(no subject)
Well I seem to only post when I'm sad but I've been too busy to be anything but stressed and tired. Now that I have a weekend that is relatively low key I have enough time to let my emotions wash over me. I miss my friends. I don't feel very close to anyone here and it will take a long time, if ever, to establish the kind of friendships I need right now. So I feel isolated and alone and all I can look forward to doing is reading fantasy novels. A line from one of my favorite songs says "all I can do is read a book to stay awake, and it rips my life away, but it's a great escape". I feel like I'm not living my life but rather escaping from it whenever I can. This past week I started my second rotation in a new laboratory. I was very excited to start but that quickly faded and my excitation was replaced with dread. I managed to pick an area that I have very little knowledge in and so I've been trying my best to teach myself as much immunology as possible to conceal my ignorance from my lab mentor. Although, I'm enjoying learning about a new area it also creates a lot of stress. On top of my regular course work I'm not trying to teach myself an equally large amount of information in immunology. I haven't even begun to read the journal articles my mentor assigned me because I couldn't understand the terminology used. After a week of intensive reading I'm starting to feel somewhat more confident, however, I can't keep this up and still do well in my classes. We'll see what happens. Perhaps I am too concerned with making a good impression on my mentor but his opinion of me goes a long way to influence my future so it's not something to be taken lightly. Speaking of my future, it's times like these that I wonder if this is what I really want. This program has taxed me to the limits of my sanity and endurance in the form of sleep deprivation. Most of the time I walk around feeling only halfway alive. I'll work so hard and then receive only an average or less than average grade. The point of this rambling is that I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up before having an actual mental breakdown. My insecurity and low self confidence resulting from school affects every area of my life. I've started to become very depressed lately about everything. Well it comes and goes but when it hits me its bad. I don't want anyone's pity but I needed to get this out and wasn't sure who to vent to. Thank goodness this isn't a constant feeling otherwise I probably would have had to drop out of school by now. As you all know I'm very emotional and so I have a difficult time controlling my reactions to stress but I felt that I had become a stronger person. Now I feel like I've regressed back to where I was a couple years ago--sinking in my own self pity and confusion. It's funny but I actually feel better after getting that all out. Try to be there for me but don't worry too much. It's almost the end of the semester so I should feel better soon.