Las Vegas, 2005
Friday:
Having checked in online, and after a bit of annoyance with the home printer, I managed to get my boarding pass. If you can check in online, I highly recommend it. As I was only going to be gone for the weekend, I took only carry on luggage. I was also attempting to travel by the axiom of "He who travels lightly, travels swiftly."
m'Lady and Morgaynne saw me off to DIA for my High Noon (ok, 12:05pm) flight. We picked up a fellow named Tim(?) and we hung out together before Tim and I headed for our respective flights.
Plane arrived on time.
Got on the plane on time.
Plane trundled out to the runway on time.
Plane did not leave runway on time.
So I arrived in Vegas about half an hour late. I told BeauBeana (S) to meet me at the baggage claim and it took me a couple of revolutions around the place to finally be spotted by her. My little sister's all grown up! I didn't recognize her! Admittedly, I expected her to look more punkrock, but...*shrug*
I called m'Lady to tell her that I arrived a-ok.
In the car, heading to the 'rents, she tells me that Neil's running late because his car's being crappy. But he should be around that evening. I ask her what she told Mom and she says that she told Mom that she was getting her her Christmas Present. She also tells me that uncle Kenneth won't be showing up because even though Mom bought him a ticket, he says he'll lose out on his NOLA Refugee benefits. So much for having some good opportunities and turning his life around. Ass.
So we get there, and J sees us and hugs and presents are exchanged and my Mom gets a big surprise. She actually had an idea that I was on my way, she tells me, because she bought a brick of cheddar cheese and she didn't know why. I, however, am very glad I sent the Rum Cake as interference.
Mom goes to get ready to go out for the afternoon and evening and S and J and I out on the back porch when I tell J that I'm not there for only feel good holiday stuff. I'm there to call a family meeting because there are things we need to talk about and we really haven't because our family doesn't really do that. He aggrees that there are things we need to talk about and that, and that we don't really talk about things.
Turns out that Magus_Hunter22 (N) won't be in until Saturday evening because his car died en route and the fastest way to get to Vegas is to catch a train back to LA and fly out.
IC comes home and we hang a bit and then we the family go out shopping and eating out for dinner. Things are pleasant. I get a good look at IC and see she doesn't look like she's lost a bunch of weight too fast. Nor does she smell like a chemical plant. In short, she's not exhibiting tweaker sign. I am heartened by this.
Saturday:
More hanging out.
We get N from the airport and get him fed on Mom's lasagna (droool). Once we've all had lasagna -and Rum Cake!- I call the meeting to order. We were in the living area. I was in front of the TV, on a chair. S was to my left with J on the small couch. Mom and N were in front of me on the big couch. And IC was on the recliner to my right.
I'm not going to get into all the details, we spoke for at least three hours and maybe as many as five. It was a necessary and positive experience.
I started by saying that the family was having problems and that I believed a great many of them stemmed from miscommunication and pride and shame. And it was now time to confront it. I told them that I realized that there was a big picture wrong going on because I was getting different pieces of the puzzle from different people. Not contradictory information, just different ones. I also talked about how even though we all knew that IC had been sexually assaulted, we never ever talked about it.
I talked about how m'Lady and I were dealing with the MS issue, which is mostly shock and information gathering right now. I also told them that even though it's stressful, we were doing alright. I told them that it wasn't like last year when m'Lady and I almost got divorced. I told them that during that dark time, m'Lady and I weren't really there for each other and we realized it before it was too late. We got some couples counseling and we've been doing much better ever since. I also told them why I left the dojo and the path that I've been traveling since. And then I told them about some of my Australia Adventure and the summed up version of the Ballad of Martha and Thomas.
I got the ball rolling and then I moderated. I watched as the family opened up by talking, I watched as their body language changed and their emotions shone through. One thing that's interesting is that my family, even though they may not talk about things, they do like to touch each other, and that night there was much comforting to be had.
I don't remember the order of things that transpired after that.
J talked about that he often doesn't know what to say and therefore is often silent. And of how sometimes he says things and they come out sounding wrong. He also talked about how he doesn't like Thomas because of what transpired between he and Mom and me almost three decades ago.
S talked about how she felt distant from IC because she sometimes doesn't know what to say either.
N talked about how he feels that the family doesn't view him as an adult sometimes, and how it hurts his feelings when certain assumptions are made.
IC talked about some of her plans. She also talked about some of the troubles she's had and the things she's done. I think it was helpful for her to talk about it without feeling like she was going to be attacked by the family.
Mom didn't want to talk at first, but she was heartened by us and she opened up to us a bit. We kids got to learn a bit more about her incredibly abusive upbringing.
As for the rest of the trip? Talked to Mikhael and Thomas. Of course I talked to m'Lady Wife. And there was excellent food and company for all.
I did the right thing. The separate members of the family thanked me at different points in the next day and a half before I left.
I performed my function. My role. I gathered information from all available sources and brought things out into the open. I forged ahead in the face of complacency that settled around us during the delay of N's arrival. I guided the energy and the discussion to fruitful ends.
Now, all we have to do is keep in touch with each other. I don't think it's going to be a difficult thing.
Having checked in online, and after a bit of annoyance with the home printer, I managed to get my boarding pass. If you can check in online, I highly recommend it. As I was only going to be gone for the weekend, I took only carry on luggage. I was also attempting to travel by the axiom of "He who travels lightly, travels swiftly."
m'Lady and Morgaynne saw me off to DIA for my High Noon (ok, 12:05pm) flight. We picked up a fellow named Tim(?) and we hung out together before Tim and I headed for our respective flights.
Plane arrived on time.
Got on the plane on time.
Plane trundled out to the runway on time.
Plane did not leave runway on time.
So I arrived in Vegas about half an hour late. I told BeauBeana (S) to meet me at the baggage claim and it took me a couple of revolutions around the place to finally be spotted by her. My little sister's all grown up! I didn't recognize her! Admittedly, I expected her to look more punkrock, but...*shrug*
I called m'Lady to tell her that I arrived a-ok.
In the car, heading to the 'rents, she tells me that Neil's running late because his car's being crappy. But he should be around that evening. I ask her what she told Mom and she says that she told Mom that she was getting her her Christmas Present. She also tells me that uncle Kenneth won't be showing up because even though Mom bought him a ticket, he says he'll lose out on his NOLA Refugee benefits. So much for having some good opportunities and turning his life around. Ass.
So we get there, and J sees us and hugs and presents are exchanged and my Mom gets a big surprise. She actually had an idea that I was on my way, she tells me, because she bought a brick of cheddar cheese and she didn't know why. I, however, am very glad I sent the Rum Cake as interference.
Mom goes to get ready to go out for the afternoon and evening and S and J and I out on the back porch when I tell J that I'm not there for only feel good holiday stuff. I'm there to call a family meeting because there are things we need to talk about and we really haven't because our family doesn't really do that. He aggrees that there are things we need to talk about and that, and that we don't really talk about things.
Turns out that Magus_Hunter22 (N) won't be in until Saturday evening because his car died en route and the fastest way to get to Vegas is to catch a train back to LA and fly out.
IC comes home and we hang a bit and then we the family go out shopping and eating out for dinner. Things are pleasant. I get a good look at IC and see she doesn't look like she's lost a bunch of weight too fast. Nor does she smell like a chemical plant. In short, she's not exhibiting tweaker sign. I am heartened by this.
Saturday:
More hanging out.
We get N from the airport and get him fed on Mom's lasagna (droool). Once we've all had lasagna -and Rum Cake!- I call the meeting to order. We were in the living area. I was in front of the TV, on a chair. S was to my left with J on the small couch. Mom and N were in front of me on the big couch. And IC was on the recliner to my right.
I'm not going to get into all the details, we spoke for at least three hours and maybe as many as five. It was a necessary and positive experience.
I started by saying that the family was having problems and that I believed a great many of them stemmed from miscommunication and pride and shame. And it was now time to confront it. I told them that I realized that there was a big picture wrong going on because I was getting different pieces of the puzzle from different people. Not contradictory information, just different ones. I also talked about how even though we all knew that IC had been sexually assaulted, we never ever talked about it.
I talked about how m'Lady and I were dealing with the MS issue, which is mostly shock and information gathering right now. I also told them that even though it's stressful, we were doing alright. I told them that it wasn't like last year when m'Lady and I almost got divorced. I told them that during that dark time, m'Lady and I weren't really there for each other and we realized it before it was too late. We got some couples counseling and we've been doing much better ever since. I also told them why I left the dojo and the path that I've been traveling since. And then I told them about some of my Australia Adventure and the summed up version of the Ballad of Martha and Thomas.
I got the ball rolling and then I moderated. I watched as the family opened up by talking, I watched as their body language changed and their emotions shone through. One thing that's interesting is that my family, even though they may not talk about things, they do like to touch each other, and that night there was much comforting to be had.
I don't remember the order of things that transpired after that.
J talked about that he often doesn't know what to say and therefore is often silent. And of how sometimes he says things and they come out sounding wrong. He also talked about how he doesn't like Thomas because of what transpired between he and Mom and me almost three decades ago.
S talked about how she felt distant from IC because she sometimes doesn't know what to say either.
N talked about how he feels that the family doesn't view him as an adult sometimes, and how it hurts his feelings when certain assumptions are made.
IC talked about some of her plans. She also talked about some of the troubles she's had and the things she's done. I think it was helpful for her to talk about it without feeling like she was going to be attacked by the family.
Mom didn't want to talk at first, but she was heartened by us and she opened up to us a bit. We kids got to learn a bit more about her incredibly abusive upbringing.
As for the rest of the trip? Talked to Mikhael and Thomas. Of course I talked to m'Lady Wife. And there was excellent food and company for all.
I did the right thing. The separate members of the family thanked me at different points in the next day and a half before I left.
I performed my function. My role. I gathered information from all available sources and brought things out into the open. I forged ahead in the face of complacency that settled around us during the delay of N's arrival. I guided the energy and the discussion to fruitful ends.
Now, all we have to do is keep in touch with each other. I don't think it's going to be a difficult thing.