june bug
Things haven't really changed so much since Memorial Day. Greg never knew I was kind of upset that day and if he did, he really didn't know why. We continue to get along great but then again, with his biking and our shows on hiatus, we only see each other for an hour or two most weeknights and things have been extra busy for me this month with my mom's surgery and Jenni in town. Now that's over with, I've been faithfully going to the gym by myself or do whatever it is that needs getting done.
It was Greg's birthday last Friday so we both had the day off to get massages, lunch on sushi and go out for dinner, about the same as we did for my bday last month. I could see him trying to keep the work stress in check, same as he did on my bday last month. But Saturday morning at the gym he started going into that downward spiral of negativity where he doesn't care, he doesn't try and he starts saying things like he just wishes he could die. I try to blow it off, make jokes, be the cheerleader, remind him of all the things he has to be thankful for, whatever it takes when he gets like that but in the end I was really thankful to drop him off so he could get his yardwork done and I could spend a couple hours by myself. I bought him the Captain Kirk action glass from Burger King he's been wanting, I bought myself the new Wilco 7" single, I vacuumed, took a shower and had a couple glasses of wine to take the edge off.
When he picked me up to go to his parents' cookout I was pretty quiet and actually don't remember much of it, so lost was I in my own thoughts (the wine didn't hurt either). Later back at his place we started two movies, didn't like them and switched to music. After a few beers I had the first minor blowup in months, telling him that he ruins every weekend with his stress and that his stress causes me stress. I try to be happy and actually am most of the time but the constant negativity makes me want to shoot myself in the head. There's more to it than that but neither one of us slept well that night and there are still sleeping issues which bugs.
Next morning, we took a walk at Memorial Park in the 90% humidity before he dropped me home where I spent the rest of the day in solitude just reading, knitting, cleaning and basically recharging my batteries. On the phone that night we both apologized for not handling our stress very well and he asked if we were okay (a year or two ago it would have been me asking that). I said yes, of course, tomorrow is a new day. Things have been good since then. We found out that the Dandy Warhols are doing a concert in Westport on Sept. 3rd and already have tickets to go. That will hopefully make up for the missed Eleni show cxled by weather back in March. It gives us something to look forward to and something to spend our joint vacation fund on.
It's weird - as mentioned, with family stuff occuping my time I haven't been around so much. Then I went to the Sarah Benck concert in Papillion with my work peeps last Thursday night. When I rejoined Greg at nearly 10pm, he was joyous to see me and albeit after a few beers said that he missed me, his life felt like there was something missing when I wasn't around and talked about moving the timetable up for the move in. I have to admit that deep inside, I was the one with the nerves and the cold feet although I didn't express such but it was a realization. Can I live with a man that can go to Gamers to buy a new game but can't keep toilet paper in stock? (Oh, and yes, I bought some to bring over that day knowing that he wouldn't, mostly for me -- BOYTP?). Although I really needn't worry because the although the kitchen is nearly done, the fridge is still in the middle of it and the oven hasn't worked in weeks, similar to the sink not working for months earlier this year. We can't even make a decent meal at his place. In reality, it'll be a while before the rest of the house is ready and that might be okay with me. Your sense of humor only gets you so far and I'm the one to usually initiate anything in the bedroom because clearly I'm the one most interested.
I've been thinking about the Big D a lot lately, as I always do - no surprise, and have come to the conclusion that it was what I needed to do at that time and place but whether it was the right thing, I'll never know. Only time will tell. I had a dream last night that Bruce and I were walking Miranda and Greta and I woke up at 3am feeling completely at peace. I can only hope that I'll have a similar dream tonight.
It was Greg's birthday last Friday so we both had the day off to get massages, lunch on sushi and go out for dinner, about the same as we did for my bday last month. I could see him trying to keep the work stress in check, same as he did on my bday last month. But Saturday morning at the gym he started going into that downward spiral of negativity where he doesn't care, he doesn't try and he starts saying things like he just wishes he could die. I try to blow it off, make jokes, be the cheerleader, remind him of all the things he has to be thankful for, whatever it takes when he gets like that but in the end I was really thankful to drop him off so he could get his yardwork done and I could spend a couple hours by myself. I bought him the Captain Kirk action glass from Burger King he's been wanting, I bought myself the new Wilco 7" single, I vacuumed, took a shower and had a couple glasses of wine to take the edge off.
When he picked me up to go to his parents' cookout I was pretty quiet and actually don't remember much of it, so lost was I in my own thoughts (the wine didn't hurt either). Later back at his place we started two movies, didn't like them and switched to music. After a few beers I had the first minor blowup in months, telling him that he ruins every weekend with his stress and that his stress causes me stress. I try to be happy and actually am most of the time but the constant negativity makes me want to shoot myself in the head. There's more to it than that but neither one of us slept well that night and there are still sleeping issues which bugs.
Next morning, we took a walk at Memorial Park in the 90% humidity before he dropped me home where I spent the rest of the day in solitude just reading, knitting, cleaning and basically recharging my batteries. On the phone that night we both apologized for not handling our stress very well and he asked if we were okay (a year or two ago it would have been me asking that). I said yes, of course, tomorrow is a new day. Things have been good since then. We found out that the Dandy Warhols are doing a concert in Westport on Sept. 3rd and already have tickets to go. That will hopefully make up for the missed Eleni show cxled by weather back in March. It gives us something to look forward to and something to spend our joint vacation fund on.
It's weird - as mentioned, with family stuff occuping my time I haven't been around so much. Then I went to the Sarah Benck concert in Papillion with my work peeps last Thursday night. When I rejoined Greg at nearly 10pm, he was joyous to see me and albeit after a few beers said that he missed me, his life felt like there was something missing when I wasn't around and talked about moving the timetable up for the move in. I have to admit that deep inside, I was the one with the nerves and the cold feet although I didn't express such but it was a realization. Can I live with a man that can go to Gamers to buy a new game but can't keep toilet paper in stock? (Oh, and yes, I bought some to bring over that day knowing that he wouldn't, mostly for me -- BOYTP?). Although I really needn't worry because the although the kitchen is nearly done, the fridge is still in the middle of it and the oven hasn't worked in weeks, similar to the sink not working for months earlier this year. We can't even make a decent meal at his place. In reality, it'll be a while before the rest of the house is ready and that might be okay with me. Your sense of humor only gets you so far and I'm the one to usually initiate anything in the bedroom because clearly I'm the one most interested.
I've been thinking about the Big D a lot lately, as I always do - no surprise, and have come to the conclusion that it was what I needed to do at that time and place but whether it was the right thing, I'll never know. Only time will tell. I had a dream last night that Bruce and I were walking Miranda and Greta and I woke up at 3am feeling completely at peace. I can only hope that I'll have a similar dream tonight.