a new college- miles away from my old one at Mesa. Mira Costa College in Oceanside. The thing is- I didn't do too well in any of my last classes (partly my fault, partly the fault of my terrible instructors and the fact I put up with them the entire year), and I'm afraid that I'd be required to submit transcripts of my humiliating grades. Or worse, that they'd be brought to upfront attention. That's one thing I don't like about myself- I can't accept it. I can't let other people know that I make mistakes, that I of all people have failed at something. I can't let people know that, it burns me. It burns me inside. I was smart as a kid, and I'm supposed to be smart now. Where did that promise go? I'm supposed have everything together. I'm 20 years old, why don't I have my life figured out? what am I doing with myself? What am I going to do with myself? Why can't I do this? Why can't I have everything together?
This superiority complex I have- it's getting the better of me. I know it's there. It's there everyday- so why won't it go away if I want it to?
No one would want to put up with my insecurity. I don't know how they have before. I'm positive it's why I keep my distance from people. It saves them the trouble. I'm such a good person.
About the college itself- I applied like I was a completely new student. I sincerely hope I'm not berated or won't be allowed to register for classes for withholding information or anything like that. I got into a spat with my mother this morning. I can't even register at Mesa like I should as a back-up plan- like I promised my mother- because I've been put on academic suspension. I'd have to see a counselor in person to lift the hold, but I'm 200 miles away in an unescapable city and I have no transportation. I'm trapped here. And I can't ask her. And no one else would do that for me.
Because we live day-to-day, there's no saying where we'll be tomorrow, or the day after that, or the week after that. How can I figure out where I go to school If I don't even have a stable home? I can't be asking mom about these things- she's under a lot of pressure and rarely has an answer. And when she does its never, ever pleasant.
She tells me to work something out, because what If we couldn't get the money (and financial aid) for a private art school? What if It doesn't work out? I should be prepared to go to a UC. I know she wasn't criticizing my artistic merit, but I can't help but feel like she is anyway.
Applying, keeping track of everything, this process is so confusing. I aware that there's not much to really even do, but it seems like a lot to me. A lot to remember- especially because I'm pressured to know everything already. And I'm too embarrassed to ask for help. I can't let people know I need help. Not me. You can't set the world at someone else's feet/ and not be trampled on underneath.
I can't tell my mother. Not so much that I'm afraid of her but... I feel so ashamed. After all she's done and still is trying to do for me, I can't give her anything. I'm not productive, I have no job, I don't make art, I can drive but don't have a car or license, I'm not in school... just... ugh. How can I live with myself everyday? What am I going to do? If she knew, she'd be so disappointed in me. She's counting on me so much- I'm her only child. I have to do this right.
I feel like I don't deserve anything. Anything that I'm lucky enough to have.
The working process for the application to go in is about 5-7 days. Let's see, It's the 7th today. I won't be able to register for classes until well into next week- and by then all the classes I want/need to take might already be gone. Or maybe they won't. I hope they aren't. I really hope not.
Maybe I'll just take any classes open to fulfill the 12 unit requirement. But I've done that before- and when I take classes in a subject that doesn't interest me I don't apply myself. And thus the grade hits the ground. Cycle repeats.
I'm going to try getting a schedule together anyway. It's the least I can do. I'll tell my mother that I have everything figured out and I can do it on my own. I can't bear to tell her the truth. I'm not strong enough. We would be over.
And if you kids are reading this- I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell her either. That wouldn't make me look any better in her eyes. She can't know I don't have everything together. What would she think? She has her own problems she's dealing with. I don't need to be another one. Besides, I'm an adult. I'm supposed to figure my problems out like an adult should. By myself. Please respect my wishes.
I feel like I'm exposing so many insecurities of myself by posting this, but this a journal and its purpose is to record my life and how I see it. This is a public journal, and anyone can see them. My flaws. The least I can do is post- and let people know I'm not as great as I like to think I am.
I could watch a youtube video to make me feel better... but that won't make my problem go away deep down.
I feel like I want to cry right now. I'm so tired.
And now they sent me to give an explanation
It had to happen to ensure you were ready
Prepare to take on a foe that was most deadly
And for that foe, you'll recieve no help
Mega Ran, your last enemy
is yourself.
I hate this. I hate this situation. I hate this situation I've been thrown into. I wish my life was easy. I wish it was as easy as some of my friends seem to have it. Their parents have good, steady jobs and they can afford to go to school. They have everything together. They're content.
This homelessness thing- it's terrible. Staying with other people- moving from city to city- we can't be doing this. Not the rest of our lives. We have to be alone. We work better alone. I feel helpless because at this point there's not much I can do. If there is, I don't know where to begin. There's so many things I don't know. There's so many things I wish I knew.
I wish the doctors my mom deals with weren't stingy and lazy and would give her more working hours. Enough to keep us stable and together again.
I wish we could find a nice, affordable flat. Someplace where we'd have privacy, the way we like it.
I wish I could find a job-
and finally start being self reliant.
And getting things done. By myself.
It could be like it was before.
Maybe then I could be happy.
Maybe we could be happy.
But I'm wishing for too much.
I just submitted an application to be enrolled into a new college- miles away from my old one at Mesa. Mira Costa College in Oceanside. The thing is- I didn't do too well in any of my last classes (partly my fault, partly the fault of my terrible instructors and the fact I put up with them the entire year), and I'm afraid that I'd be required to submit transcripts of my humiliating grades. Or worse, that they'd be brought to upfront attention. That's one thing I don't like about myself- I can't accept it. I can't let other people know that I make mistakes, that I of all people have failed at something. I can't let people know that, it burns me. It burns me inside. I was smart as a kid, and I'm supposed to be smart now. Where did that promise go? I'm supposed have everything together. I'm 20 years old, why don't I have my life figured out? what am I doing with myself? What am I going to do with myself? Why can't I do this? Why can't I have everything together?
This superiority complex I have- it's getting the better of me. I know it's there. It's there everyday- so why won't it go away if I want it to?
No one would want to put up with my insecurity. I don't know how they have before. I'm positive it's why I keep my distance from people. It saves them the trouble. I'm such a good person.
About the college itself- I applied like I was a completely new student. I sincerely hope I'm not berated or won't be allowed to register for classes for withholding information or anything like that. I got into a spat with my mother this morning. I can't even register at Mesa like I should as a back-up plan- like I promised my mother- because I've been put on academic suspension. I'd have to see a counselor in person to lift the hold, but I'm 200 miles away in an unescapable city and I have no transportation. I'm trapped here. And I can't ask her. And no one else would do that for me.
Because we live day-to-day, there's no saying where we'll be tomorrow, or the day after that, or the week after that. How can I figure out where I go to school If I don't even have a stable home? I can't be asking mom about these things- she's under a lot of pressure and rarely has an answer. And when she does its never, ever pleasant.
She tells me to work something out, because what If we couldn't get the money (and financial aid) for a private art school? What if It doesn't work out? I should be prepared to go to a UC. I know she wasn't criticizing my artistic merit, but I can't help but feel like she is anyway.
Applying, keeping track of everything, this process is so confusing. I aware that there's not much to really even do, but it seems like a lot to me. A lot to remember- especially because I'm pressured to know everything already. And I'm too embarrassed to ask for help. I can't let people know I need help. Not me. You can't set the world at someone else's feet/ and not be trampled on underneath.
I can't tell my mother. Not so much that I'm afraid of her but... I feel so ashamed. After all she's done and still is trying to do for me, I can't give her anything. I'm not productive, I have no job, I don't make art, I can drive but don't have a car or license, I'm not in school... just... ugh. How can I live with myself everyday? What am I going to do? If she knew, she'd be so disappointed in me. She's counting on me so much- I'm her only child. I have to do this right.
I feel like I don't deserve anything. Anything that I'm lucky enough to have.
The working process for the application to go in is about 5-7 days. Let's see, It's the 7th today. I won't be able to register for classes until well into next week- and by then all the classes I want/need to take might already be gone. Or maybe they won't. I hope they aren't. I really hope not.
Maybe I'll just take any classes open to fulfill the 12 unit requirement. But I've done that before- and when I take classes in a subject that doesn't interest me I don't apply myself. And thus the grade hits the ground. Cycle repeats.
I'm going to try getting a schedule together anyway. It's the least I can do. I'll tell my mother that I have everything figured out and I can do it on my own. I can't bear to tell her the truth. I'm not strong enough. We would be over.
And if you kids are reading this- I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell her either. That wouldn't make me look any better in her eyes. She can't know I don't have everything together. What would she think? She has her own problems she's dealing with. I don't need to be another one. Besides, I'm an adult. I'm supposed to figure my problems out like an adult should. By myself. Please respect my wishes.
I feel like I'm exposing so many insecurities of myself by posting this, but this a journal and its purpose is to record my life and how I see it. This is a public journal, and anyone can see them. My flaws. The least I can do is post- and let people know I'm not as great as I like to think I am.
I could watch a youtube video to make me feel better... but that won't make my problem go away deep down.
I feel like I want to cry right now. I'm so tired.
And now they sent me to give an explanation
It had to happen to ensure you were ready
Prepare to take on a foe that was most deadly
And for that foe, you'll recieve no help
Mega Ran, your last enemy
is yourself.