Why haven't I updated?
Drama. The word can have several meanings. In the right context, it's a great thing. great meaning that it's huge, vociferously devoured by those vying to see it onstage. The master of drama may manipulate a character, confer different emotional realities into someone who's been played, overplayed, and just worn out.
In the everyday context, it's unnecessary action. I've been evaluating a few things in my life that I'd like to change. Every once in a while, I have to go back and clean out my emotional closet....look at where I am, where I've come from. Am I stepping forward or backwards? Who are my friends? Am I in touch with them? or have they slipped out of my grasp. Are they people who've provided support for me and I am incapable of returning that support?
For the past several years, I haven't done any sort of critical self-monitoring, because I was too busy rerealizing who I am. I'm back in all my glory. The good, the bad, and the unreasonable. When I was with my ex, I allowed him to offer my critique of something that didn't work with his character, and I changed it for his approval. Positive Reinforcement at its best...or I suppose Negative Reinforcement for him...take something away that he doesn't like...Anyway, over the years, this meant getting rid of my hobbies : D and D, Drama, Dancing, Friendly get-togethers, LARPing, Reading, and anything adventurous that involved extensive traveling. I can tell he was a great match for me. Not that my ex is a bad person persay....but I gave myself up for him.
Then, I swerved back in the other direction. I took back my quirkiness...and talking to strangers...and I realized that I had lost some of the conservative thought ASR had taught me, and as a result, some of my thoughtfulness had dissipated. I started being extremely lonely, because again I was left in a state where I didn't have any friends. Alienated from college friends after six years with one person in my life, and in a new city, I set out to define myself by my bed partners.
And take two. After an unfortunate run-in with consequences I choose not to repeat, I realized, well, maybe defining myself by how much sex I can have is NOT the best course of action. . .two codependent relationships and three failed jobs later, I was desperate to find my strength again. I was in therapy, and I was still morbidly depressed. I know that me leaning on my friends heavily...the remaining three that I seemed to have left was trying (thank you to those who are still here....or who have returned) to say the least.
And I finally found my passion. Weird how sometimes it's like turning on a lightbulb. Linguistics? you say? you can do speech? Hmm....
And I was determined to move. Well, a year later I haven't moved. And I find myself torn. I'm finally finding friends....some relationships that are blossoming, and I'm finally involved in a business that I'm proud to be with (on a side note....please ask me about Passion Parties. the more I explain, the better I can get at doing this for strangers! Call me and pretend to be a client!)
But i'm still dragging myself to school everyday thinking how crappy it is. . .and again, came the lightbulb. WEll...more like a slap in the face prompted by the fact that I was again so lonely at the end of the year that I decided boys...or rather boy and the surrounding excitement of talking to my friends about it...or the one boy a month I fabricated a relationship from a one night stand with....was a good idea....and I alienated two of my good friends...which I still have no idea how to clean up. Is it possible to beg forgiveness for an airline trip that didn't work out....
....And why is it that when you talk about your own relations with someone people know...it takes four months for it to get back to you...and okay...ME, and by the time that I'm finally feeling good about myself and implementing...
Er...RIGHT....I stand here looking at the past three years of my life....and it's not great. Not exactly the worst point in my life....but I have few friends, and although some of them I've started giving back to, I can count AT least three people who've fallen off the boards for reasons that I've directly caused.
It's time for me to make changes. Change in my life that I hope will compliment the move I'm finally preparing to make, in spite of the fear that there will be difficulties with my ex. The worst that can happen is that I'll have to move back. At the best, I'll be able to go to a better school and pursue my dream sooner.
Anyway. New Rules....well, old rules I'm bringing back.
1. I don't need to talk about other people. Strictly me. Not the girl next to me and how slutty her dress is....not the person I slept with last night...not even my ex and how I hate him (well....maybe my ex and how frustrated I am...but only if the end goal is PRODUCTIVE interaction for the benefit of my son.)
2. Run four times a week. I don't care if it means that I have to be at school until eleven at night. I will run at least 12 miles a week!
3. Make a weekly To Do list.
4. Have a garage Sale. Throw Away Everything in my life that I'm not currently using or enamored with.
- Couch, Bed, Shelves, Notebooks,
5. Ship my stuff by the end of the month to California.
6. Come Clean with anyone I've hurt with whom I'd like to pursue a relationship.
7. Ignore the people I don't want to pursue a relationship with.
8. Share my life only with True Friends. Someone isn't a true friend until they've proven themselves trustworthy...this doesn't include a phone conversation when I'm upset.
9. Six Passion Parties Before I leave
10. Two fifty in retail sales outside of Parties.