(no subject)
I havent updated in months. And I have truly missed lj, so here goes my attempt at pulling together my emotions right now. I have bawled my eyes out 4 times in the past 12 hours. I am an emotional wreck, with every last irritant throwing me into a fit of tears. Mallory informed me last night that she is moving to Las Vegas on the 5th of June. I don't know if I had told myself this wasn't happening, and tried to ignore the fact that it is on the other side of the country and not the close side. But she is doing it and I cannot get control of myself. What is worse is that I cannot say anything because I did the exact same thing to her. It is not that I don't want her to move, I am so happy she has found something she feels will be her passion, and I am glad she has found some one to share that with. But I know her, and I am terrified she will move all the way out there and hate what she is doing. I am worried she is going to be scared and feel trapped, because I did the same thing. Yes, I will miss her when she isnt in Indy when I come home on weekend trips, and I have come to the realization that at most I will probably see her twice a year in Indy, which is the only true place to see her because it will forever be our stomping ground. But all of this is put aside for the fact that I don't think she will be happy. I know she felt the same way about me moving to Pitt, and there were things I was unhappy about..but she is going to be so far away. I'm scared she is going to miss her family, and all I can think about is the times she told me she would be perfectly satisfied living in Indiana the rest of her life. We were always different about that, and I took advantage of the fact that she would be there when I was ready to come home.
People change. We have to do things we feel are right, and I have no doubt in my mind she has thought this entire thing through. But accepting it may eventually become one of the hardest things we will face together. I have to let her do what she wants, because she did the same for me. But I resent Ryan. I resent him for taking her away so quickly, I resent him for not being good enough, because no matter what, no guy will ever be good enough for her. I resent him for not moving to Indy, and instead her moving to Vegas. She is so attached to her family, and I think that may be the worst on her. I don't want her to miss snow, and rain and cool weather, and grass, and stars, and driving up and down highway 37 to get our mind off things. And super Target..I dont want her to miss Super Target. And if Vegas has super targets, it will never be the same. I dont want her to go through the same things I did. Because I know I missed my family, and I hated my family to begin with. I dont want her to miss how convenient everything was on either 31 or 135. I dont want her to miss taco bell, because those people eat "real" tacos and think taco bell is for pussies.
I want her happy and I'm not yet convinced that is going to happen.
People change. We have to do things we feel are right, and I have no doubt in my mind she has thought this entire thing through. But accepting it may eventually become one of the hardest things we will face together. I have to let her do what she wants, because she did the same for me. But I resent Ryan. I resent him for taking her away so quickly, I resent him for not being good enough, because no matter what, no guy will ever be good enough for her. I resent him for not moving to Indy, and instead her moving to Vegas. She is so attached to her family, and I think that may be the worst on her. I don't want her to miss snow, and rain and cool weather, and grass, and stars, and driving up and down highway 37 to get our mind off things. And super Target..I dont want her to miss Super Target. And if Vegas has super targets, it will never be the same. I dont want her to go through the same things I did. Because I know I missed my family, and I hated my family to begin with. I dont want her to miss how convenient everything was on either 31 or 135. I dont want her to miss taco bell, because those people eat "real" tacos and think taco bell is for pussies.
I want her happy and I'm not yet convinced that is going to happen.