[Metalocalypse] The Multiverse is Metal: Part 4
Title: The Multiverse is Metal
Pairing(s)/Character(s): Nathan/Charles, Abigail/Charles
Warning(s): sex stuff and language
Beta: homicidaltyger
A/N: Well, life is still cruel and unusual. So here you go, more fanfiction! ...Yay?
...yay.
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Charlie made plans on her phone with a Klokateer. She didn’t bother to explain the blood but conjured a convincing lie about an unexpected business trip with practiced ease. “All right, let’s get moving,” she said, leaving no pause between getting down to business and hanging up the phone. “Time is more than a little inconsistent when you’re jumping realities, but if we leave now, maybe we can get back before you know I’m gone.”
“What?”
“Just sit on the desk.”
Nathan approached the desk with caution. He sat down, more than a little bit afraid it would burst into blue flames or something. It didn’t. “So… how does this work?”
Charlie double checked her messenger bag. “Death or sex seem to be the only things that will open it.”
“So…. Are we fucking, or-”
“No,” said Charlie, responding so fast and so vehemently that it was actually kind of depressing. “As long as I turn off the system keeping it in check, everything you did should be enough to power us through to the next universe. Hypothetically. There’s a lot of death left on this desk… A lot of blood.”
“Well, if that hypothetically doesn’t work are we gonna have sex?”
“A lot of blood. … What? No. No, sex. But… I am going to sit on your lap for a moment. We’re not having sex. I just really like this suit… Please don’t make this weird.”
“This is weird.”
“Right, well… May I?”
“Yeah… Sure, whatever.”
Charlie glanced over her shoulder several times, gauging the best way to climb onto Nathan’s lap while avoiding all the gore. She kept her bag and sword close to her chest, trying to keep her things safe with one hand while the other hand awkwardly tried to get some sort of leverage off of Nathan’s thighs. After much fumbling and a few false starts, Nathan just picked her up.
Charlie sat there stiff and undoubtedly embarrassed for a few moments. She coughed to break the tension, relaxing her grip on her bag and letting her sword fall to rest across her knees. “And now I just need to concentrate. So… if you’ll just give me a second here.”
Nathan gave her a second. He gave her a few more. Seconds became minutes. “How long does this usually take?”
“Um… Usually it’s immediate. I don’t know what’s- Oh! Of course, how foolish of me.” Charlie leaned forward, reaching beneath the desk. Nathan caught her by the hips before she could slide off. That was a mistake. “I forgot to turn the safeties off… There.” Charlie sat back against Nathan. “Just give me one more second,” she said, pointedly ignoring Nathan’s predicament.
So she had a nice ass. So what? Nathan tried to keep his mind on other things - like the fear of potentially imminent death as they switched universes. That reminded him of Charles. He wondered if Charles had noticed that he was missing yet. His Charles wasn’t a complete bitch and he had a nice ass- No! No, that kind of thinking was making this worse… Also, it was really fucking gay.
This wasn’t gay, though. This was a lady Charles. It was fine to think about her ass - which really was, like, deceptively nice under that suit. He could feel the firm outline of it shift minutely as she readjusted the sword across her knees and - “GOD WILL YOU JUST HURRY UP!”
Charlie jumped. That might have made things even worse, but fortunately the ceiling chose that moment to go blue. That fear of imminent death kicked in, effectively scaring off the beginnings of an erection.
The ride was less chaotic this time. Kicking Charles’ desk probably hadn’t done his maiden voyage on it any favors. No deadly tendrils snaked down to murder anyone. It barely even felt like they were moving, It felt more like the universe was moving around them. The world sped by, flashing blue intermittently, like lights in a tunnel. One moment they were in Charlie’s office, the next they were in a new office, on a new desk, in a, supposedly, new universe.
It all happened so quickly and so quietly, this universes’ Charles didn’t notice them arrive. Nor did the woman he was with; standing with her skirt bunched around her thighs, one leg draped over Charles’ shoulder, one hand bunched in his hair. “More to the… mmm, yes. Yes. There,” she said to Charles who was on his knees, mouth far too preoccupied to respond to that verbally.
“Ohgodwhat’shappening?” It was nightmarish. Nathan couldn’t look away.
The woman’s eyes snapped open. She gave a startled cry, nearly losing her precarious balance. There was a brief but panicked struggle as Charles tried to steady her while simultaneously attempting to escape the rather compromising position they’d just been caught in.
Charlie set her things aside and slid from Nathan’s lap to the floor. “I’m really very sorry about this,” she said quickly, putting herself between the woman and Nathan. “Abigail, right?”
“Right,” said Abigail, eyes wide. She seemed to be finding it difficult to regain her composure. “And you’re… That female Charles from a different universe. Fantastic. How nice of you to drop in.”
From the tone of her voice, Nathan wasn’t convinced Abigail actually meant any of that.
“I did send a signal before we left,” said Charlie. “You should have had... Well, not much warning, but… enough to, ah…”
“It’s been slightly broken,” said Charles, explaining this more to Abigail than to Charlie. “Someone was tampering with it. Nathan, I suspect.”
Abigail crossed her arms over her chest. “How did-“
“The other Nathan,” interjected Charles.
“I see,” said Abigail.
“I’m confused,” said Nathan.
Charles began what sounded like a quiet apology, but Abigail raised her hand to silence him. She shook her head. “Forget it. I’m going back to work. Just… give me a call when this is settled, Charles.”
Abigail scanned the room for her things. Charlie helped her track down her purse and heels, throwing in a few forced compliments in an attempt to remain amiable. Abigail just nodded and gave a couple curt, ‘”Thank you”s. She clearly wanted out of here as quickly as possible. Abigail had nearly made it out the door before she stopped, freezing suddenly in realization. She nodded to Nathan. “I think he’s sitting on my…”
Nathan got off the desk, picking up a black pair of women’s panties from where he’d been sitting. Charlie frowned and snatched them from him. In turn, Abigail snatched them from Charlie and shoved them in her purse.
“This is insane. Your lives are all fucking insane.” Abigail slammed the door as she left.
No one said anything at first. Charlie sighed. Charles just stood there, rubbing the bridge of his nose.
“Hey,” said Nathan. “This is probably a bad time, but I think I was sitting on your glasses, too.”
Charles looked up. He took a deep breath. “I assume you’re just passing through?”
“I had hoped to. Departing for the next universe immediately would be in everyone’s best interest,” reasoned Charlie.
“Obviously.” Charles went to his desk and took a seat. He brushed his broken glasses to one side. “But as I mentioned earlier, I suspect Nathan has been tampering with the stabilization. You’re welcome to take your chances, but…” He trailed off, leading Nathan to suspect that Charles had no idea what might happen if they attempted to switch universes in the desk’s current condition.
Charlie looked over at Nathan, considering him, possibly recalling the bits of groupie Klokateers would be cleaning out of the nooks and crannies of her office for the next few weeks. “How long would it take to fix?” she asked Charles.
“Who knows? It’s a miserable piece of technology. Obviously, I thought I had the fucking thing fixed days ago. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have caught me… otherwise occupied.”
Nathan gave a loud and long groan. “I wish we hadn’t.”
Charlie shot him a look. Charles ignored him entirely. “I’ll get someone down here to take a look at it, see what we can do,” he said. “You’re welcome to wait here if you want.
Nathan couldn’t think of much he wanted to do less. “Yeah… sounds tempting, but I think I’d rather see what’s out there.”
Charlie and Charles looked at each other. A nonverbal exchange of shrugs and vague hand motions followed.
“Go ahead,” said Charles. He opened a desk drawer and removed a Dethphone. “I’ll give you a call when I know something.” He tossed the phone to Charlie who slipped it into her bag.
“Stay by me,” Charlie told Nathan, leading the way out of Charles’ office.
“What are you, my mom?” Nathan stepped out into the sunlight, nearly tripping in the process. He was emerging from some kind of trailer. This wasn’t Mordhaus, it was a huge lot with vans and tents and RVs. They were behind the scenes of something. It didn’t take Nathan long to figure out what. “I need money for a funnel cake.”
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“I guess this is pretty metal for a circus or whatever,” Nathan decided aloud.
Charlie held out a hand for her change, but Nathan pocketed it. She said nothing, turning her attention back to the cup of frozen lemonade thawing in her hands.
“I think I saw a fucking dragon. Why doesn’t my universe have dragons?”
“I wouldn’t know,” said Charlie, stepping out of the path of a mechanical Facebones mascot seconds before one of the spikes on its jaw speared a young man through the leg. No one noticed. This place was huge and crowded and impossibly loud.
“And why am I here instead of, ya know… back home?”
“I told you.”
“Did you?” It was an actual question. She might have told him. Nathan wasn’t really following much of anything that was going on.
“I told you, it would be a bit of a trip. These… portals all lead to alternate versions of me. To get you back home we’ll need to keep going until things loop back around to where you started.”
“Why?”
“Because time is circular.”
“You mean realities?”
“Those too.”
“Why do the portal things only link to you?”
“Because Dethklok is very important to… the universe. And… I, uh, like to think I do important work. The portals seem to open in places where I spend a lot of time and energy. I was afraid the same might start happening to the band, but it never did.”
“I don’t want to imply that it’s obvious you’re just talking bullshit right now and don’t know what’s going on, but… Huh, I guess I kinda said it already - This funnel cake is really good - You don’t know what’s going on.”
“I like to think it works that way because you’re all lazy and unproductive in every universe. It helps me sleep at night to think that Ofdensons everywhere are doing the best they possibly can. Even if we could get you behaving responsibly, it could very well rip five new holes in the universe and… I don’t know, extinguish all existence everywhere, or something.” Charlie chiseled out a bite of lemonade. She put the spoon in her mouth, giving herself a moment before continuing. “I don’t know how it works, Nathan. The experts all seem to think it’s just some kind of anomaly, a naturally occurring phenomenon. I’m not sure I buy that. But I have other things to worry about. So, I do what I can, try to contain it.”
Nathan grunted. He didn’t care about specifics as much as he thought he would have. “So, ugh, what was up with that lady. I mean she was pretty hot, but there are some lines you just don’t cross. I mean, you wouldn’t do anything like that, right Charlie.”
Charlie took another bite of lemonade rather than answering, giving Nathan a moment to recall her gender.
“Oh… Wait… Do you, ah, do anything like that, Charlie?” he asked again, more hopeful than horrified this time.
Charlie cleared her throat and attempted to change the subject. “So you, uh… don’t have an Abigail in your universe?”
“No.”
“You probably just haven’t met her yet,” Charlie reasoned. “Or maybe she’s not even a ‘she.’ In my universe, she’s a man. “
“Seriously?”
“Andrew Remeltindtdrinc,” Charlie said with a nod. “You were very fond of him. Very fond.”
“Fond?”
“You, ah, got drunk and proposed to him once.”
“Oh… God… What? That’s gay! That’s really gay.”
“Not in any literal sense of the word whatsoever… You, ah, still don’t understand how my universe works, do you?”
This was the most impossible news he’d heard all day. Married? What the hell was wrong with him over there? “Did he… Did he say yes?”
“No. Of course not. It was very sudden… And you were very drunk.” Charlie concentrated rather intently on the frozen lemonade, back to chiseling away even though it was melting on its own by now. “Though, had he said yes, I would have approved. You were in quite a bit of legal trouble at the time. News of the proposal did remind me of a, uh, rather… fortuitous loophole.”
“OhthankGod,” breathed Nathan. “So, the me over there is fine, I mean… I know it’s not me-me, but… God. Married? Can you even fucking imagine?”
“Well, ah… yes. I can fucking imagine, Nathan. You’re married.”
Nathan felt his insides go cold. “I’m what?”
“You’re married,” Charlie repeated. “Well, the you in my universe… I don’t see what the big deal is. Personally, I feel marriage should be like any other business partnership. There should be some sort of mutual gain involved.”
“S-so, what? Some, fan gets to marry me and I get what?”
“Well, Dethklok got to keep it’s autonomy - Which is, actually a pretty big deal.” Charlie cleared her throat and shifted her weight a bit, suddenly looking almost anxious. “I tried to find someone suitable for you to marry, but had some… last minute… moral reservations.”
“Nuh uh.”
“What?”
“You don’t have those.”
“I don’t have what?”
“Morals and stuff.”
Charlie frowned.
“What? It’s true,” Nathan insisted. “You don’t. You’re a robot. Robots have no morals.”
“I married you.”
The funnel cake hit the ground in a white mushroom cloud of powdered sugar.
“Um… Nathan? Can you, ah, not make that face? Surely it’s not that bad.”