Wow its almost been a yr since Ive even looked at this

[wildhoney374]

Im not sure what motivated me to look at this journal again. I know no one reads it anymore. I think it was just cuz I hung out with Eric yesturday and he was saying how he went through everyones old journals and was reading through them. So Ive had a lot on my mind and this was always a good way to write things down and reflect. I like to just write it all down and then make sense of all of it cuz most the time what I write doesnt turn out how I really feel cuz I just dont know how Im feeling for sure but this gets me started and I can figure it out later. So anyways Ive been sick now with mono and had strep throat twice all in the last 3 weeks I think its been. Surprisingly I havent gotten too bored just watching tv all day and doing nothing. Im getting a lil antsy now though which is good cuz ik im getting better. I never realized that not having a social life for the last couple weeks could make me so depressed. I have been so freaking sad about aaron lately and i just thought that was it but really ik its just because ive had way to much time on my hands to sit and think about things and of course anything big in my life to think about would be aaron as it has been for the last two yrs. lol. geeze 2 yrs. I hung out with Eric yesturday and then went to a movie with jaime and lindsey and it just helped so much. I was wondering why all of a sudden this was all bothering me and now it makes sense. I just forgot how much fun I have with the people in my life now and just got focused on what Ive lost. But I really do have it good here. Idk what Id do with out Jaime especially and Lindsey and Molly and everyone else I hang out with. So anyways Im just going to go through this quick so when I look back on this someday itll make sense and Ill know how I was feeling with Aaron and everything. Ive thought a lot about it so I dont really feel like getting back into it but basically we stopped talking after a bad conversation we had on the phone. I wont go into detail incase anyone does read this but I was just hurt by a lie that aaron told me and shocked by things he said. I just felt. . idk I just couldnt deal with it anymore and I knew what I had to do. So I wrote him a letter. Idk if hes ever read it cuz he said he probably wouldnt and I havent heard from him since. But I just knew things werent working with us and something had to change so it could be better someday. So I told aaron I didnt want to talk to him until he figured himself out and when he felt like he was a person I would want to talk to again that he sould call me up. I expected him to text me or something after I sent the letter but I havent heard from hom in over a month. So at first I was really confident in what I had did and it was a big weight off my shoulders. But eventually it got to me that he hadnt tried contacting me and ik I told him not to yet but I just got to thinking of other reasons that he wasnt calling me or anything. I just started to get really sad. I missed and I guess still do miss having him to talk to. I never realized what a great friend he was to have. Ill never have that security talking to .. .ok well i will have it again but I feel like i wont with anyone again. It wouldnt be the same though. I never realized how much comfort it brought me but I guess towards the end it was changing and I knew something had to be done to fix it. I thought I could be strong and get passed this. I knew it would be tough but I didnt expect this. But like i said i dont think it would have been this bad if I hadnt gotten sick. So anyways then I went through this phase of hating him. I just hated him for every time he had hurt me and I just started to assume the worst from him agian. But I got passed that and just started to care about how he was actually doing because ik aaron but i question it a lot if i really do. But ik i shouldnt think the worst from him and I just need to remember the good in him that ik is there. So then I was just hoping that he was doing good. I ran into eric at the mall a couple days ago and he said hed talked to aaron. I wanted to just avoid talking abotu it cuz i jsut didnt want to deal with anything that might be said good or bad. But first thing eric says is that aaron has a new girlfriend. It didnt really shock me cuz i knew i had to expect it otherwise it would happen and hurt so much more thinking he still wanted to be wiht me. But as soon as I left I started crying and I dont even know why. I guess sometimes I just need something to make me cry and this was it. I always try not to cry and i had been holding a lot in and so I just cried when I heard this. But after crying I was fine. I talked to Jaime just to get my thoughts straight and i knew it would all me ok. But I was still sad about everything with him up until yesturday. Im doing better today:)I wrote Aaron a letter anyways because even if Im doing good now, ik its only temporary. I know theres more times ahead for me to get sad about all this again and I just didnt want to not do anything about it. I was going to call him last night and text him but it didnt seem right. So I wrote him a letter. Idk if its exactly what I wanted to say. i really wish I could just talk to him in person but obviously that isnt an option. I know the last half of the letter is really what i wanted to say. I just need to hear something, anything from him. I just want to know that he still cares about me and thinks about me. It doesnt have to be anything more than that. I just need to hear it from him even if I know he still cares about me. Which I think he does. lol. Ok so after getting back to my normal self a lil bit more today and not being so emotional, this is what I expect from all this. I really was lost and incredably confused on what to think would happen wiht us. I didnt knwo if it was completely over or if this was just temporary and I use to always be pretty confident up until the last couple weeks but I think I got it back today. I knew when I told aaron we shouldnt talk for a while that we really needed time apart to experience new relationships and do things we couldnt do or could but wed fight about it when we were just even friends. i knew we just needed to experience things with out each other for a while and get things in perspective. I know this is right. I know that I wouldnt even want to talk to him now because hes not the person I knwo he'll end up being, which I think is a great person. I just think hes trying to figure out who he is and I dont want to be there for that because I dont respect all the things he does now and how he does things. But Im confident that everything will fall into place. I really do see us finding each other again someday. I dont necesarily mean to date again. I just mean we'll at least be good friends, maybe not like before but I think we'll just have a peace about us and how things ended and we will just be able to be friends and who knows about anything else. I really do believe this but it kinda scares me that im setting myself up for a huge disappointment. Idk what itll be like if theres never going to be a good ending to all this. Ive had my fair share of guys after me lately and ive thought about what dating them would be like but after hanging out with some of them and what not, I know what I want. I see what it was about Aaron that I fell in love with. I really wanted my freedom from Aaron to be able to go out on the weekends and have the option to be with any guy I wanted to be with. But thats not really who I am when it comes down to it and thats not really what i want. So ik ive been labled as a tease from some guys cuz Ik i lead them on and when they try and make a move i end up pushing them away cuz ik i dont want to get into that. Haha opps. oh well i just like to have fun but ik i need to watch it. But this doesnt mean im just waiting to see if anything will happen later wiht Aaron. Ill just know if a guy is going to be worth the time and effort and not worry about Aaron because Iknow I cant do that. I just havnt found the right guy yet so we'll see what happends. Ok well I guess I always end up writing a lot more than I wanted to when it comes to Aaron but everything seems to be making sense for right now so Ill stick with this feeling. OH and I guess theres one other thing I wanted to reflect on I guess about my trip to Colorado and what this mark guy said to me that got me really thinking about things with Aaron and I suppose my dad too but its to much more to write and I havent figured it all out yet.

Ok so on to something else. Since getting sick I had to quit SCC till January. Im kinda glad cuz I really just dont know if this is right yet. Im just really impatient cuz Ik what I want to do but i dont want to wait that long. I know I need the business degree from SCC and then I can go to. . .well as of right now theres a college in los angeles that I really want to go to for fashion merchandising. This really is what I want to do wiht my life and I dont want to have any regrets so I really hope i can stay confident in myself and follow through because ik id regret it if I dont try. But anyways now that I have all this free time I suppose Ill end up just working. Which is fine. Im really getting good at saving my money and I have motivation to keep saving if I really want to go to LA in 2 yrs. I really dont know if my dad will pay for all that. lol. But as much as I want to work, thats what got me 3 weeks of sitting on the couch sick. Actually I guess its cuz id been staying out anywhere from 5-6:30 in the morning on the weekends leading up to me getting sick and then Id have to go to work for 8 hours or to church. Gosh I really have gotten out of control with drinking and staying out. But Im only young once and I just have so much fun that I dont really care how shitty I feel the next day at work. But I guess I was kinda taught a lesson. So now Im just trying to figure an excuse to not work so much on the weekends. lol. Its not really possible cuz we have to work 8 hrs on saturdays and since i was one of the lucky ones to get sundays off i have to work friday nights too. Thats not as bad though. Saturdays just suck. So I figured if I work 25 hours on average for a whole yr, i should be able to save about 7 thousand after figuring out how much id actually end up spending. But who knows. Im just going to do the best I can cuz Ive never been realistic with how much I wanted to save. Plus hopefully things work out and us girls will really end up going to cancun in june. Ik jaime and i both have the money now to do it but i have a hard time thinking lindsey and molly will save it or want to spend all there money on this trip. But who knows. Well i dont really feel like getting into anything else tonight so Im gonna call it a night. Like I said I know no one reads these anymore but I think I might write in here more often just for myself and figure out anything that I need to.