When clarity and understanding are elusive af...
It has been only ten days since my last entry, and yet again my feelings about my current romantic situation have completely inverted, turned upside down and inside out, and made a complete and total reversal. How is it that he can convince me so easily that he can be the man that I want and deserve, only to prove a short time later, that it was all just passive agreement to end the conflict. Every time that I think he gets it, he very quickly proves to me that he never really did. You know what that is to me? Lies. Stinking, filthy, bullshit lies. All to appease the Queen of Hearts so that you can keep your head. I feel like a total fool for falling for the charade every fucking time. You understand nothing that I have tried so desperately to convey to you. You will never understand me, or my mission. What am I meant to do with you? Giving up seems cowardly, but continuing on seems absolutely ridiculous. If only I could trust that you would eventually pull your head out of your fucking ass and be a man about things. I am sure that somewhere beneath all of your bullshit, insecurity, manipulation, lies, and passive agressive behaviour, that there is a man that I fell in love with... but how can I stay with you when you absolutely refuse to even try to be him? This time, I have neglected to even start a fight about all of this. I see no fucking point anymore. How many times can we have the same argument, and how many times can I preach to you until my throat is sore and dry and my head is going to explode? I am so fucking tired! You are so self absorbed in your total self loathing, blaming me for every negative thing that you feel, like I somehow had something to do with all the pain and misery that has built up inside of you from years of shit and abuse that you have endured. I was never there when these things happened to you! I just fucking got here!!!! When will you ever learn to take responsibility for your own feelings and behaviours?! I deserve more than this. You probably do too... but how should I expect myself to wait around for you to grow the fuck up and continue to endure the way that you are treating me? Of course, in your mind, I am the big bad bitch. I am the cause and root of all of your pain and hurt and I treat you like absolute shit. Well you know what? THAT IS TOTAL FUCKING BULLSHIT. I have given you absolutely everything that I have to give. My home, my food, my money, my body, my heart, time with my child, my fucking uterus is full of your spawn for fucks sake! How much more can I give before you believe that I love you and that I want to be with you. I should be saying that in past tense these days, because the truth is that I am too tired to go on. As much as I wish that we could carry forward and trudge through this, I find it hard to believe that that will ever accomplish anything. You can never learn to fly as long as you are sheltered beneath my wings. What choice do I really have if you simply are unable to be at the same level as me? So I break your heart, send you on your way, and then you blame and hate me for however long it takes you to truly look at yourself and realize the things that I have been trying to tell/teach you this entire fucking time. That sounds like a great fucking plan. The alternative though? Stay with you and continued to be manipulated, abused, blamed, hurt, and enraged. I have no desire to do either! Is there a third option here? If only you could somehow force someone to grow the fuck up... to see themselves and their lives honestly, and to break all of those built in patterns of abuse inside of them. If only...
There is only one way to do that... and that is to send you on your way, to figure your own shit out. To accept your cruelty and hatred for the entire time that it takes for you to fucking get it (if you ever do, that is). Regardless of what happens, it would seem that I have to bear the brunt of your bullshit. Fucking fantastic. I am pregnant and would love to have a supportive, loving, encouraging partner... but you can never be that. You are simply incapable of being such a thing. You will never get it as long as we are together. You just wrap yourself up in me and forget about everything like I am a drug to you. Drown in my love and forget about the shit you have to face and the demons that you need to fight. So I guess I am the big bad bitch. You will never believe this, but it is only because I love you that I must let you go. It is because I love myself that I refuse to endure this shit any longer. I refuse to be your heroin. So I will be your recovery. You must go cold turkey. Face the world. Fight your demons. Stop hiding in the shade of my great tree with it's widespread branches that make you feel safe and protected. Go out into the storm my love, for if you stay here, we will both burn in the fire of the destruction that lives inside of your heart.
There is only one way to do that... and that is to send you on your way, to figure your own shit out. To accept your cruelty and hatred for the entire time that it takes for you to fucking get it (if you ever do, that is). Regardless of what happens, it would seem that I have to bear the brunt of your bullshit. Fucking fantastic. I am pregnant and would love to have a supportive, loving, encouraging partner... but you can never be that. You are simply incapable of being such a thing. You will never get it as long as we are together. You just wrap yourself up in me and forget about everything like I am a drug to you. Drown in my love and forget about the shit you have to face and the demons that you need to fight. So I guess I am the big bad bitch. You will never believe this, but it is only because I love you that I must let you go. It is because I love myself that I refuse to endure this shit any longer. I refuse to be your heroin. So I will be your recovery. You must go cold turkey. Face the world. Fight your demons. Stop hiding in the shade of my great tree with it's widespread branches that make you feel safe and protected. Go out into the storm my love, for if you stay here, we will both burn in the fire of the destruction that lives inside of your heart.